Update on EX visiting - what do I do now?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

So the man texts me to say he wants to see DS1, I say fine then we need to sort it out properly. You also need to pay maintenance for him as he is your son. He agrees and says yes in all the right places. I
tell DS1 he wants to see him and then tell the idiot DS1 wants to see him and guess what happens? He goes silent and won't reply to any message ffs. How many times am I meant to ask him what he is doing with regard to my son?
All I asked for was £60 pm well sod it I will go to the CSA and he can pay a lot more than that. He owes them enough that they will take it straight out of his wages and I really don't care anymore. He had every opportunity to see my son and do things in an adult way yet all he did was ignore ignore ignore.

[FabbyChic]

Time to make a stand and say that you will no longer allow him to mess your child about, and that if he wants access he can do it properly via a solicitor, further advise you will go via the CSA for child support. The amount you propose is really reasonable.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Fabby, I am so angry. I am going to have to deal with the overspill from DS1. He doesn't cope well with change so have prepared him to see the cunt (excuse my language) and now he has gone silent. Obviously has found a fuck buddy and doesn't need his son for company now.

[plupervert]

If he's not going to be reasonable, it's the responsible thing for you to do, to make sure the maintenance and contact are formalised, using agents who have nothing to do with your or our DS's relationship with this man.

Perhaps if other people get involved, he will have to play at being more grown-up? Even if you know that's fake, any stability would be good for your DS.

Sounds a horrible situation - sorry

[TheLadyEvenstar]

I have just realised when he went silent was after I had explained about DS having aspergers and sent him a copy of the report.......so in his eyes (imo) he is no longer the perfect child to him....I could be wrong but I doubt it. I remember when I was pregnant he said "if this baby is born with anything wrong we'll put it in care as I don't want a non perfect child" so maybe thats what it is!

[plupervert]

Oh, dear, that's a terrible and demoralising thing to even suspect.
However, even though that's not something you can prove, it's not something he can admit to formally, either, so going the formal route can't hurt.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Plup he doesn't need to admit it, I know how he stands with disability - I had forgotten as he was so far out of my mind it was not important.

[CurrySpice]

CSA his arse!

[plupervert]

I meant that that will not be considered an acceptable excuse or even a relevant factor, if your contact is more formal. If he really has issues like that, it is probably better that his contact is mediated by someone who has no emotional involvement with him, and who won't be interested in his views on disability.

[HerHissyness]

LES, your language is excused, that particular turn of phrase is the only correct one to apply to a man as low as this one seems to be.

Your poor DS.

No mercy now, CSA then cunt into oblivion and then some.

[HerHissyness]

the not then

[KaraStarbuckThrace]

LES - I think the word cunt sums him up.
I am at what he said when you were pg. Your poor DS1, sounds like he doesn't need this fucking loser in his life. But go and report him to the CSA and go down that route.

[barleymow]

My DSS's BM just laughed and ignored DP when he wanted to talk about child support (she ran off and left DSS). So he mentioned it again, and again, let's have a discussion so we can sort something out kind of thing. But that just led to more ignoring of the topic, so finally we went to the CSA and she is now paying the set amount and was extremely narked off about it - apparently because he earns more than her she shouldn't have to contribute at all to her son's upkeep! My advice is just go straight to the CSA. Don't feel bad about it, just call them. Then forget about it and it will be sorted for you. As for the access, really sorry to hear that, especially for your DS, must be confusing and hurtful.
Perhaps email him with some dates for access and ask which he'd prefer, sometimes making the absent parent have what seems more of a choice can help them to commit. Plus it might take some of the emotion and aggro out of the situation as that would be better for all concerned. Good luck

[TheLadyEvenstar]

I will be back later, he has just text and said he wants to talk - I text him and told him I was going to the csa. funny he found a way to reply then eh

[StayingDavidTennantsGirl]

I hope he finally wises up and starts to be something approaching a parent, TLES - and my heart goes out to your poor ds1, having to cope with that disappointment again. I really cannot understand anyone being that heartless towards a child.