in thinking that my mum is being mean?

[maighdlin]

background, my mum has never really got on with my aunt her sil. they are pleasent enough but for years my mum has said things about her that i think are unfair. she is very close to her sister and was always very generous with her, but moaned about the amount of money my dad spent on his sister when it was his money. my aunt never married has no children and always spent xmas with us etc. and we are very very close to her.

anyway its her 70th birthday on friday and we have organised a surprise party for her in my dads snooker club, its not the ritz but we are doing our best, and my aunt loves a party. (still drinks like she's 18 when she gets out ). im having a bit of diffs with the student finance people and phoned my mum for a moan, i said to her about the party this week and money and she went off on one saying how its ridiculous that we are having a party for her and how its incredibly selfish of my aunt. Like my aunt intentionally was born just after xmas. Apparently my aunt should have said at christmas that she didn't want a party or presents, umm its a surprise party she doesn't know about it hence the "surprise" part. My aunt is not expecting a party. She would be happy with just going to the pub, but she is 70 and is suffering from skin cancer and has been in and out of hospital the past few years so we wanted to give her a good night.

AIBU or is my mum? Yes i know that times are tough and it probably isn't the best timing for us to spend a lot of money, but putting the blame on my aunt for US giving her a SURPRISE party? God forbid we all give an old woman a nice time for her 70th birthday?

[TwinklePants]

She is defo being a bit U but that's family politics for you.

[Caboodle]

YANBU, sounds, in fact, like you are being really caring to your aunt, despite money worries. Obviously issues here; ignore your Mum as best you can and get sloshed with your aunt on the day.

[Katey1010]

YANBU.It's her 70th. Particularly if she isn't well. You won't remember the money situation in 20 years but you will remember her face when she is surprised.

[iloveyankees]

I think it will be a lovely surprise for your aunt me thinks your mum has a case of the green eyed monster I say as long as you can afford it, go for it!

[hellymelly]

YADNBU.Why is your Mum being mean? Could you point out that if it was her own sister then she would want you all to make an effort? is she a bit jealous of her sil?

[maighdlin]

i have no idea when she started disliking my aunt. the thing is she would say "oh you would never do that for her sister" but her sister has two grown children to do those kind of things.

[curlymama]

Your Mum is jealous of your Aunt. Understandably, she wants to be the female relative of that generation that is put first by her husband and children.

YANBU, but I think you should try and understand your Mum's feelings.

[classydiva]

Your Ma sounds jealous of the attention your aunt gets.

[Bogeyface]

Has your dad always been close to his sister?

Sounds like this goes waaaaaay back and your mum didnt like him being so close to her, and has never let that resentment go.

I would ignore her silliness tbh, its like children complaining of favouritism. You point out the facts, that there is no favouritism and leave it at that!

[Doigthebountyeater]

You sound like a lovely niece. Hope I have one like you when I'm 70!

[borderslass]

My mother's[76] like this with her only sister[80] makes out she likes her but is always having a go about her my uncle died 13 months ago and she never liked him either.They never had children but loved all their nieces and nephews like their own DB and I where stopped from staying with them when little because of the way they treated us[to nice] we never had a great home life. I love my aunt to bits and sod my mother I still have huge issues with my mother but she thinks different I keep my opinions to myself.

[BuzzLightBeer]

Sounds like she has reason the be jealous. You say your dad spent money on his sister that your mother didn't like but it was his money? Can you imagine a poster saying that on here "my dh spends money on his sister when I don't want him to, but he says its none of my business cos its all his money, and my kids are on his side. Oh and she spends xmas with us every year and no-one veer asked me if I'm happy about that"...

You'd rip him to shreds.

[melpomene]

Not sure if I agree with BuzzLightBeer. OP doesn't actually mention if her mum has complained about the aunt spending christmas. Also, it's not clear what is meant by 'spending xmas' - just the day, or staying for several nights? But in general, if your partner wants to invite a close relative who would otherwise be spending christmas alone (implied here because the aunt is single and childless) then IMO it would be pretty mean to object to this, unless the relative has behaved badly or been nasty.

OP does mention that the mum is happy to spend money on her own sister, so if the dad is spending a similar or equivalent amount on the aunt then the mum isn't well-placed to object. It may be a different matter if the dad was spending so much on the aunt that it was affecting the family finances, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.