to think that my closest friends might call, since DH and I separated..?

[Stigmata]

So, I am the evil witch who, after 4 extremely difficult years (in a 7 yr marriage), have told my DH that I've "left". I've moved into our box/guest/other room, taken everything I own into there (from our room), as it was a last minute decision (after about 6 months of thinking about it) and I still hadn't come up with a satisfactory way of dealing with it, and not leaving the children (both pretty small).

As a result of this he NOW wants to talk, NOW wants to show non-sexual emotion that apparently was just not his thing, ever, so we can have quality time etc etc... I am not going into too much detail as this is not what it's about, and in a previous thread I had fantastic support and felt as if I was not all bad to feel that an untenable situation cannot continue, however badly you want it to work.

So... I have so far told a handful of people. A couple of women from work (both in pastoral care, both saw me come in look a total mess and very happy to help, got the balance right of initial listening, occasional "how're going emails etc"), a couple of friends I've made since we moved here 4 yrs ago (both very close, shared alot, both pretty much knew this was coming), and one of my oldest/closest friends who I have known for about 15 years/maids of honour/etc etc.. recently she became my DC2s godmother etc. She lives over here (overseas) too.

So, one of my friends was the one I spoke to, a couple of days before I finally did the deed. She had a busy week the week after, and didn't really read my original text etc., and didn't realise what had happened (allegedly I now realise). Have not had a full conversation with her in the last two weeks since I left. Before it was via skype chat/or person-to-person 2-4 times a week.

Other friend is a GP, and I swear that when she said "we need to discuss this properly soon" she was in work-mode. I've pretty much left it in her court (texted her once) and not had any kind of chat (other than a work one which included other people) since it happened.

I finally told BFF about a week ago, and she hasn't rung/emailed since.

So, was a single parent friend right when they said that women see divorce as more scary than cancer, have all those friendships been as shallow as they now seem, or Have IBU? I'm struggling enough with the home situation tbh, esp. as I'm over the other side of the world from all my other friends (who I haven't dared tell yet, given the current lot dropping like flies).

Weirdly, the one person I am in regular contact with is a male friend (dun dun durrrrr) who emailed me about a mutual friend recently, and I mentioned what has happened, and he drip feeds an email every 3-4 days just with non-impt. little UK updates, and listens to how we're getting on. It's not heavy or fraught with any kind of implication, it's more like bloggin to a single person

The reality is that we have already had two counselling sessions and whilst it isn't going to be an easy road, I can just about contemplate there being a happy outcome. But that's another (if more positive) story.

PS I've jsut realised, is this like bereavement where people will find me in a couple of months and in a whiny voice say "I wasn't sure what to say...." more
PPS I'm more angry about all of this than I realise, I guess I thought that at times like this. Maybe I am being very judgy.

[runningwilde]

I don't think yabu. If these are friends, the least they can do is take a few minutes to text you, call you. It is very insensitive and thoughtless of them not to do so. Have you thought about sending an email updating how things are going and admitting that you could have done with some support/response and see what they say?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The saying goes 'a friend in need is a friend indeed'. But equally, 'a friend in need is a pain in the ass' i.e. some friends are not good at awkward situations & tend to avoid them. In relationship crises especially many do not want to take sides in the early days just in case everything resolves and you get back together. In your situation, it sounds like you've moved into another room and you're still talking.. and therefore I can understand why some might find it difficult to know what to say for the best and are giving you a bit of space.

[MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll]

It does seem lame...but maybe they think because you're still under the same roof it's not "real" in some way.....which is stlll pretty rubbish....they should be there even if you're just having a rocky patch....are they maybe also having a hard time?

[cjbartlett]

So you've moved into the spare room, you're having marriage guidance counselling and you think they'll be a happy outcome?
Tbh I'd only be offering help and advice to someone who had actually become a lone parent iyswim
They probably don't want to interfere as it sounds like you're still together anyway

[Stigmata]

OK CJ, well I'm not sure how you managed to paraphrase that so, but if you need that much more detail, we are seeing someone we spoke to about something else (our first son) who DH wants to see because he's comfortable with them, I said something about a glimmer of hope, and I'm not sure moving into the spare room because I dont' want to leave my 2 and 5 yr old is an indication that I'm not taking it seriously, is it?

But even if your assumptions were entirely correct, do you expect your friends to just stay out of the way when you're going through a tough time? When you've been at the birth of their child? When you've been on speed dial through numerous toddler asthma attacks? When you've listened to each other other about all the normal stuff re: babies, small children etc? I'm not saying therefore they must support me hour by hour, but there did seem to be some purpose to my existence at those points.

