To think that if DH is going to do household chores, he should do them properly!!

[FlubbaBubba]

dons hard hat and flame-retardant suit

[cjbartlett]

Yanbu

[ovenchips]

YAsoDNBU

[Bogeyface]

Wow, he really does think he is doing you a favour doesnt he?! He needs to learn that the old "I'll be crap so I dont have to do this job again" ploy went out with the Ark.

I recommend a laundry strike. I am sure he will soon work out how to do the washing properly when he is doing his own.

[Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit]

YANBU, get him to redo the laundy. Otherwise it becomes your job because "he's no good at laundry, you know that"

[Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit]

cross-posted with Bogey there!

[FlubbaBubba]

Wow. I really thought I was being unreasonable, but I'll take the first four answers at face value :o :o

lol

I've tried a laundry strike of sorts, leaving the clothes (that I washed, hung up then folded into a small pile) to be put away. He didn't do it, and didn't do it, and didn't do it so I ended up doing it. MUG that I am.

He doesn't think there's anything wrong with the way he's hung them all up by the way.

[FlubbaBubba]

(btw, apologies for the lol but I really did, so felt the need to get down wiv da kidz and use lol )

[darleneoconnor]

Yanbu, he should do jobs properly. Do you have other examples?

[Bogeyface]

Thats not a laundry strike!

I am talking about you doing NONE of his washing at all, no pants, no socks and especially no work clothes. You would be amazed how quickly they realise how much you do when they are facing an empty wardrobe half an hour before they need to leave for work! Thats after the massive strop obviously, you do need to ride that out first!

[Omigawd]

Yabu as if you give tasks to others you must expect them not to do it your way at first. Do you want him to help you again? If so I think gratitude and suggested changes - and the reasons - will work better than whinging.

[FlubbaBubba]

Since you asked darlene...

When he 'sweeps' the floor, there is some evidence that he has indeed swept some of the floor. Tends to leave huge fecking expanses of some floor unswept - to be done by me (in a rage) later.

When he 'cleans' the kitchen, he washes up whatever doesn't fit in the dishwasher, and gives the two surface tops a quick wipe. He never lifts things up to clean round them, he never cleans the sink and washing up area itself and rarely cleans the hob.

A few weeks back we went camping. He is currently in the spare room for the sake of him and the baby and me. We took his duvet, which got weed on by one of our DDs. I took the cover off to wash it when we got home. A week later, I realised he was still sleeping with the (slightly weed on ) duvet, with no cover and no pillow cases. YUCK!!!

And don't even get me started on the loo brush!!!!


And breathe! Good to have a rant!! :)

[darleneoconnor]

Oh that all sounds very familiar. My DP protests that he does a lot of housework, (he does) but he tends to just do the everyday wiping, sweeping, washing type stuff you describe rather then the, pulling things out, deep clean that I'd do.

Like, despite probably spending 10 hours a week on housework he has NEVER: cleaned the windows, washed the curtains, wiped the shower screen or the wall tiles in the bathroom, washed the brushes and combs, washed the toothbrush holder or toothbrushes, wiped the radiators, light switches, door handles or skirting boards, sorted through the old mail, sewn anything, cleaned the oven, dusted 'hidden' places like the top of doors or reached the bottom of the laundry basket. Does anyone have a DP who does all this?

[Triphop]

Try sitting him down with a beer, when you are calm, and calmly explaining all of this. No strops or rage. Explain that it makes you spitting, fighting, fuming angry when he does a crap job on the housework.

He either

1. really considers housework to be your job and thinks any crap contribution he makes is incredibly new-man of him, and you should be grateful
   
2. he is a slob, and your expectations of cleanliness are mystifying and annoying ( the duvet seems to suggest this)
   
   If it's one, try the firm, reasoned explanation to set him straight. And then come up with a plan of what he will do, and how to do it well. If that doesn't work, laundry strike.
   
   If it's two, god help you. Cuz that's a tough one.

[sungirltan]

yanbu. my dh does similar. so does fil. all my dh can do really well is clean the kitchen but it takes him all day and this annoys me for other reasons. he has no practical approach to hw at all. what i mean by that is that i give the bathrooms a wipe about once a week, fill the machine if the basket is nearly full, change the sheets on our/dd's bed when they look like they need it, go through the cupboards and start a shopping list and do all of these things as i go along. dh wants a day off with no dd to clean the kitchen and when he's done it he wants a medla. meh

[dreamingbohemian]

DH and I used to have quite a few fights about housework, as we were trying to split everything 50-50, and he was pretty shite at lots of stuff (not on purpose, he's just a bit slobby). But gradually we found a better system where we each do the tasks we mind the least (DH loves cooking, I don't mind laundry) and try not to critique each other's methods.

