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AIBU?

AIBU to feel cross with my friend for upsetting my best friend (one week from her due date)?

15 replies

ninaandbean · 11/02/2011 23:52

So my closest school friend is due in a week, and her DP is a marine about to be deployed to Afghanistan, in four weeks. Not an ideal situation I'm sure most ppl can agree. But they are very much in love, happy and excited about their imminent LO's arrival and LO was planned.

Our close mutual friend has been to see her today and apparently informed her that 'we all' are worried that she won't cope, has no idea what she's letting herself in for, and that she's going to have a horrible time when her DP goes. It seems to have come across to my friend that she was reckless/careless to get pregnant - which is an awful thing to imply to someone, esp as LO was planned. Even if s/he wasn't I'd have poked anyone in the eye who implied my DS was a mistake!

I'm p**d off for two reasons: 1st, why on earth would you SAY that even if you thought it?? What a horrible downer to put on things a week before her due date!! I've have been livid if someone had told me they didn't expect me to cope 1 week before I popped. 2nd, she has included me and another friend in this - implying we all think the same thing and have been tutting behind her back, which we haven't. Well, which I haven't. I've wondered out loud what I can do to support her, as I know doing it alone will be hard work, but that's because I care. I am the only one from our circle of friends with a baby already btw.

She sent me a text today to say she's upset by the comments, and doesn't want to talk about it. I've tried to let her know that yes, we want to support her, and yes, it may be tough but all new parents find it tough - and she will do a wonderful job. Needless to say, foot in mouth friend is not a parent yet, and prob has no idea how crap her timing is. But still. Gah. I am so cross! Feel dreadful that she thinks all her friends have been so negative. She doesn't want to talk to me :( so I'm not pushing it. WWYD?

OP posts:

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MordechaiVanunu · 11/02/2011 23:57

You dot what the friend said just what the best friend feels about what was said. If she's anxious herself she may have interpreted things negatively that weren't meant to be harsh, friend may have been trying to help and either phrased it badly or been misinterpreted.

Try to talk them both. Be super excited when the baby comes, supportive in the future and all will probably blow over.

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whereismumhiding · 12/02/2011 00:04

I wonder if it will help if you sent your friend an email or FB msg, explaining it just how you did. Or can you talk to her DP?

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whereismumhiding · 12/02/2011 00:05

Oh MV, that's better advice than I gave.

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HecateQueenOfWitches · 12/02/2011 08:02

imo, you need to tell her that you do not think this, that you have never had a conversation with your other friend where you said this and your other friend does NOT speak for you.

And you need to talk to the other friend and tell her that she doesn't include you in speeches like that again!

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CuntTrumpet · 12/02/2011 08:43

Explain your position to her and let your 'friend' know that she was way out of line.

I'm actually appalled by what she has said. Some people.

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ZillionChocolate · 12/02/2011 09:31

She might not want to talk but you definitely ought to explain your position. If it's happening anyway, I think it's always best to be positive. It might be difficult but you're confident she'll cope. If you have children yourself, maybe offer support with the preface that you had it and found it helpful - ie she's not a special case.

One of my friends has a husband who lives abroad. He's been back for about a month in total since their first baby (now 9 months) was 5 weeks old. She has coped incredibly well - it can be done.

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JamieLeeCurtis · 12/02/2011 09:40

I wouldn't get involved in the "other" conversation, personally. You don't know exactly what was said. Just continue to be supportive and speak for yourself.

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NancyDrewHadaClue · 12/02/2011 09:46

I suspect that your pregnant friend has misinterpreted what your other friend actually said, precisely because she is worried about struggling once her DH has gone.

Make it clear to your pregnant friend that your other friend doesn't speak for you and that you are here to support her. But be aware that to some people "I am here to support you" will translate as "I don't think you are going to cope".

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solooovely · 12/02/2011 09:47

You need to explain to here clearly that you had nothing to do with what the friend said.

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LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 12/02/2011 09:56

Have you spoken to the other friend to see if it's what was actually said?

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ninaandbean · 12/02/2011 11:15

Well now neither friend is returning my calls. I am still super angry that my supposed opinions have been presented this way, it really upsets me because I know that it was a way for the woman in question to deflect my BF's attention when she realised that she had upset her. She's done it before. Much easier to say 'Oh, so and so said blah blah' rather than to take responsibility when you know you've cocked up. I've not even spoken to her more than once since Christmas (the first woman that is), much less been calling her to gossip about BF's situation.

I have been trying to be really positive and thoughtful - if I'd wanted to say something or ask if she was ok, I bloody well would have done. But I didn't. So I clearly had my reasons - namely, not to upset her before her due date!!

I emailed my BF to explain that while I was sure our friend was trying to offer support, and had no idea that it would be so upsetting... that I had every faith in her. That she's already a fabulous mum (as is her DP a fantastic dad) and that every new parent gets scared, no matter what their situation. I mentioned how freaked out I was before DS was born about doing a good job, and said that it's never what you expect - it's better. It will be amazing, she'll love parenthood. And that ultimately it's her family so she calls the shots. If she needs anything, to let us know. And if she needs everyone to bog off and let her get on with it, to tell 'helpful' friends where to go! I hope she will realise we're on her side.

The only thing left to do is try to have a word with the mutual friend about not being so damn insensitive and to NEVER think she has the right to put words in my mouth again. For heavens sake, we're nearly 30. Can we all please just be allowed to speak for ourselves?? I think this in no small part has come about because the mutual friend is more than a little jealous of the babies (her relationship broke down when she wanted kids) so she can be far too agressive when she wants to 'get involved'. I suspect that she was angling to take a big role in the new baby's life by suggesting BF 'needs' lots of support. FFS. Want to be sensitive if this is the case but I still think she was out of order.

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JamieLeeCurtis · 12/02/2011 18:42

Your last post makes it clearer why you wanted to get in the middle of this - she has form. But it sounds like a bit of nightmare friendship triangle. Your email sounds like exactly the right thing to say. I

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QuestionNumber · 12/02/2011 19:35

Mutual friend should contact best friend to explain the misunderstanding and apologise.

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MadamDeathstare · 12/02/2011 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ninaandbean · 13/02/2011 10:21

I've decided not to contact either of them until they contact me... the week before my baby was born everything was incredibly hectic and I was all over the place. The week after I had no recollection of all those 'important' issues. As my mother would say, least said soonest mended. Still cross though lol. Bloody women - female friendships can be the worst!! Thanks for the comments!