I'm not asking anyone to take sides, or to condemn him, I realise that this is my issue not theirs, and only one of them knows DH to any great extent anyway, but they've all been very quick to agree/rant when I've said something about the issues that have made me want to walk away... and now I have.

I think if after the next, what, few weeks, few months, I did end up a "properly" single parent, if they then started getting involved I'd want to tell them to stuff it...but maybe by then I'm not in a position to turn away help?

[Stigmata]

Sorry, Running, didn't reply to you - I feel that saying i'd expected more support makes me feel even more vunerable..I'm not sure how to put it, but it makes me want to cry that I have to ask for them to check in every now and then.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If a few friends have proved to be less caring than you originally thought, that would be par for the course. In a situation such as birth or illness it's far easier to deal with than a relationship break-up, because they're finite and there's usually a happy ending. You know you'll be helping out for a few days and then the pressure will be off. With a break-up ... and it's sad but true ... if you pitch in as a friend at Day 1 you're accepting that you'll be spending weeks and months of long nights over a bottle of wine listening to your friend pour their heart out. I've been that friend and I've also been the break-up-ee... and it's not everyone's cup of tea.

Don't feel bitter about it, however. There will be a point in the future where you're quite glad you didn't share your life so closely with too many people when you were at your lowest. If you're offered help by those who haven't been there immediately, take it on face value.

[cwtch4967]

People don't know what to say in these situations and can be afraid of taking sides. Do you want a reconciliation or do you want to leave?

[Esta3GG]

So, was a single parent friend right when they said that women see divorce as more scary than cancer

As both a single parent and a cancer patient I have to say that is the biggest pile of bollocks I have read in a long time. Your friend clearly has never had cancer.

What I do have to tell you OP is that in my experience major life events (like getting cancer/being widowed etc) really sort out the wheat from the chaff where friends are concerned. The people I thought would be with me through thick and thin were nowhere to be seen. But occasional acquaintances on the periphery of my life turned out to be wonderfully supportive people when the shit hit the fan.
Take it as an opportunity to prune your address book. Very liberating actually.

[queenrollo]

my experience was the same as Esta
my closest, longest standing friends ran for the hills when my relationship with DS dad came to an end. One mutual friend (of 14 years) at least had the decency? to say that he was friends with ex first and felt he couldn't be there for both of us, and his loyalty was to my ex. That hurt, but with hindsight I can see he was right.
The best support I got came from the most unlikely people. Some of those people have now (4 years on) gone from being peripheral friends, or aquaintances, to being close friends. People that I can rely on when I need them.
Mumsnet was also a real refuge for me in the months after the split. Wasn't always easy to read some of the opinions and advice I was offered, but I was head screwed on enough to realise i needed all of that advice, not just sugar coated words to make me feel better.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's true that some people just don't know what to do or say in a situation like this so they retreat completely.

[sunshineandbooks]

I'm sorry you're feeling so abandoned.

Many people have learned to their cost that being too supportive after a breakup can backfire spectacularly if the couple then get back together. As you and your H are still living together, your friends are probably really unsure of how to handle this.

They may also be really scared of phoning to speak to you and having your H answer the phone - how awkward would that be!

It could also be that you're (understandably) difficult to talk to right now? If you're desperately unhappy that's good enough reason to say "I'm not happy and things have to change or I'm leaving". You don't need to justify yourself to anyone other than yourself, but your post gives the impression that you still feel bad about this and you're a little on the defensive side. That can often have people running for the hills because most people really don't know how to deal with anger. It makes them too uncomfortable. A good friend will normally swallow this down eventually and be there anyway to help you get through it, but it may take time for them to pluck up the courage.

You'll come through this, and you may well lose one or two friends as a result (you really do find out who you friends are when the chips are down), but you'll also find out who of your friends you can rely on, and that's invaluable information for your new and improved future. I hope you feel better soon. It will get better.

[Stigmata]

Thanks Esta, I think it might be. Just so you know, I wasn't saying she said one was worse than the other, but that the way people react to it - ie, the whole idea that either is contagious and you need to back away slowly etc etc. Hope that's more helpful.

I have been very surprised at the help I've had from the two women at work - I probably told them as much as I did my friends, ie bare bones plus another few minutes (so, so far no-one has had to contend with long nights of hand wringing and wine!), and I've only known them a few months.

I spoke to them independently of each other, and Im not even sure they know each other have been involved, but both managed to sound genuinely concerned without needing to pitch straight in/run in the opposite direction.

cwtch - I want to leave, but I am not so stupid as to ignore the option of reconciliation, it's not just about me. If there is ANY way of resolving this so that the children do not have to deal with the consequences then of course I'm going to give it a shot. I'm trying very hard to get it right, and I didn't know there was a right way to leave. It's a bit like leaving work suddenly when my father was very ill, and my boss saying, well, is he actually dying? I don't know, but I need to find out if there's any hope for us all.

