Should I ask to meet her?

[bettyj]

To cut a long story short - I am now living with DP and DSS. DSS's mother chose to leave him and DP when DSS was nearly 5. She said a few things along the lines of 'I wish i'd never had him' and I 'need more me time'.
She went off with a new guy and didn't see DSS for a few weeks. I have been with DP for 18 months and met DSS a year ago. We've been all living together for 3 months. DSS's mother (lets call her W) has DSS for one night every fortnight and a week at a time in school holidays. DSS is coming up for 7. He is a lovely child, easy, sweet and fun to be around and very easy to love. I can't say I like or admire anything about his mother (in that she selfishly abandoned her only child) but he never hears anything negative from myself and DP about her. At a push we just say 'thats nice' at any mention. He comes back from weekends, totally knackered, staying up till 11.30 - he is 6! Also is generally full of BS and takes a day or two to get back to his lovely self.

I have never met W - she has never asked to meet me, AIBU to think this is totally weird as I feed, wash, clothe and cuddle her son every night but she has no interest in checking me out. When she collects/drops off DSS (we do one trip each per visit) DP meets her but soon there will be a weekend when he is abroad and I will be the one there with DSS. Do you think I should initiate a meeting - even a chance one before this. I generally feel quite uncomfortable about meeting her but realise it will happen one day. Any suggestions? Please be kind as I am a new Mumsnetter and also a new 'mum'

[catzcream]

nope. leave it.

DSS is happy, you guys are happy. It seems to be working. why do it?

[Teenybitsad]

Just pop out with DSS when she next comes, wave him off and say hi to her.

Thats' all. You need to know her a bit.

[BigusBumus]

As someone who has been in your situation with my DSS I would advise against meeting her beforehand, although I am sure most others would disagree.

I initiated a meeting and tentative "friendship" with my DSS's mother, (for the same reasons) and it all backfired big time. She suddenly got obsessed with me, calling, texting, emailing all the time. It was really weird. But I heard she was slagging me off behind my back and telling DSS all sorts of horrible (untrue) things about me. (Theres loads more, too long and boring to go into, but suffice to say, it was a truly dreadful situation). My DSS turned from a sweet easy child to a sullen, difficult child who cried a lot. It totally messed him up and my relationship with DP.

I broke off contact in the end with his mother and now DP does all the meetings etc. When he is away I meet DSS at the door with a brisk hello to his mum, maybe a discussion on timings, illness etc but thats all.

It is far far easier not to be "involved", not just for your DSS but for you as well.

Just ask yourself why she has never wanted to meet you before.... The fact that she hasn't wanted to says loads. I wouldn't bother. When you have to hand DSS over, just smile and say hello, give your DSS a quick cuddle and close the door.

[solooovely]

I agree with Teenybitsad, just show your face for now.

[BigusBumus]

Oh! Others agree!

[bettyj]

thanks v much for the comments so far (partic to BigusBumus) I think I will just poke my head out of the door and say hi. Job done.

It's quite difficult to raise this situation with anyone - tends to be incredulity that a mother would leave a child (as in there must be more to it) v the most annoying kind of people who say 'well she is his mother' with the implication that I can never compete. I don't want to compete, I really don't need to.

[fluffygal]

If she is the kind of woman who is happy to dump her child and only see them once every other week she is not going to be bothered who is looking after him.

My two DSS's BM has seen them four hours in the past 13 months, I've never met her (had plenty of nasty messages from her when OH and I first got together 2 years ago) and don't ever want to meet her. She has 5 children under 6 with 3 dads and they all live with their fathers.

On the other hand, my OH has contact with my ex and regularly drops the kids off to him or is here when ex drops them off, but then both my ex and my OH are good dads.

Why WOULD you want to have contact with her?

[squeakytoy]

As a stepmother myself. Avoid meeting her if you can. Do not be friends with her, and let your partner deal with issues that need to involve her.

[fluffygal]

Oh and bettyj- by your last post- just because you give birth to a child doesn't mean you are a mummy. They say anyone can be a father, it takes a real man to be a dad, its the same for mums.

[solooovely]

Well it sounds like you are more of a mum to this boy then his birth mother. Lucky he has you.

[StuffingGoldBrass]

It's a bad idea to try to befriend someone you disapprove of. Not saying you are wrong to disapprove of her, but if she is an unreasonable person, it's never good to expect reasonable behaviour from someone unreasonable: just be civil to her at handovers and (as you are already doing) civil about her in front of her DS.

[bettyj]

I don't want to befriend her in the slightest. But I think I just found it odd that she didn't want to meet me. However having read your comments, v helpful thank you, I was probably imagining myself in her position far too much. I've never given birth to a child but just cannot imagine 1) walking away from it and 2) not wanting to check out the person who is bringing him up.

There is definitely no reason to have any communication between us other than a civil greeting at the door.

Feel much happier about it all- thanks