to not want my ex to take eldest son to university

[spanieleyes]

Bit of background!

Ex walked out 13 years ago when children were 5 and 3. He has lived abroad ever since and sees them once or twice a year-although to be fair, he e-mails or phones every couple of weeks. He is in the country at the moment, visiting his parents. Eldest son is off to university on Sunday and we had planned the whole "him and me " day taking him. His university is 4 hours drive away and as this is his first term/year he's taking rather a lot with him! Ex has turned up today and said that he wants to take DS to uni, I want to take him myself and felt unaccountably annoyed with the suggestion so rather brusquely said No, it feels like my job! He is very miffed to put it mildly and I've started feeling guilty. Ex only sees him once or twice a year so not unexpectedly wants to spend time with him, I want to see DS off in our own way ( and I really couldn't spend 8 hours in the car there and back with ex so we could both take him!) but wonder whether I really am being unreasonable!

[Lexipope]

Hi,
Personally i dont think your being un reasonable at all!!!
Your ex could meet you at the Uni and then help settle him in but as for the trip up there no I think that should be you and him!

Its the least you deserve after raising him by yourself!
These blokes annoy me that are part time dad's but then think they have a RIGHT to be involved in important things!
x

[VinegarTits]

yanbu

[Evenstar]

What would your DS prefer? After slogging to the other end of the country with my DS and a car load of stuff last weekend, I would have let almost anyone take my DS1, so don't feel that you would be missing out on a really lovely day if he went with his dad. I can understand you feeling that you should take him as you are the one who has been there for him all along. I hope that DS has a wonderful time and you are happy with whatever you decide.

[Anenome]

What does your son want? That's all that matters. YANBU but it should be up to DS.

[spanieleyes]

DS wants to go with me ( or at least says he does!) but doesn't want to upset his dad either ( and dad has just bought him a nice shiny new laptop to take with him ) so is leaving it all to me!

[woopsidaisy]

I really feel that your ex has no right to "butt in" on such a big day.You have reared these children not him."...he emails or phones every couple of weeks...".Wow,what an involved parent! So he lives abroad-it had better be Australia...What has your son said? I'm sure he doesn't want to be put in a position where he feels he has to "choose" who to go with. Not sure what the solution is,but your ex sounds like a selfish knob. But I guess you already knew that !

[woopsidaisy]

I really feel that your ex has no right to "butt in" on such a big day.You have reared these children not him."...he emails or phones every couple of weeks...".Wow,what an involved parent! So he lives abroad-it had better be Australia...What has your son said? I'm sure he doesn't want to be put in a position where he feels he has to "choose" who to go with. Not sure what the solution is,but your ex sounds like a selfish knob. But I guess you already knew that !

[CrispyTheCrisp]

yanbu. i remember my first day at Uni - my dad made me a 'red cross parcel' himself (he is not the most demonstrative kind) and he cried and . I don't think you (as the mainly present parent) should miss out on such a memorable occassion.

Stand your ground and tell Ex he can go up in the first week and take him out for dinner or something. If it is that important to him, he will delay his trip home.

[thereisalightanditnevergoesout]

YANBU - you've brought him up on your own for the last 13 years. You get to do this bit how you want. Your son is now an adult and will be able to see his father whenever he wants and that's probably how it should be, but you get to do this bit.

Too bad if your ex is miffed. He'll get over it.

[spanieleyes]

I did say ex could stay at home with youngest son but he wasn't too keen! ( Youngest DS is very "take it or leave it" ( he has Aspergers and is very undemonstrative towards everyone, even me, let alone someone he only sees twice a year!) and ex finds him very hard to deal with!

[TheCrackFox]

YANBU. Why does you ex think he can cherry pick the best moments? Your DS wants you to take him so that is what should happen.

[Anenome]

If your son says he wants you then he is probably telling the truth...tell his Dad he could visit the next day and bring a big bag of groceries with him

[DaisyDaresYOU]

Yanbu.funny how these men wait until all the hard work is over to show an interest

[snowmummy]

YANBU at all. Why should he get to take him? You've done all the hard work and I can totally understand why you want to go.

[brimfull]

do you know I read the title of the thread wrong and thought you wanted your ex to take him..my first thought was how mad!
yanbu.
you take him

I am dreading taking dd next yr cos I will be in bits but I wouldn't miss it for the world

[RunawayWife]

Your EX did none of the "dirty work" so why the hell should he get the good bits, tall him to piss off

[atswimtwolengths]

Well, I've been in this position and I'm going to go against what most people say.

I think you should agree to meet your ex husband somewhere a few miles from the university and both of you should take him.

If you weren't divorced, your child would be taken to university by both of you. It's a huge step in his life and, like it or not, it's not your moment. You may have done everything for your child (as I have for mine) but you've done it out of love. Your child was born to two parents and both should be there at the important stages in his life.

The fact your ex is a complete arse about contact doesn't actually have anything to do with it. You need to think of your son, on his way to a new stage in his life, with both parents by his side.

Yes, I agree your ex shouldn't be the only one to go with your son. I agree you shouldn't have to put up with your ex for the journey. But that trip into halls, that should be done together.