AIBU to wish my mother was a 'better' grandparent?

[mimps]

I know I can't change her, and she's been like this for as long as I can remember (and I'm really old ) but I still wish my mother was more 'caring'.

She has never offered to baby sit for my 3yr old daughter. We have asked her - twice - but she couldn't make one of those times so we had to cancel our plans at short notice(DH's birthday)
She buys 'keepsake' gifts for her, that she can't play with

She mis-heard me on the phone one time and thought we'd taken the LO to hospital, I only found out a week later she thought this, when my dad asked how she was......no call inbetween.

I have tried to tackle this with her before and she says things like 'motherhood isn't meant to be easy' or 'welcome to motherhood'

And I still wish.....

[FreudianSlimmery]

That's very sad for you but I don't think you can change that sort of behaviour. You should just be happy that you have still managed to grow up to be a caring mum yourself.

On a practical note though can you ask for vouchers instead of presents?

[bigchris]

Some people just aren't that bothered

[scottishmummy]

well pragmatically at least you know not to rely upon her

you cannot change the woman she is,or the granny she wants to be

you can however be the mum you want to be and get on with it

[DirtyMartini]

YANBU to wish it occasionally but YABU to let it fester and upset you when it is beyond your control. It sounds like it just doesn't come naturally to her. Some people are like that.

It is sad, but you sort of have to make a decision not to let it get to you, and to rise above it; it will save you a lot of upset over the years if you can do this.

You never know, she might get a lot better at being a GP when your DD is an older child. She maybe just doesn't relate to very little kids well.

[Ragwort]

Not everyone is 'obsessed' about being a grandparent - personally I think 'keepsake' gifts are lovely rather than endless plastic tat.

Look at all the threads about interfering mothers and MILs - perhaps it's not so bad if she is not over involved .

Do you ask your dad to babysit?

[FreudianSlimmery]

That's true, she may grow into it - while my dad has always been affectionate, he was by no means a natural grandad, and it was only when DD started really talking that he has been able to better relate to her and play with her more. And he's spent much more time with my 2nd so is finding it more fun this time.

[gelflingirl]

I feel for you OP and know exactly how you feel, my mum is a shite gp too and although she goes and visits my sister and her DCs (who live in the next estate) she never bothers to come to us!! I told her in the end to stay out of my DCs life and mine, she never got even a card for any of my DCs for birthdays or xmas, just a once a week courtesy call to see how everyone was (which she never really cared about the answer either cos she used to cut me off while talking!) My kids no longer feel hurt or expect her to want to come round any more and although i still feel for them im glad i did this!! Cant stand her tbh and dont understand how she could be like this. I cant wait to one day be a gp!

[mimps]

Thanks all (so far )

I try not to dwell on it, and 'get on with it' but it still hurts sometimes, especially when I realise it's NOT personal ie she's the same with my 3 sisters and their families, whatever the age the children are.

[spiritedaway]

My mum does help out but nowhere near as much as some...we don't live close, and she always makes a meal of it. She does practical things to help but doesn't realy interact with the kids or help dress them or do bath or bedtimes, which i wish she would when she visits. The point I am coming to is I think you should just lower your expectations and live with it. I think it's the only way. Another thing is to keep asking in advance and sometime it would be great if she could take care of your children while you were away overnight. My mum has done this twice, in 10 years! I find if she's in at the deep end with me not there it helps them bond. Best of luck.

[FluffyDonkey]

If it helps at all, my grandmother was similar, except we never even got any presents and I can barely remember ever visiting her (she never came to us) and yet it has never bothered me. I know it bothered my mum more that we had no close family (plenty of aunts, uncles and cousins but no one close) but I love and have always loved that fact that our family unit of 4 was incredibly close and at Christmas we didn't have to treck around to various relatives, but just stay in as the four of us and play games all day.

It was only when I was a teenager and met my friend's wonderful gran that I started to realise that grandparents can be more than just frosty old people. But still, it hasn't mattered to me. My parents and sibling are all the family I need.

[FlopsyTops]

I wish my parents were better grandparents too. It makes me sad that SmallTops just wants to see them happy around her but they seem very offhand towards her. My dad is very bad and although he sings SmallTops praises to others he is really mean to her and puts her down. Mum is better and will play with her etc so I think thats the saving grace. She hates it but still wants to be near them and spend time with them, but not without me there anymore. They live 90 miles from us and in the past when I have asked them to babysit I have to pay them or they will want to stay the whole weekend, making sure I cook large meals or buy take aways and to be honest I see that as a bit of a piss take. So they only sit if I make it worth their while. I don't ask anymore! They aren't like it with their other grandchildren but they are all older and are likely to call him on his behaviour. SmallTops has told him that he makes her sad, his response - then behave like other children. For fucks sake, she is well behaved, not fussy, is self sufficient to a point, she is fun, funny and a lovely girl to be around so I just don't get it.
Oh, hang on I think I do. I am their only child who is in a stable family situation with a decent income etc. The others are more needy and therefore more deserving.

Rant over. As you were.

[WhyIsThatThen]

Wow, does everyone have perfect grandparents?
[falls of the chair]

[Mishy1234]

My father is a crap GP too. He didn't come to see DS1 until he was well over 2 months and didn't see DS2 until he was over 4 months! When he did come he refused to hold them, saying he had a cold and didn't want to pass it on. He wasn't a particularly great Dad either (not nasty or anything, just not particularly interested).

Luckily my PIL are great as is my Mum, so we have support from them.

I'm sorry your Mum isn't a great GP OP. Unfortunately, that's just how some people are.

[Brollyflower]

YANBU to wish for it and I really feel for you too. Mine can be a bit like some described on this thread and it just feels like being let down by your parents somehow . I totally recognise what someone said about them visiting relatives nearby and not coming to visit. The kids don't understand and neither do I . Ours are like a tap. Either far too full on, or totally absent with no contact for weeks on end. I'd really love somewhere in the middle and something more predictable. And the broken promises are the worst. They offer to help, but then act all resentful if we say yes, or offer something and then it's never mentioned again, or retracted. Honestly, sometimes it's like revisiting childhood...

No doubt lots here will say be grateful for anything or accept this is how they are and get on with it. Feelings aren't that easy though.

You can't choose your parents. Like others, I am trying to remember all this so so I can be a better GP.

[otchayaniye]

My mother has blown us out on Christmas Day - as I was putting the bird in.

She cancelled coming to mine for dinner because she'd promised to go to a neighbour's baby's first birthday.

She turned down an invitation for a free long-weekend holiday in France (and no, we weren't wanting her to babysit) for both our birthdays (my daughter was born on my birthday) and she turned that down, saying she wanted to finish decorating this person's house in time for Christmas as her family was coming.

When I flew her out to Singapore when my daughter was born she never really helped, hinted that my daughter's crying disturbed her and wouldn't eat many meals with us.

I am not allowed to visit her (we both live in London) as her house is 'too messy'

I recently let rip in a phone conversation (bottled up for too long) and she hung up on me and we haven't spoken since.

It makes me so sad. I made allowances (my father committed suicide) but I came to the end of my rope. I can't make her interested, can I.

It just feels like I was rejected by my father, because he killed himself, and now by my mother. I am an only child.

But my MIL, who I didn't used to get on with, is a wonderful relationship and thinks I can do no wrong , so I focus on that.

You have my sympathy. It feels like rejection. Horrible.

[otchayaniye]

is a wonderful 'grandmother', I meant.