To think that no-one should tell one of their children that they love them more than the other?

[forfaxsake]

I am blazing .
DH's ex has told him that he should tell their DD that he loves her more than our newborn son.
She is having difficulty adjusting, understandably, but surely this is just insane?
We have done a lot to include DSD in everything re the baby, bought her a book on being a sister etc, but she is still a bit upset - her mother thinks this is the answer.
DH has said that he will not do that and she is kicking up a right stink.

[MrsRhettButler]

of course yanbu!

thank god your dh agrees with you

i wouldn't worry about it thougfh, hes obviously not going to say it so just put it out of your head

congrats on the baby :)

[MrsRhettButler]

fwiw i would be blazing too

[chitchat09]

YANBU. That's just daft!!! Of course he shouldn't say that.

Don't know, maybe he could say 'I loved you first'? It's true and will make her feel special.

[MogTheForgetfulCat]

I think that is shocking - would have been livid if DH's ex had ever suggested DH did this to their DD when our DC were born. Am v glad your DH is refusing. She can't possibly think that this really is the answer - just seeking for a short cut to make her DD feel better. Understandable, but misguided, and puts your DH in an invidious position .

[gingerkirsty]

chitchat you are very clever. :( that this woman even suggested such a thing.

[Capelli]

YANBU.

I would be fuming. What a very stupid thing for her to have said. She is hardly going to help her DD adjust to having a new sibling is she?

[MogTheForgetfulCat]

YANBU, btw

[ColdComfortFarm]

don't let it worry you. His ex is sad and upset to be dealing with an unhappy and anxious daughter. I think he should tell her stuff like, 'you are my precious firstborn' and 'you are the most beautiful, wonderful girl in the whole world, my number one girl' to make her feel special right now. If he carries on being loving, and making one to one time with her, the panic she feels now will subside, and so will his ex's panic. Remember, she's a mum, like you, and her daughter is her baby, and she can see a hurt and wounded child and just wants to make it OK. HOw old is your stepdaughter?

[mmmperuna]

YANBU what an unpleasant woman your DHs ex is

[forfaxsake]

She's 8.
Thanks for the replies, I am really upset about this - it is not the first time she has upset me - I have had a lot of verbal abuse throughout my pregnancy. I just want to be able to concentrate on my baby and not have to deal with this sort of upsetting nonsense .

[FlyingInTheCLouds]

totally ignore her. She wants a rise. She is jealous. All that matters is that you dsd knows that her dad (and you) love her and that she will be even more special`because ehe will have a little sister or brother that will love her too.

My DSS was 8 when DS1 was born and he (DSS) is hero worshipped by his younger siblings. Especially as he comes and goes.

We told DSS that the impending baby would be the luckiest in the world asthey would have dss as a big brother.

When he was born we totally over played the 'oh he's looking at you, he adores you,' when talking to about him in earshot always told everyone what a fab brother he was etc. And let him know it was normal to be a bit jealous (recounting my sibling stories).

his mum has njow come round and adores all of our children as they do her (it took some work on all sides)

emjpy your preg, remmenber your baby and your dsd are all equal;ly important, with different needs the same as any siblings.

[tallwivglasses]

Yeah, forfaxsake, you don't need it.

You've had some good advice here.

I was once told that love doesn't divide - it multiplies. There's ALWAYS enough love for everyone. My dd understood that when her half-brother was born.

Take time out to enjoy your pregnancy!

[Mowiol]

FlyingInTheClouds has just submitted a fantastic post.
That is absolutely the way this should be approached.

[forfaxsake]

Thanks I will speak to DH about your advice and see if we can go along those lines .

[proudnglad]

Love the 'love doesn't divide, it multplies'. That's great advice.
btw I don't think it's helpful to demonise the ex on here,

[cory]

Imo telling her that she is loved more than a sibling would be really unsettling and undermining for her too. If her dad was really capable of loving like that, what's the guarantee that he won't one day come to love little brother more than her? Very bad to tell a child, particularly at a time when they're likely to feel unsettled anyway.

[FlyingInTheCLouds]

how did it go forfax?

[Giddyup]

I am expecting my first child with DP, DS keeps asking who we will love more and whether we will still love him as much.

We have told him that we will him and the the new baby exactly the same amount, but that he will almost certainly be the most fun for a good while!

DP is taking DS to a theatre show when the baby is a couple of weeks old and at the first opportunity I will take DS out for lunch or to the cinema without the baby, while DP has some baby time.

[sleepingsowell]

coldcomfortfarm what a lovely balanced humane post.

I think the most important thing to remember is that his little girl is having to accept a situation where her dad has moved away from her and now spends every day with another little child instead.

This is how it is to her and of course the ex is dealing with that on a day to day basis and it's bound to be bloody hard. Yes she's got this wrong about the loving 'more' thing but it's a bit new and desperate right now and as cold said, she's just trying to protect her own 'baby'.

I think I would ask your DH to reply to the 'spirit' of what she's saying rather than the words; to reassure her that he understands how difficult a time this is for her DD and therefore for her as dd's mum, and that he's doing all he can to reassure DD of his love for her.

[mumbar]

YANBU - think the usual thing is say is something along the lines of 'I love you, I understand mum and dad not living together is hard but I love you as much as I did when I lived with you. I love DSmum as well as new DC but I don't love you any less' or some such.

[diddl]

Well of course it would be a horrible thing to do.

But I should imagine the mother is concerned that her daughter will be/feel pushed out-especially as new baby will be living fulltime with daddy & she doesn´t.

In the same situation I´m sure you would feel as protective of your child.

[CactusVera]

Yanbu...

Of course she should be reassured that her new sibling won't change the way your DH feels about her. But saying something like that? How strange!

[forfaxsake]

Hi all

I spoke to DH and he is going to have a good chat with DSD and explain the love multiplies thing .

"I think the most important thing to remember is that his little girl is having to accept a situation where her dad has moved away from her and now spends every day with another little child instead."

I know it's not really relevant, but I can I just clarify that my DH did not leave his daughter - his ex left him and took his DD away. We shouldn't make assumptions .