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AIBU?

Or are they?

21 replies

finnsmummy80 · 07/02/2011 10:56

When I was 7 months pregnant my friend got engaged and asked me to be her bridesmaid...

I am not the smallest person in the world anyway, but add to that a pretty indulgent pregnancy and now I'm pretty huge so I sent her a rather long email saying that I am hugely flattered you asked me, but I am going to have a baby, I'm worried I won't lose enough weight to feel comfortable in a dress and don't want to ruin all your pictures etc so could I please not be a bridesmaid...

She replied saying not to be silly and I didn't need to lose any weight and actually it was a really sweet message so I agreed.

Then I had my DS by C Section, so no working out etc for 6 weeks, though actually was more like 9/10 weeks. I'm doing it now and dieting but it's hard to fit in with my new baby and sometimes when I get an hour all I want to do is look at him / clean my house / talk to DH... Not go for a run or to the gym.

The other bridesmaids are tiny... Size 6 tiny, and they
want to go dress shopping and tbh I'm terrified of
walking around with them, feeling uncomfortable and worried that there literally won't be anything to fit me.

No one else has children, and for the hen 'night' they want to go to a villa for 2 weeks... I explained that I
couldn't leave my DS for that long and actually just don't want to! My DH couldn't manage on his own with
looking after the baby and with work, only has about 4 days holiday so couldn't take all the time off.

Other than that there's a hen night in London that they are planning for the one day I can't do as I'm going to a wedding. (which they knew but chose the date anyway) I explained that even if I don't go, it's a family
wedding so I would have no one to have DS anyway. (my parents and sister are all going) They suggested I just find a for hire babysitter which I'm just not
prepared to do.

I think they're being totally unreasonable in expecting me to be able to do all this hen stuff, (whatever happened to just one night out??) and go be honest, I think I should just ask again not to be a bridesmaid but I don't want to hurt her.

AIBU?

OP posts:

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LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 07/02/2011 10:58

They are. You can't go to either hen do, that's a shame but never mind, your friend should understand. Call her and explain.

Grin and bear the dress experience I'm afraid. :)

Hassled · 07/02/2011 10:59

I think you're right - you don't need this level of stress and hassle right now. Her response first time was nice; she's probably just being thoughtless and a bit self-absorbed, but if you sit her down and explain everything she should be OK about it. Just make sure she knows you'll support her and care about her etc - so she understands it's not about her, it's about you post-baby etc.

Plumm · 07/02/2011 11:00

YANBU about the hen nights - of course you don't want to leave your baby.

How long is it until the wedding? My baby is due next week and I'm a bridesmaid in October so that's my goal to lose the baby weight (and more - I was a stone overweight to start with).

TrillianAstra · 07/02/2011 11:01

Even if you didn't have a baby - they want to go away for 2 weeks? Is that a typo?

giantpurplepeopleeater · 07/02/2011 11:02

To be honest it sounds like your friend is very reasonable and gets it and I'm sure that she would not have a problem with you not going to the hen do.

Her other bridesmaids don't sound very empathetic or entirely reasonable.

If I were you I would explain in a nice way to your friend (the bride) why you cannot go and then give the others as wide a bearth as you can without ducking out on your share of the organising etc. Iwould also talk to your firend and suggest you may need a different style of dress given the difference of body shapes and see if she is up for going shopping seperately with you

finnsmummy80 · 07/02/2011 11:02

3 months till the wedding...

And yes.. 2 weeks!! X

OP posts:

Jackstini · 07/02/2011 11:03

YANBU about the hen dos - they will just have to accept you can't go.
Re the dress, how long have you got and would she consider maybe having a different design dress for you in an identical colour in case what the size 6s choose is not flattering to you? When is it & how old is ds?

oopslateagain · 07/02/2011 11:04

YANBU at all.

Are you the same age as the other bridesmaids? I had four bridesmaids, three were a bit younger, and my best mate was my age, she was the 'maid of honour' and wore a lovely evening-type dress while the others wore typical bridesmaidy dresses. Maybe you could do that?

finnsmummy80 · 07/02/2011 11:04

It's in 3 months and DS is nearly 12 weeks x

OP posts:

bubblewrapped · 07/02/2011 11:05

YANBU, but neither is your friend. Its just a shame that the dates of a family weddding and the hen night co-incide. But a family wedding should take precedence anyway.

Your friend sounds very kind anyway, and probably appreciates you cant go on the villa holiday, but would rather at least ask you and give you the opportunity, as it would be rude to simply assume you cant go, and not invite you.

I am sure that she has asked you to be a bridesmaid because you are her friend, and will still want you to be one even if you cant go on the pre-wedding celebrations.