He is not violent, he is a good father, and apart from my darkest moments I still feel some affection for him. It is sins of omission (ie no affection, no acknowledgment) that has ended up overwhelming me, rather than sins that you can say - "up with that I will not put". Which is why it's taken so long to get this far.

[tangledweb]

Very often the things we're scared of when leaving isn't really what we should fear.

A great friend who got divorced 20 years ago said it was the way she was dropped by her female friends that stung utterly and she is still bitter. She could never explain why it is but is not friendless now, far from it! Just had to realise that the friends that came within the couple were often that, friends of the wife of that couple. People can be simple. Generally people don't want to be involved if they think there's going to be an old fashioned bun fight.

Hang on in there, sounds like you've got a bit of a nightmare on your hands. Don't rely too much on your male friend (any history there perhaps??) as that will muddy the waters, unless he's gay!, especially if female friends are being abit . Their husbands might be telling them to stay out of it, if they know your DH too?

[heleninahandcart]

EstaThe people I thought would be with me through thick and thin were nowhere to be seen. But occasional acquaintances on the periphery of my life turned out to be wonderfully supportive people when the shit hit the fan. Sad, but so familiar

[MrsMooo]

What Esta said is exactly what happend to me when my husband left me in July, people are funny like that.
It's been lovely to see the people who are genuinely kind and have really been helpful and supportive, inspires my faith in human nature

The other thing to consider is that a)they don't want to upset you further by talking aboutit and b)they have their own shit going on. I was irrationally angry that my oldest friend hadn't called/emailed etc to see how I was, turns out she was suffering with crippling PND that I hadn't seen because I was so wrapped up in my own shit

But yeah, it's shit when people you thught were your friends abandon you. The hard truth is that often the only person you can truely rely on is yourself :(

[Stigmata]

Sobering responses, but thank you. Will steel myself and just get on with what is in front of me.
I wish I knew that there were other reasons for staying away, but apart from the gp, who is really up against it, I'm pretty sure it's the reality of it. Ie, whilst we're all whinging about crap lives, that's fine....

Btw,i do feel terribly defensive, I'm being selfish in this process, not just putting up with this slow death of being ignored, for the sake of the children. I do realise that.

Thanks again.

[Stigmata]

Ps No obvious history with make friend, although we've always had great, um, chemistry. But that's absolutely not relevant, and I would never go there. He is also millions of miles away, so no, no chances of his kind of support being a problem with dh/mutual friends.

[Deepbreathkids]

This is a tough one. You're going from a girl that's good for a meaty gossip to someone who might need a shed load of support and it's likely to be the same conversation, over and over again. You also are changing status, no DH will be around to baby sit, cash flow and nights out could change. A divorcing woman doesn't bring much to the table socially and friends can be selfish.

Living in the box room sounds tough. You can at least rely on the girls on MN to give you a shoulder to cry on.

Like another poster, I'd also be questioning the male friend's motives at this time. Try and keep strong and sort out why you want to leave your husband first, keep your children in mind. Do you both have to stay in the same house or can DH move out and give you both some breathing room?

[Stigmata]

Thanks DBK, lol I doubt he has motives, but I know I don't. I want to sort this out as a single issue, and certainly do not want rescuing. We've known each other 20 years and now both have 2 small children each...if being in different hemispheres isn't enough , im going to stop otherwise it will start to sound like too much protesting!
Your view of other women is startling, and like something out of Mad Men, but maybe also true. Thanks for your post.

[Deepbreathkids]

Mad men, how depressing, I see myself as a feminist! It's just that your story resonates with me for personal reasons and i've had to try and explain people away and that's the best that I could come up with. People aren't as alturistic as we'd like them to be. There are gems out there though and you won't be by yourself. How long have you settled in the other hemisphere. Would you consider coming home and getting yourself sorted?

I am a bit suss about the other guy but the grass always looks greener, especially in times of trouble. Some people sense vulnerability. Wait until you're an equal again. You will be.

[Stigmata]

Lol, that wasn't a criticism, it just reminded me of that kind of suburban brittle mirage, that comes crashing about your ears if you don't play nice, which is exactly what it's like here, but I thought I'd found a couple of friends who were bigger than tht.
Part of the problem is that I am a socialist feminist by descent and I'm living in Stepford....

[Deepbreathkids]

Play naice! Don't forget. Your heritage may not have given you the weapons to survive the warfare.

[mycatsaysach]

i would say this is par for the course tbh
and people may be worried that separation/divorce is contagious because it is in a way
i have been through this recently and find my friends are more than happy never to bring it up in conversation - bit annoying after having been the sympathetic ear on many occassions.
only other friends that are single are easier to chat with about it all.