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AIBU?

Am I Being Unreasonable?

30 replies

Andre1960 · 10/01/2011 22:18

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that when someone asks whether they are being unreasonable or not, they probably already know that they are, but as they are inclined to act that way anyway they want someone else to say it's okay? Am I being unreasonable in suggesting that if this is not the case, the person asking the question is being a bit lame, and that seeking an answer from someone else is likely to end in disaster for them.

If I want to know whether I'm being unreasonable I try to understand the situation I'm in, what's at stake, what the risks are, what my motives are, what my views are, what other affected people's views are, the effect on me, the effect on others, etc., etc.

After doing these things I think I pretty-much know for sure whether a given course of action would be unreasonable or not. I'm not infallible, but I know I need to put in the work to figure these questions out for myself because I know that I'm accountable for how I act and I want to have recourse to a better justification than 'someone on Mumsnet said it was okay'. I would seriously love to be in a situation where I had badly f*cked-up and I gave this as the excuse to someone who had been badly affected by my mistake. To be able to see the possible range of feelings they might express would be a priceless thing to witness.

I'm writing this post because I've come across the acronym YANBU a few times in posts on this site. I didn't know what it meant, and so used several acronym reference sites to try to find out. I drew a blank. I may not have looked in the right places, but I could only find out what it stood for by looking on: Yes, you guessed it - Mumsnet! I think the need to invent this acronym for this site is wonderfully indicative of the typical nature and level of discussion to be found here!

Of course, not all questions and discussions are purile, naive and absurd - there is a lot of interesting, intelligent and informative commentary. Furthermore, some people when they ask 'Am I being unreasonable' are clearly asking for information or about other people's experiences in order to help them determine for themselves whether they are being unreasonable or not. I don't want to seem to be splitting hairs, but there is a world of different between asking these kinds of questions and 'Am I being unreasonable?'.

For myself, I would always baulk at answering the question 'Am I being unreasonable?' I would know very well that I had almost no chance of being able to correctly determine whether the person asking it was or not. I would certainly never be so presumptuous as to answer such a question directly, nor would I want to take responsibility for doing so, or risk giving the impression by answering it that such a question was anything other than an unreasonable one to ask (although I would always try to do this gently and obliquely and expect the person to figure out from my reluctance what I was telling them).

Maybe I have too many scruples and should just give my opinion and screw the consequences for the person who might act on what I say. After all, we are only talking about their consequences and the consequences for those they are involved with, not mine, so there is no cost to me. However, I think I cannot do that so I don't think I will ever have the need for the acronym YANBU.

Please tell me whether I'm right or wrong in what I say. I already know I'm being reasonable, lol.

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sharbie · 10/01/2011 22:19

pardon?