Lost my Dad and my best friend-Is there a link?

[christie2]

My Dad passed away this year. We were close and it was very rough. I went home for 6 weeks to help my mom nurse him until he passed. One week later, dh'dad died suddenly in his sleep. So we headed home again and buried his Dad one week after we buried mine. When I got back to doing the school run and my life I guess (obviously quite distraught but hanging in) my best friend was noticably distant. Before I went home all was good, we were planning a girl's weekend away and we had been good friends for about 3 years. We talked weekly, went out often and walked together and she would drop by all the time. THen nothing. No calls when I was home with my Dad, no messages on my phone when I got back, only 1 call in which she dropped by a meal and then coldness. If she saw me at the school she smiled but walked on by. Sometimes, she pretended not to see me even though her kids said hi to me. I have enough on my plate so have not done anything about it. We are in the same circle of friends, infact she is about the centre of it. People still talk to me about her as if we are still friends and suggest she and I organize a girls night out ( which we often did). I keep it friendly with her and have mentioned the change to no one and no one else seems to notice. It is not my imagination as I hear about outings she has with other friends which I am not invited to and she has not called me in 4 months. So, what to do. I am angry and extremely hurt. I think what did I do but have really been focused on nursing my dad and helping my mom with the loss so have not been around to even offend her. I have tried to be friendly and she is polite, but cold. Are the two connected. DH says that she is avoiding me as the event was a sad one (my Dad's passing ) and wasn't about her so she couldn't handle it. PErhaps. We did spend alot of time talking about her divorce. So, how do I deal with this? Part of me really misses the friendship (my heart) but my head says just let it go as she was not a real friend. And why now, when I really needed a friend. IT seems so cruel to dump me when she knew how important my dad was to me and how heartbroken I am. And to be clear, I do not burden friends with my troubles so I would not have overwhelmed her. It would be nice just to go for a coffee and a chat like we used to. I am mad at myself for how much this bothers me. Sorry this is so long.

[claig]

It is very sad. It is nothing to do with you. Your DH is right, she can't handle it, she didn't know what to say. She couldn't support you because she didn't want to open herself up and absorb your pain. It was easier for her to escape it and just avoid you. It's really not her fault, she just can't help it. But if you can, I would drop her, she will never be there to help you when you are really down, as she wants to avoid all pain. You have found out what she is really like, and though she can't help herself, I don't think she is a person to confide in.

[bunlove]

Hi Christie. So sorry for the loss of your dad and FIL. So sad about your friend behaving like this.

Obv I don't know your friend as a person but the first thing that sprung to mind was that she maybe does not know what to say to you because your dad has died. Some people do not deal well with death and panic about what to say. Also, perhaps she found it difficult to begin with and so didn't contact you but then the longer time went on, the more difficult it was and guilty she felt about not contacting you.

Of course, it could be what your dh says but I don't know her personally so can't say.

Could you manage to be up front with her and ask her for a coffee and talk to her about it? May break the ice but I do understand that you are angry with her.

I think the best way to handle these things is head on tbh.

[Longtalljosie]

I agree with bunlove - have you asked her what the problem is? People can be very odd when people are bereaved but give her a chance to redeem herself.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I also agree that you have to talk to her about this, or it will continue to niggle at you. A conversation may help to get over the awkwardness (sp?) and things may then go back to normal. I think though that claig is right and you will never be able to depend on her. With that in mind, I would view her as a 'social' friend, to go out with, but not a 'real' friend.

Sorry for your loss. Some people do just suck at dealing with other peoples emotions.

[shockers]

Maybe you could start the dialogue by asking if, in the depths of your stress, you said something which hurt her feelings. My guess would be the same as the others though... that she is avoiding you because she doesn't know how she should handle your grief.

[MarineIguana]

So sorry for what you've suffered recently.

When I had a tough time in my life a close friend was absolutely rubbish. She would stand me up when we planned to meet and not say sorry, cancel plans etc - she was just put off by me being in an emotional state I think. Meanwhile other friends stepped in (and subsequently became closer friends). But as you say it wasn't all about sobbing on people's shoulders, it was having someone who would come round and watch SATC with me and share a bottle of wine etc - such a cliche but just "being there".

This friend just can't give you what you need now - but someone else may be able to so give her space and arrange doing something with someone else if you can. You might find as I did that you will never be as close with her again - hard but things like this do change friendships. I still see my "useless" friend but I would never depend on her again.

[Isawthreeships]

You need to talk with her.

Could there be crossed wires? Is it possible that, in your grief, you inadvertently stood her up when you had arranged to meet? You say she is getting divorced - is it possible that something has happened there which (because, rightly, you have been dealing with matters elsewhere) she feels you have neglected to ask her about?

Get it out in the open. At best, you will gain a friend back. At worst, life will carry on as now. There's nothing to lose.

[christie2]

This is is so helpful to me. I can't talk to my friends as we all are in the same group. So I have been just carrying it around.

To be honest, I have not talked to her about it because I am just starting to feel like my old self again and any rejection by her would cause me more pain, and I just can't take it right now. Your comments helped me to see her perspective.

I thought everyone would say dump her but part of me still cares about her as a friend, just not a reliable one. I will try to find an opportunity to talk again, if the moment is right. As to her divorce, it was 8 years ago but she still talks about it alot as custody issues went on and on.

I think you all gave me the answer, she just could not handle someone else's trauma. I am just not sure how to get back from this.

[FlyingInTheCLouds]

A friend did this to me after my DS2 was born. I suffered from PND.

we didnt speak properly for over a year. It was horrible and very upsetting.

Eventually we spoke and I found out she didn't know how to handle someone depressed, her mum had had depression when she was a child and I think she was scared of the memories.

We have now moved on and a year later are on really good terms, even planning a holiday.

I am still a little wary about trustimg her but am so glad I got it sorted and still have her as a friend.

The only other good freind I fell out with was as a teenager and 20 years on I still have a pang of regret over it.

[FlyingInTheCLouds]

sorry meant to add, so for your own peace of mind just talk to her, or write a letter if that is to hard.

[bunlove]

Hi Christie, hope you're feeling a bit better about things today.

Sometimes a silly misunderstanding can cause this kind of breakdown of communication. However, this does not excuse her behaviour because she knows what you've been going through and a good friend would always be there for you no matter what. Nothing to stop her approaching you either to sort things out.

My guess is that you will feel better if you know what's going on BUT only when you feel able to handle it so you might want to give yourself some extra time before you tackle it.

Some friends will only ever be of the "fair weather" variety and as suggested above, you might just keep her as a social contact from now on. She may feel the loss of here "support system", ie you. Still not an excuse though just the way she is.

Be kind to yourself anyway and take your time.

[christie2]

Thanks again. I am going to give myself a bit more time but when I do see her (she has been away for a holiday) see how she reacts to me. As I am feeling more like myself again and have been seeing other friends, she may be more friendlier. It is very strange how people react and I had read this happens but would never have guessed it would be her. But I guess that is what everyone says since a few of you have had similar experiences.

[sleepinglady]

I think people can often find bereavement difficult to handle - the phrase "friends become strangers and strangers become friends" is all too true sadly. I have been in the same situation after a bereavement and it has felt like a double loss - loss of a dear one and loss of friends.But it says more about them than it does about you - and at least now the true colours are out; you don't need to waste any more time on this fairweather friend.