to want to ban my uncle in law from my home?

[Jethers]

My husband's mother has just died, leaving his last surviving relatives as his maternal uncle and cousins. During her illness, my mother visited my MIL every single week, did her laundry etc etc. My uncle in law who lives 3 hours away, came every couple of months. After she died, to make the funeral less traumatic for himself, my husband (who is an only child) did not want a service in a crematorium but in a hotel and wanted a humanist celebrant rather than a minister.

A day after the death, his uncle turned up at our house to stay (uninvited) and spent three days telling my husband he was doing the funeral wrong, he was a bad son etc etc. My mother spent some time trying to mediate between them and find a compromise. Unexpectedly the uncle left on the third morning to go home. That night I got back from work to find a message on our answermachine from the Uncle saying my mother had hijacked his sisters funeral, he wanted nothing to do with the funeral and would not be coming, my mother was an awful interfering, patronising woman who had not supported his sister and was two faced. On and on it went.

reluctant to lose all contact with his only remaining relative my husband has now caved and is having a religious service at the crematorium. His uncle has left another message wanting to 'help finalise all the last arrangments' - no hint that he realises he might have behaved badly or that there had been a problem.

I am so angry on behalf of my mother for the insults which i think were entirely undeserved, my husband for the terribly stressful and traumatic time that he is suffering as a result and the disrespect shown to me (since he left such a message about my mother on MY answermachine not caring, or maybe hoping, that I would hear). I do not want him in my house or to call my house ever again. If my husband wants contact through mobiles or while I am away I don't care. Is that unreasonable?

(sorry for long and involved rant...)

[onebatmother]

YANBU to feel very angry, but you probably ABU for banning him from your home. Think it's probably unlikely he'll want to come anyway? Horrid for you, but do remember that people do behave very oddly in the first stages of bereavement - particularly if they have feelings of residual guilt.

[becaroo]

Funerals and weddings...they really do bring out the worst in people

I am sorry that you and your husband are going through this. I think the best advice is take a deep breath, help your dh through the day itself and move on.

Its not what you do for them when they have gone, its what you did for them when they were alive and from what you have said you, your dh and your mother have nothing to reproach yourself for.

As you say, he is one of your dhs last living relatives and you probably wont see that much of him once the funeral is over (from personal experience)

Best wishes x

[bronze]

Can I just say too your Mum sounds lovely

[edam]

Husband's uncle sounds like a self-centred, interfering tosser. Bet he doesn't bother to make any effort to see your husband after the funeral anyway. Sad, but you can't force people to be reasonable or responsible.

Feel very sorry for your dh, you and your mother.

[edam]

ooh yes should have said your mother is clearly a wonderful lady. Sadly this is often not appreciated by blood relatives, possibly as they know full well THEY should have been pulling THEIR fingers out. (It was my mother who made a big effort for my paternal grandmother when she was old and ill, visiting regularly and fetching things my Gran needed - even though my parents had been divorced for 20 years by that point. My father and uncle were far too busy to pay much attention to their own ruddy mother...)

[sanielle]

YANBU He is a twat. Don't stop your Dh from seeing him out of your home though. Probably not worth letting anyone who speaks about your fmaily like that around your children either (assuming you have any).

[diddl]

What sort of service did MIL want?

TBH, I think your husband is wrong if he is doing it his way purely to make it less traumatic for himself.

[sanielle]

WHy didl? He is the one clearly most bothered about his mother. She won't be bothered by any of it all. Funerals are for the living family left behind and it seems to really just be him, uncle and a couple cousins. Think his wishes should be followed. He certainly shouldn't make himself miserable organizing a funeral he doesn't want. ALso doesnt sound like the uncle offered to organize the funeral himself just dictate how dh shoudl do it. Doesn't sound like he did sweet fuck all before she died to be fair.

[diddl]

Well I thought the funeral should be the way the deceased wanted it.

Maybe it is, in which case, fine.

I also think if the uncle thought it was not how his sister would have wanted it then he was right to say something.

Obviously he handled it all completely wrongly and what he said about OPs mother was disgusting.

[NarkyPuffin]

I'd try to be supportive of your DH and ignore the uncle as much as possible. If you can keep a veneer of civility it will probably make things easier and smoother on the day. The last thing your DH needs right now is more drama or ultimatums- it sounds like the uncle has provided enough of those.

After the funeral, erase him from your memory and be on your way out if he ever doorsteps you again.

Your mother sounds lovely and he sounds like a shit. Actually he sounds like my uncle, who never visited his sick father even though he could see his house from the kitchen window. Then he threw hissy fits about my mother being there to hold his father's hand when he died, like he'd been usurped.

[Jethers]

Thanks guys. Perhaps you're right about it; he's a tosser but he very probably won't be around anyway, so no point banning. And particular thannks for nice words about my mum - to be honest, i think she's behaved like a saint through the whole thing. Far better than me.