to want to cancel our anniversary dinner?

[tak1ngchances]

DH and I have been married two years, together ten. We've had our ups and downs but we are generally happy.
Tomorrow is our actual anniversary and I have been bugging him for weeks about booking somewhere (nice, local, not expensive) for dinner to celebrate. Nothing was booked, nothing was mentioned. Eventually we were out for a walk yesterday and went past an Italian restaurant which looked quite nice so I went in and booked a table.
This morning I woke up early and made us brekkie, I put his on a tray and brought it in to him in bed. Then I got the papers and was sitting down reading when he says he is going out for most of the day to play golf. Absolutely fine, I have plans with a girlfriend.
HOWEVER. I have just gone into the kitchen and he has made no attempt at all whatsoever to clean up. The tray is on our bed with the plate having slipped off and left a ketchup stain on our duvet cover. His clothes are all over the bedroom floor and generally everything is a complete tip.

WWYD. I am a) pissed off that he showed no interest whatsoever in our anniversary and b) highly pissed off that he waltzed out and left everything in a tip.
I am considering cancelling the booking at the Italian place and sending him a text to inform him.

I do not especially want to come across like a nagging wife though, that will be his stock response: Stop nagging me.

[IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp]

Leave him a note saying he's to clear up and have a lovely day with your friend :-)

Or take your friend for the meal tonight

[atswimtwolengths]

Sorry, I've tried to type responses to this and keep having to delete them.

He sounds like a selfish man who isn't bothered about celebrating your anniversary. I suppose you have to think about whether he can be changed or whether you can put up with it.

[CeliaFate]

I'd disappear for the day and go out for a meal with your friend.

[TidyDancer]

I think he sounds inconsiderate and a bit lazy. I don't know if you should cancel the dinner though.

Is he usually okay with this stuff, or is this telling of his general behaviour?

[tak1ngchances]

Sigh. I know that's how he sounds atswim*. I should also say that I have been very poorly recently and he has been absolutely amazingly kind and helpful and supportive. He is a good husband. He is just bone-idle lazy and his entire family forget birthdays, anniversaries, and the like. There has never been any emphasis on that kind of thing in his life.
I, on the other hand, was brought up in a family where there was a huge fuss made over any and every milestone/achievement and a ridiculous amount spent on presents and things. Neither is particularly good IMO, but I would like a halfway house!

[Icelollycraving]

Tricky! Tomorrow is another day. Send a text saying 'would have been nice of you to clean up! I'm ordering an extra nice bottle at the Italian for that!'
If you are happy generally then appreciate what you have,my dh didn't do anything for our first anniversary on Friday. So glad I decided not to buy that expensive watch!

[jeee]

If you cancel the date, your DH might not even notice (my DH wouldn't). You'll be fuming, he'll be completely oblivious - which is a bit pointless.

If he's amazingly kind, helpful and supportive in other areas, I think it's worth forgetting his shortcomings and enjoying yourself tonight.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Did you get a nice card/present? Any acknowledgement from him that today is special?

I think it's arrogant and rude to just fuck off out in the assumption that you will clear up after the breakfast that you made for him. He sounds lazy over entitled to me.

Does he often accuse you of 'nagging' if you expect him to pull his weight?

I'd be inclined to text him with the message 'thank you for helping to clear up the kitchen and bedroom and for making me feel cared for and special today. Happy Anniversary.' See what comes back.

If you both have a day off, then I'm not sure why you are spending your anniversary with other people. Hardly romantic is it?

[tak1ngchances]

Well the anniversary is tomorrow and we'll both be working then. We said we'd do dinner tonight. We do lots and lots of things together so I'm not worried about that!
We said no cards and presents because we are having a very expensive time at the moment and we both had birthdays recently.

I actually am a bit naggy. I am a perfectionist and tire even myself out wanting things to be lovely all the time. He is so laid back that he is horizontal. This is good in many ways as it means I make him get off his ass sometimes and he is very good and calming me down and making me unclench a bit!

I did expect him to show a bit more interest in the choice of restaurant though and I am peeved (to put it mildly) about the tidying-up.

So far my favourite suggestion is icelolly's, I might go with that.

[atswimtwolengths]

The anniversary is tomorrow, karmabeliever. Read the OP!

[fedupofnamechanging]

The OP implies they are celebrating today, what with booking a restaurant for dinner and the OP making breakfast in bed atswim. I did read the OP, so no need to be snotty!

[AuntiePickleBottom]

don't cancel the meal.

when your DH comes home, say lets get this place sorted before we have a lovely evening together

[GreenToes]

Don't cancel the meal as you're celebrating a whole year together, not just today. The tidying issue is annoying, but don't let it spoil your special night.

I think it'd be best to leave the stuff for him to tidy up but don't mention it - especially not in a text, that would piss my DP off and he'd be grumpy about it all day instead of having romantic thoughts about the upcoming date!

To be honest if I were you I would probably just tidy everything up, if I had time, so that the bedroom especially will be nice and tidy for when we got back from the date, and so I wasn't feeling annoyed by the mess. I would treat this as a one-off issue and forget about it in the interest of having a romantic evening together, and mention it if it happens again.

Congratulations on your anniversary and I hope you enjoy the meal if you go ahead with your plans :)

[atswimtwolengths]

Sorry, karmabeliever, didn't mean to snap!

[fedupofnamechanging]

Sorry too atswim. Think I am unnecessarily grumpy today. Both DH's laptop and the digibox have both broken this morning and I was in a bit of a grouchy mood.

[tak1ngchances]

MN love-in! I love it. Go atswim and karma