or hormonally pissed off with his drinking?

[TheFantasticFixit]

I am 36+4 weeks pregnant with our first child, due in the last week of this month. My DP is apparently very excited to be a father and in many ways is very supportive. However, throughout my pregnancy we have had a number of arguments about him going out in the day during the week (he finishes work at midday) and coming home pissed and reeking of booze. He works in media and so has a very sociable job - its not unusual for him to attend free drinks things etc. This isn't the only thing he does with his afternoons - he goes to the gym, cinema etc but occurs at least once a week. Obviously my social life is non existent at the moment with drinking off the agenda (and being knackered, bloated etc etc)

I've previously spoken to him that as we get closer to the due date that I need him to wind it down and stop drinking so much - I don't mind him going to the odd thing but it is the fact that he will drink heavily and come home completely ratarsed to the point where he stumbles around and can't string a sentence together. He has been out for a freebie lunch today which was supposed to last 2 hours - but despite me asking him to not drink too much at the lunch has then gone on to drink loads on the other side of the city, and a two hour lunch has turned into an 8 hour session.

This isn't about him having a drink problem - it isn't that - it is about him prioritising his social life over his responsibility to me at this stage in my pregnancy. I need to know that if I go into labour he is with me, able to support me, get me to the hospital etc without me having to have a back up plan. I'm furious with him tonight - I've explained why I am so angry and he has told me that he is 'getting it out of his system' before the baby arrives and that I am over reacting.. well, am I?

Please be gentle - I'm very hormonal at the moment but do need some perspective if IABU..

[TheFantasticFixit]

bump :(

[Buddhagirl]

Hey,

I think you have a right to be concerned. I think he doesnt massively understand how worried you are, in an ideal world he would stop now to show you he can do it. However, I think he probably is doing this to get it out of his system. You are not going to know though until the baby arrives really. If it was me I would ask him not to get wasted when my due date is a week off. If thats to risky for you ask him to imagine if you went into labour and he was off his head and see what he says.

[moanymandy]

Yadnbu! When I was pregnant with ds I put dp on a drinking ban from about 35 weeks!
Give him his due he did it with little resistance!
I think you need to have a few stern words and make it very clear you dint want him drinking this close to due date. It's not much to ask and surely he understands why you're asking him to do it?!
Good luck and hope all works out well in the end!

[squeakytoy]

YANBU...

Before you know it he will be "getting it out of his system" while the baby is not sleeping through the night... and "getting it out of his system" before the baby gets old enough to ask why Daddy is drunk... and so on..

He is an adult, and he clearly has a problem with knowing when to stop drinking before he is blotto.

There is no point at all in having a go at him when he is pissed though. Wait till first thing in the morning, and then let rip at him.

[TheFantasticFixit]

Thanks all - he's now in the spare room snoring it off.. bloody twat.

I don't want to be the partner who says what he can and can't do but he doesn't appear to be capable of understanding by himself that his responsibilities actually took effect 9 months ago... not just now. I am going to take all of your advice and speak to him tomorrow about it - my mum is going to be at the birth as well as a 'back up' birth partner but she lives 150 miles away.. think i might have to rethink about when i notify her to make her way to me! To be honest I think i have been really very reasonable so far - but this is it, I can't risk him letting me down when i need him the most. Its irritating at best - his snoring all night does my head in when i'm sleeping so lightly at the moment, and at worst, well, he could really let me down couldn't he? A drinking ban is lookinng very favourable at the moment...!

Thanks for being gentle as well :)

[TheFantasticFixit]

Squeakytoy - that is my worry as well - that when she arrives he is going to pull stunts like this. He has already mentioned a couple of event things that he 'needs' to go to about a fortnight after my due date and I've had to make it quite clear that she could be literally days old if she comes late. I'm pissed off that I feel that he isn't getting that he needs to make sacrifices now and that starts with these afternoon sessions - argh... it comes down to literally 'grow the fuck up' doesn't it..

I don't mind him going on the lunch, and having a couple or so drinks. I bloody mind him going on a session, not letting me know where the hell he is and rolling in 8 hours later completely wrecked. It isn't bloody fair.

[wellymelly]

am so annoyed have just spent ages writing you an essay of what to do and MN signed me out as didn't sent for ages! Shall attempt to remember what I wrote

[TheFantasticFixit]

Oh no Welly - very annoying! :)

[wellymelly]

So: here goes again- shall summarize, ok maybe not

Feel bad for you - must be feeling very insecure. Basically I think your dp acting like a wanker but you need to be a bit cunning with how you handle it. He is clearly shitting himself, if you ask me and doesn't know how to handle his feelings. Make an "appt" with him when he is not drunk and has nothing else to do. Ask him how he feels -that usually works with needy men! Tell him how you feel exactly and why. Don't make excuses for him or accept any and make sure when you discuss this you both have time and no distractions. A lot of men are very considerate by nature and when their children arrive are caring and take the initiative. Lots need written instructions of what to do - so make some - things he will be responsible for in the house - this is the mistake I made - not doing this. REMEMBER: LOTS OF MEN DON'T HAVE INITIATIVE. He sounds like he also needs to be treated like a child and given a strict bedtime routine!!!! You do need to somehow engage him in some communication as it will get worse once the baby arrives...so its vital that you are both working as a team at this stage. You will then be exhausted and your relationship will be under stress from broken nights sleep etc. This could then provide him with another perfect excuse to hide behind "work" and get bladdered regularly.

I am concerned about the drinking....I know about this from previous experience. When someone in his position is binging it is either because, as I suggested before he is shitting his pants about the enormous responsibility of being a parent, (many men struggle with this). Or it is becoming a bit of a habit, a prop to help him when he is down...There is nothing wrong with having a couple of drinks and yes, maybe a few more at New Year but you are not sipping vodka through a straw to calm your anxiety about him because you are being responsible for your unborn child. Maybe he is just getting it out of his system.....but I would strongly recommend that you keep you eye on it.

Sounds like you have bee given some good advice from other MNs so good luck and let us know how your "chat" goes

[AnyFucker]

you don't think your partner has a drinking problem ?

really ?

[Honeydragon]

I know you said you don't want to hear this but he does have a problem. He knows he could be needed. He knows he could be with you He is choosing to be drinking away from you. You have every right to be pissed off.

As for the getting it out of his system before the baby comes that is a pretty pathetic excuse, almost as pathetic as it being "part of the job".

You need him. He is letting you down. I'm sure there are plenty of things you'd like to get of your system right now. Truthfully I don't think you are asking him to make a major sacrifice, or telling him what to do. You need him right now and he should be capable of realising that by himself.

[samandi]

Sounds like he has a big drinking problem to me. It's beyond inconsiderate too. My partner actually said he's give up drinking if I got pregnant as it wouldn't be fair on me. To come home reeking of booze is not only a slap in the face to you, but also at this stage in your pregnancy really bad from a supportive and practical point of view. He should be coming home at midday to look after you/do housework etc.