DH also pointed out there's a lot of 'housework' that isn't cleaning, for example he always takes the bins out, did most of the shopping and bill-paying.

I do really hate the idea of people getting out of jobs by being crap at them, but you can't make someone do a great job at something they just don't care about it. (Or rather, you probably can, but is it worth all the fights?)

DH has never cleaned the bathroom (or rather, if it were up to him, he would clean it twice a year! ewww) but he does so much other stuff, I do think we contribute equally (looking at the big picture).

So yes, your DH is BU, but only you know whether you can get him to do a better job, and if it's worth the aggro.

[sungirltan]

thats true dreaming - my dh takes the bins out and pays the bills without ever a complaint or nag. food for thought

[dreamingbohemian]

Yes, it was actually a real eye-opener when my DH finally explained where he was coming from -- I was just looking at cleaning and laundry and dishes, he was looking at everything needed to keep the household going. (also fixing stuff, dealing with landlord) I definitely clean more (except for dishes, which he doesn't mind doing) but he does way more of the other stuff, so to me it evens out in terms of time and effort.

[controlpantsandgladrags]

Oooooh I could add an enormous list at this point! But I will be kind to you and just tell you that DH thinks putting bleach in the loo constitutes cleaning the bathroom.......he has obviously failed to notice the sink and bath despite using them everyday

[LilQueenie]

yanbu and I sympathise with you. My DP arghh.... Will not use a washcloth to wash dishes but his hand. Once used cold water and bleach on kitchen floor and then immediately wiped down the kitchen worktops with it because 'bleach kills everything'. does not sepereate clothes to be washed. thankfully I have taught him and he mostly does it correct now. He has no choice we have a baby arriving and no way could I trust him with those standards to do it alone.

[WriterofDreams]

I explain to DH how to do it as though he is a bit thick. I do it very nicely so he can't get mad. Mean I know but I know he knows how to do it and is just being lazy. I pretend not know he's being lazy and act like he's just a bit slow on the uptake. Works most of the time

[zipzap]

Is there anything that he is into where he takes lots of care that you could use as an example when discussing this with him? Whether it is gardening or gaming or tinkering with cars or watching footie, anything that you could say that his attempt at doing whatever he did badly is the same as playing footie with the goals boarded up or just pressing the fire button randomy or leaving potted plants on the flowerbed without planting them in so that actually yes doing something badly can have ramifications that are not good and that actually you would prefer him to leave the washing out in a neatly flattened pile rather than hang it up badly.

[FlubbaBubba]

:) Ladies you are making my day!! :)

darlene I think we are married to the same man! :o

Triphop I fear, (gulp), it may be a case of your second scenario :(

rofl WriterOfDreams :o

Not really zipzap, but I appreciate the thought.

Right - thinking of things he does do well so as to regain some perspective: he puts the rubbish and recycling out every week (I do it too from time to time), but he does the lion's share of that definitely. Doesn't need reminding or cajoling most of the time

He will 'pop' to the shops frequently to get the daily food needs (bread, milk etc).

He puts the girls to bed pretty much every night, which came about because they are at home with me all day, he gets home in time, and I invariably need the break and he loves it normally when they don't splash the crap out of him at bathtime!

He mows the lawn (although last week was the very first time in 10 years of being together that I've not thought I should do it again!! :o :o)

Okay - thank you. He does do those things. Must remember this all when he next re-styles our clothes, or leaves crumbs out for the mice, or...

Thank you ladies. Genuinely! Much calmer now :)

[nickelbabe]

Flubba - definitely YANBU.
You do need to go on laundry strike.
wash and dry only your own and DCs' clothes.
leave his to fester in a pile.

If DH was this shitty useless/reluctant to do any cleaning, I wouldn't have got together with him (he lived on his own for 15 years, so had got used to cleaning etc)
he's not that frequent at cleaning, have to admit, but when he does do it, he does a good job.
(i don't do much either, so....)

[sunshineandbooks]

Don't make the mistake of listing the things that he does do and think that it excuses him. From what's been said on here you're doing about 80% of domestic chores AND looking after a 5month old baby that wakes you through the night for feeding. That's not on and it's exploitative.

I suggest a long, calm chat explaining all this and if he doesn't change after that he's a selfish chauvinist. If he loves you he will not want to see you exhausted and feeling put upon.

What you're describing is a very common side effect of having a baby, when people who've had very equal relationships suddenly find themselves taking on traditional roles and the balance of labour becomes very unequal. It's quite normal but it does have to be nipped in the bud before it sets the tone for the rest of your marriage. The way to assess what's fair is to ensure that you both have the same amount of rest/me time.