to not want to take ds to a memorial?

[oranges]

A few years ago my MIL lost a beloved brother. I didnt know really know him but through an odd set of circumstances, ds, who was 2 at the time, and I were with her when he collapsed and died and ds saw everything, from the fall, to the failed attempts at rescucitation, to her grief. No one else was there straight away. At the time, we of course made a huge effort, went to the hospital with her, attended the funeral, dealt with stuff.

BUT, it had a horible impact on ds and I. I miscarried, partly by the stress of it all I think, and ds was withdrawn and quiet for a long time.
Now each year she has a memorial. I am happy to go, but I do think ds should not, as he is still far too young to cope with it all. She always would love him to come, as he was part of that awful day, but I feel protective of him more. So, AIBU or not? honestly?

[Rhinestone]

YANBU - completely inappropriate for her to put any pressure on your DS to go. Stand firm.

[taintedsnow]

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but just to be sure, how old is DS now? And what does this memorial consist of? And finally, how much pressure is MIL putting on you to bring DS and what would be his role in this memorial?

[oranges]

well he's 4 now, the memorial are a service and dinner. DS would just have to attend really. He really was quite fragile after the incident and I worry this will just make him sad again.

MIL is lovely, so I don't want to be unreasonable. I do have a total irrational fury that her brother had to go and die in front of my pfb like that. And that DH missed all of it by being at work, so its me who has the full emotional impact of it.

The problem is that its just before Christmas, and very selfishly, I fear that it will just taint every Xmas from now till forever.

[taintedsnow]

If I were you, I would try to find middle ground on this. YANBU, and I can completely understand where you're coming from, but would a compromise be possible? I'm thinking that perhaps you attend the dinner but not the service?

I don't think you'd be unreasonable to not take him to any of it, and he has to be your priority over MIL for certain, but I'm thinking in terms of keeping everyone happy.

[chitchatinsantasear]

Well I wouldn't take DS, and TBH I would gradually work my way out of them too.

[oranges]

its also on a school nu=ight so if we go to the dinner ds will be grumpy the next day. but i accept im just being grouchy about that point.Bottom line is I dont want to go and I dont want ds to go because, it sounds horrible, but its not my grief.

[taintedsnow]

Hmmm, that's slightly different. Could the two of you spend time with your MIL at the weekend? Say to her that you don't think it's suitable to take your DS to the memorial (blame school if you have to) but that you'd like to spend a nice day out with her instead? Would be nice for all of you I imagine, and may nip in the bud any bad feeling from MIL that you won't be going to the memorial.

I definitely don't think you need to pull yourself away from MIL (quite odd suggestion tbh), I just think you need to balance everyone's feelings as best you can. There's nothing wrong with MIL having a memorial if that's what she wants/needs, but you need to manage the way she feels against the way you feel, without thinking anyone is in the wrong.