to never let MIL babysit?

[sparkleandfade]

Thats right its a MIL thread! Apologies! Oh and have name changed as I'm pretty sure my mnetter friend will recognise this and I don't want her snooping through my past threads!

Will try to give as much info as needed to create a good picture of circumstances. MIL met her partner about 11 years ago on the internet shortly after suffering a nervous breakdown. Both of them are alcoholics, although claim not to be anymore as they have "cut right back" Their house is very dirty and smells as they do not clean up after their dogs properly.

Now to her credit, she is never drunk when she comes to visit or we visit her (in the day) and has recently started working part time again so is a lot more stable than she was. DH occasionally suggests MIL as a babysitter for our eldest DD (3 years) and was saying yesterday that we should get a travel cot so she could have youngest in the future(currently 3 months).

My main concerns about overnight babysitting are the drinking. I don't think she would be able to resist drinking for an entire evening and obviously wouldn't be in a fit state to look after the children.

My other main concern is actually her partner. He is a very strange man and none of us (or DH's family) knows much about him, even after so long. However, I do know that he has exhibited strange behaviours in the past. Once when DH brought home a girlfriend his mums partner passed her on the stairs and reached out and grabbed both her breasts. He has also been known to try and convince me to join him in the pub instead of waiting for my DH to get back from the shop whilst at their house. He also talks to young women over the internet. According to MIL he pretends to be in his 20's himself so that he can chat to young women and I don't think its innocent chat.

I do not want this man, possibly drunk, unsupervised around my young DD's. I have no idea if he would be a threat to them but quite frankly I am not willing to take the risk. DH doesn't trust or like this man either but says he wouldn't be looking after them, MIL would. But MIL trusts this man so she wouldn't think to supervise him all the time and what about when she is asleep? DH thinks I'm using this as an excuse because I haven't always got on with MIL and is also very sensitive about his mothers alcoholism and refuses to admit she is an alcoholic. In all fairness this issue crops up from time to time and yet I have avoided it successfully for the last 3 years without having to create a massive family row and could probably keep it up

I don't think I'm being unreasonable at all but DH seems to think I am. So, AIBU and if not how on earth do I get it through to DH?

[StealthPomBear]

no YANBU!!

[Miggsie]

As someone whose mother kept me away from Uncle "X" consistently over years because "she didn't think he was quite right" and whom, after his death, I discover was a murderer and a rapist and wife beater I can say definately YANBU and I am eternally grateful to my mother who resisted a lot of family pressure and spent a lot of time lying on my behalf saying I was doing school stuff so couldn't visit the said uncle.

I was unable to thank my mother as she had died by then but looking back I realise what a fab thing she did and how right she was.

[Miggsie]

On the other point of how to get it across to your DH I know my mum was very very stubborn and kept telling my dad that she didn't like my uncle, didn't trust him, thought there was something "odd". She also used to bait him very slightly so he would come out with stuff that even my dad realised was definately "iffy".

Also, do not take MIL's word, the wife of an abuser is not a reliable source of information. My aunt even had an abortion on the quiet so as not to have anohter child for him to abuse and beat. Why did she not divorce him? I just don't know, even after the shit had died she paid a fortune to get his ashes shipped to his native town abroad somewhere. Really she should have flushed those ashes down the toilet.

Sorry, bit of a rant about my shit uncle there. Anyway, you need to be firm and consistent with your DH and tell him you feel the man presents a possible danger to the children, and no amount of filial guilt and hope can change that. Hopefully if you are as stubborn as my mum your DH will give it up as a lost cause.

[olderyetwider]

Stick to your guns, you know YANBU!

[ClearAndPresent]

Oh Miggsie, how awful.

Your mum was a true heroine. Your poor aunt.

OP, YANBU. You KNOW, instinctively.

[ShadeofViolet]

YANBU at all!

[Jux]

YANBU. Be stubborn.

[sparkleandfade]

Thanks everyone! Sorry Miggsie

Obviously I won't be backing down on this but I just wish DH would wake up! He just thinks his mother would never let anything happen to the girls but as above, she wouldn't always be there and she trusts him. DH's judgement is being clouded because he feels sorry for his mum not being able to have that time with the DD's like my mum gets.

Unfortunately I think it just means we'll have to argue when it does come up.

[lucy101]

YANBU - you have to protect your daughters above all else. You would never forgive yourself, or your DH, if anything happened to them in MIL's care. It is a shame that your DH doesn't see the situation in the same way... but that is often the case when they have grown up and 'normalised' to some degree what is not acceptable. Stick to your guns!

[ClearAndPresent]

OP, the fact you even have to have an argument about it shows something is wrong. Your DH is admitting there is something wrong by saying 'but mum would not let anything happen to...' it is saying that there is a cause for concern. Can he not see that?

Stand your ground, for sure.

When I was 12,my uncle felt me up in front of my family. He grabbed my ass and my breasts and said 'you are getting some curves'. I told him to get his hands off me. My mother took me aside, slapped me hard across the face and said that she did not care what anyone did to me, I was NEVER to be rude.

