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AIBU?

to tell DS's dad that he can't visit them at our family home

20 replies

missbusiness · 30/04/2011 23:00

for the past year my DSs dad, they are 11, 12 has visited them once a fortnight or so at our house. I told him recently this was not a suitable arrangement (various reasons)and pointed out that there is a park really close and other free activities nearby.

Since I told him this he has not seen the boys at all and in his email reply to their question'why haven't you seen us?' he said it was because I won't let him see them at mine and boys house.

AIBU to be unhappy with him seeing the boys in the house?I do wonder if i am being unreasonable to expect him to take the boys out of their home for their contact visits (he has not suggested having them visit his house) He does not call or mail the boys except to sort out visits and there is a lot of history here I am sure you can see.

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Oakmaiden · 30/04/2011 23:02

It is hard to know if you are being unreasonable without knowing the reasons he doesn't want to take them somewhere else and the reasons you don't want him to come to your house.

Actually, I guess you don't really need a reason unless there is some compelling reason for HIS behaviour. SO by the look of it YANBU. Unless, as I say, there is a good reason for their father to need to visit in your house.

thisisyesterday · 30/04/2011 23:03

well i think you need to get him to commit to another arrangement then. either say you;ll drop them at his... or allow him to come round to yours and thent ake them out?

CarGirl · 30/04/2011 23:06

I think YANBU, it is your duty to facilitate contact and encourage a relationship between your dc and their father provided that is what your dc want.

It is not your duty to provide your home in order for that to happen, you need privacy from your ex. At the age of 11 & 12 it's not like it's difficult to take them out somewhere!

squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 23:07

They are not young children, so why can they not go and meet him, or see him at his own home?

You have a right to privacy in your own home, and yanbu.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 30/04/2011 23:11

Of course YANBU, you are entitled to your privacy.

Simply tell the children that they can see their Dad and he can see them anytime/as per agreed schedule and that you have suggested he takes them to x,y or z (McDonalds, park, pictures etc). That way they'll know he's being daft and they will nag him into taking them to fun places win/win

missbusiness · 30/04/2011 23:15

hi thanks for all your quick replies, he will not commit to anything, and in my email explaining why he could not see them at new house, i said i could bring boys to him (despite no car)and while i could not continue 'home visits' i would do all i can to facilitate other contact.

I don't want him visiting as the toilet is downstairs, past the living room. I have bladder and bowel probs so end up walking through them several times during a visit. its not exactly time alone they get with him and as i said there is a park a stones throw away (if its pissing down then fair enough i suppose)

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squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 23:18

They are not small children though. I doubt they would want to go to a park. Bowling maybe, or something more age appropriate. I am fairly sure they wouldnt want to sit in the house either and make small talk.

Does he think they are still toddlers?

CarGirl · 30/04/2011 23:20

What is the history with him and the dc?

Honestly I would offer him fixed contact and then leave the ball in his court. Encourage your dc to phone him.

Why do you think he is refusing, is he sulking at you standing up to him or can he not be bothered with them?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 30/04/2011 23:22

Squeaky - depends if it's a park like ours or not?! Ours is FAB for older kids, lots of adventure stuff/high stuff/fly wires etc (I think the H&S numbskulls have forgotten it exists or it wouldn't!). But anyway, they were just off the cuff cheap options as suggestions, not to be followed to the T

thisisyesterday · 30/04/2011 23:22

hmmm so does he only see them for day visits? they nevber stay with him?
maybe that's the way forrward? organising weekends with him?

bubblecoral · 30/04/2011 23:23

I had to stop contact at home with my ex and dc, but they were younger than yours. I had allowed it for a while while they were still little because he wanted to still be able to do the bath/bed routine, but it coudn't go on forever. I wanted my home back and it felt like he had too much of an insight into my personal life when he was here quite often. It made me uncomfortable, and we actually get on very well.

Your children are old enough that they do not need to be at home to spend quality time with their Dad, and there is plenty they could go out and do. Talk it through with your children and explain your reasons so they understand your point of view, and don't just hear what he has to say when he is angry about it.

worraliberty · 30/04/2011 23:23

What's wrong with his house?

missbusiness · 30/04/2011 23:44

thanks so much for your responses,its my first AIBU and i was worried i would get slated! silly of me!
if they want to go bowling/mcdonalds etc then they(I) would have to pay for their stuff (not possible in my current situation)

they no longer stay with him as he lives with his gf having surrendured the HA property that he kicked us out of 10 years ago. he moved to oz for a year, on a whim, and then he got kicked out so came back to no house and no job (all his fault)
up until then he had them once a fortnight overnight but that had its troubles too. i am sure you can appreciate there are no winners here.