Why not suggest that you and the other bridesmaids and her mum perhaps, have a small night out for a meal a couple of days before the wedding..

stewmaker · 07/02/2011 11:06

dresses in the same colour but different styles can look really classy........... and if the dresses you each wear fit you better, noone looks stupid, and it's a better overall look.

talk to the b2b and explain about the hen do's she will be fine I am sure. Can you not arrange to take her out for dinner for a few hours just the two of you to compensate?

zikes · 07/02/2011 11:16

I think you should talk to the bride again. I don't think it's hugely unreasonable to withdraw from being a bridesmaid if you're really uncomfortable with it. I know it's her day and all that, but she does have other bridesmaids. Better to be a happy, relaxed guest than a miserable bridesmaid, I'd have thought. You could always help out in the background, when sh'e getting ready and all that, without doing the official bit?

You could always do a 'bridal shower' for her or something if you want to make some sort of gesture - although sounds like she's getting plenty of hen fun.

bluesheep · 07/02/2011 11:32

I agree with the other posters who have said to go for a dress style that suits you, but in the same colour as the other bridesmaids. I think that would look really nice, and you would feel a lot more comfortable.

As for the hen do, I'm sure the bride can understand that you won't be able to come to either, but is there something else you can do together instead? Go to a spa for a couple of hours, or get a mobile beautician to come out to you for an evening? That's what I organised for my SIL when she got married, as I was pregnant and couldn't come on her hen do. The beautician came and gave us both facials and manicures, we had some non-alcoholic cocktails and nibbles, it was lovely!

MorticiaAddams · 07/02/2011 12:21

I think that I would withdraw if I were you.

You would need to do it face to face with your friend and appreciate how good you feel that none of this matters to her but if you explain how bad it will make you feel then she should understand.

Be firm about what you can and cannot do with regard to the hen nights and stick to it. 2 weeks in a villa is a ridiculous time to expect you to leave a baby and if you can't do the other date then you can't. How about you take your friend out for a nice meal or spa day, just the two of you.

I missed a hen night once as I wouldn't have known anyone but the bride and took my friend to a spa for the evening. It was a couple of weeks before the actual wedding and she said it did her the world of good for destressing.

MommyMayhem · 07/02/2011 12:27

YANBU. They are being a trifle inconsiderate on both counts. It is not possible for you to go to the Hen Nights as you have a son. About the dress... there is no way that I would want to be a bridesmaid if I were big and all the other bridesmaids were skinny. No way. And wearing a different style of dress will just make you stand out more. You need to explain to the bride how miserable you would feel and that you really don't want to do it. If she cares, she will understand.

anythingwithagiraffeonit · 08/02/2011 10:23

YANBU... They should understand.

BaadRobot · 08/02/2011 10:36

YANBU at all. Talk to the bride face to face and tell her how you really feel. I don't personally think wearing a different dress will make you stand out more, I think you'd all look lovely. But if you're not comfortable with it, then you're not, it's as simple as that.

I really wanted my older sister to be my maid of honour but she wasn't into the idea at all as she felt she was too old (she was 39, skinny, and beautiful to boot). I didn't make a fuss even though I was disappointed, and didn't try to change her mind as I respected her feelings. So I had my best friend and my daughter - both in different dresses - and they looked great!

I'm sure your friend will understand.

finnsmummy80 · 08/02/2011 10:43

I think I'm going to send her an email today...

I'm scared!! X

OP posts:

BaadRobot · 08/02/2011 10:45

Aww don't be scared! Just tell her what you told us, if she's a reasonable person she'll understand. Good luck!

kittybuttoon · 08/02/2011 12:47

I'd bet any money that your fellow bridesmaids don't necessarily feel fantastic about their body shapes, either.

Being skinny is not necessarily the key to learning to live in your own skin.

Maybe they are yearning for some assets like yours, to fill up their bustiers?

Some of them will hate their boney shoulders, or chicken pins. Honest, they will.

If you went out shopping with them, it might be a revelation to you.

I recommend watching a bit of Gok Wan, myself!

Pixieonthemoor · 08/02/2011 14:36

I would have a face to face chat with the bride re: the dress - I am sure some compromise can be reached with a different design in the same colour or something. Def duck out of both hen nights. How about getting a beautician to your house and you and the bride can have pedis whilst drinking champagne and gossiping (added bonus if it is at your house then you have your baby near). They are totally BU about expecting you to go away for 2 wks but dont be too hard on them. When I didnt have children, I had absolutely no idea that I would rather slit my own throat than leave them. If they do not have children, they cannot understand the desperate pull of the new mother to be with her child.

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