I have never forgiven her for that. She admits now that she was under the thumb of her hideous sister and her husband, but I still cannot get over a mother allowing that to happen.

[CrazyPlateLady]

YANBU. Always go with your instincts and I wouldn't trust your MIL with young children. Your DH will have to accapt that his mother is not capable of looking after young children and that your concerns about her partner take priority over him refusing to face up to his mothers drinking problem.

[Vallhala]

YANBU. Stand your ground.

[alicet]

Agree with everyone you are def NBU.

One possible compromise if your main concerns are your mils partner are that she comes to yours and stays with the girls (if you could trust that she wouldn't go behind your back and invite her partner) while you go away for the night. Not saying you should do this if you are uncomfortable as the safety of your dds trumps any amount of hurt feelings but it could be an option if she is getting her act together.

good luck getting your dh to understand where you are coming from

[TattyDevine]

YANBU.

As a general rule, I wouldn't completely rule out alcohol consumption when having children overnight. But I'm not talking about rip-roaring drunk, and its hard to know how much your MIL consumes. It also depends on the age of the child and how likely they are to wake up and need attending to.

But this is completely different. There is a "bad gut feeling" man involved, that alone makes you NU and add to that MIL's judgement being impaired by alcohol, or even her sleeping a little deeper because of it, and you have every right to worry about it.

YANBU

[atah]

There should be no doubt in your mind YANBU and you should be firm about this.

My DH had a unhappy childhood, both parents were cruel, verbally and mildly physically abusive. They were going through a nasty divorce and the children suffered. They are now happily remarried and living seperately and are very respectable people but my instincts tell me never to leave my kid alone with them and in 10 years I have been in desperate need of childcare at times but have not asked them.

You have to trust your instincts which are telling you the right thing NEVER leave your kids with anyone you don't trust implicitly.

[Miggsie]

Alas, yes, the wife of an abuser generally is not a good defender of anyone else as they will be concerned with their own survival not anyone else's.

Instances of children being abused by a violent man while the wife pretends it isn't happening are unfortunately not as rare as we'd like to think.

Yes, do stand your ground!

[curlymama]

Of course, YANBU.

You need to say to your husband that the bottom line is that you are not comfortable leaving your children in their care, and so you won't be doing it. What's the point if you won't be able to enjoy yourself. Let him know that you are happy to spend time with MIL so she gets contact with her dc's, and he gets it spelled out to him that you are making an effort.

Explain it the way you did on your OP, about Mil trusting him. You have a very good point.

You may well end up arguing when it comes up, so the best way to deal with it is to come across as nice as possible, without saying anything that could remotely come across as a critisism of MIL. That never goes down well in our house.

[ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers]

YANBU

Tell your DH he needs to put the safety of his DC first.

[Ineedsomesleep]

YANBU. Trust your instincts and don't let your DDs go. I'd prefer to stay in myself. If you DH is desperate to get a night out with you isn't there someone else who can babysit.

Don't agree with the suggestions of letting MIL come to your house alone while you are out. If she is turning a blind eye to his breast fondling, comments to you, internet activites can she really be trusted not to let him in?

[Pompoko]

Could you try and find out if he has a past by using Sarahs law?
This isnt fail safe, but could help

[Ineedsomesleep]

Pompoko, just wanted to say that this thread and in particular you post has spurred me on to ring the police about my neighbour. Don't know how far I'll get but will bring up Sarah's Law if needed.

There has been rumours for a while and I've seen some odd behaviour, also, he keeps giving our DS (6) presents

Someone is calling me back tomorrow. Will have to wait and see how far we get.

Sorry for the thread hijack OP.

[sparkleandfade]

I hadn't even thought of Sarah's Law, do you just contact your local police?

Don't worry about the hijack, it seems lots of people know someone like this who concerns them and it is hard to judge how far to take it.

[beijingaling]

OP YANBU!! Probably a fight with OH coming up regarding this but stick to your guns. Is a fight with OH worse than, god forbid, anything happening to DCs??

Ineedsomesleep Im sure you've already told DS not to accept and to stay the hell away. This reminds me of a quote from Shit my Dad Says...

"Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don't know them, run away. No is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else."

[taintedpaint]

Oh gosh, YADNBU. I have a creepy-ish neighbour and I get the same feeling from him that at lot of you seem to be getting from various people. I can't put my finger on what that feeling is, but it's just not right. He has spoken to me an awful lot more since my DNephew moved in with me and that's just the beginning. I pull the LO very close to me whenever this neighbour is close by. Sometimes I think I'm being paranoid, but I can't shake the feeling that something's not right.

I would never leave my DN with carers like your MIL and her partner and YANBU to feel the way you do. Stick to your guns and do not back down on this one. Your DH is not the best judge here, he is clouded by his love for his mother and his denial that she is an alcoholic shows in clear terms that, unfortunately, he is not objective enough to be the one to protect your DDs. You need to be firm.

Good luck.

[jessiealbright]

You're most definitely not being unreasonable, for all the reasons you already gave.