If i offered fixed contact he would reject it and not see them at all, he has done this several times before.if they tell him what they want, he says no, so now they don't ask as they know what the answer will be. its all about control and about being on his terms and I hate it, I hate hearing the boys cry about how they never see their dad.
At least when he saw them at mine they got to see him, but it certainly was not sustainable.
i think i know IANBU i just need to have some advice and other opinions. I feel its my fault they have not seen him, as it was ME who said contact can't be at home anymore.

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ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 30/04/2011 23:56

I can see why you feel as you do - you really are between a rock and a hard place aren't you :( (of course it's not your fault though! x He is a grown man who is manipulating you & them)

However, they can go to the park/library/woods/ or HE can put his foot down with the GF and they could go and hang out there (I presume she knows he has kids??).

Your boys are old enough to understand that you are entitled to have a life & some privacy, that their Dad has options but that he is choosing to blame you for it because it suits him. That their Dad can see them when he wants, but is such an idiot he sometimes chooses not to. Would you consider some counselling/big brother programme so that they understand this is all about their dad's inadequacies and is NOT about them??

squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 23:59

Why can he not take them to his girlfriends?

It certainly isnt your fault that they have never seen him. It sounds to me like (and sorry if this is blunt), he really doesnt give a shit about them, or he would do whatever it took to see them.

If he is taking them out, he should be paying, not you.

In the long term, as they grow up, (and it wont be too far off now), they will realise that he is a crap dad who couldnt be bothered, they wont blame you.

Hatesponge · 01/05/2011 00:00

I don't think YAB unreasonable at all. what a shit situation of your Ex to put you in though, where either you have to have him at your house or have disappointed DCs :( you poor thing.

Is there no way at all they could visit him where he's living? Even if it were less frequently? Or could he pick them up from school one day and take them to park for a kickabout with a football etc?

I have boys a similar age (10 & 12) - my Ex is currently sleeping on his parent's sofa having lost his own flat, the boys when they do see him have to go there, or he takes them out somewhere. It helps that he hates me so will not come within 10 ft of anywhere I am, which includes our house!

CarGirl · 01/05/2011 17:30

Sadly all you can do is keep standing up to him with a firm no to using your house. You can't make the non-resident parent see them unfortunatealy . All you can do is listen to your boys and sympathise with them

missbusiness · 01/05/2011 21:52

thanks for your replies and support. The boys have suggested loads of different ways in which they could see him, he agrees but then never actually makes arrangements. I think in the past 9 months he has seen them on average once a month
He lives 20 miles away, i don't know what his gf's place is like but he has never suggested taking the boys there.

I have tried to get him to mediation, but he point blank refuses! frustrating!

squeaky toy interestingly he talks to them like they are about 5 years old, lots of people have noticed this. scary thing is , this man is training to be a teacher but has no clue about his own kids.good luck to him with that!

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ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 01/05/2011 22:00

Why mediation? Isn't it pointless when he doesn't want contact - no-one will make him have contact?? :(

It's just so bloody frustrating there are GREAT Dads out there who would kill for contact with their kids, but they can't get it - then you have tits like this who could see his boys but he can't be arsed

TEACHER??? Oh for the love of god. What age group is he looking to teach? Not that it matters much, they all need decent people with their interests at heart teaching them :(

missbusiness · 01/05/2011 23:44

with the mediation, or any kind of discussion about th contact arrangements, he says he wants to see them, and make a regular arrangement,and goes on about how he loves his boys etc, but its all talk and no trousers.

I really wish he could be honest with them instead of all the am dram crap he comes out with about how much he misses 'his boys' between visits. he has a phone, he has internet, so do we, so there is nothing stopping him phoning occasionally or webchatting.

The excuses he comes out for not calling/seeing them are outrageous!

I agree on how many people out there are desperate for kids, or for contact with their kids and then there are people who don't bother to support their kids or maintain regular contact and they actually think that its acceptable behaviour.

i don't know what age group he is wanting to teach. on the one occasion he 'helped' DS1 with some homework he gave up and told DS1 to ask me, so maybe he wont get too far with his career choice

think i will have to stop twisting up my insides, i am doing all i can to support their relationship, what he chooses to do/not do has consequences for us but ultimately its out of my control.

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