to think DH should get up on a weekend?

[tabbyH]

I am getting to the end of my tether... please tell me if you think this is reasonable behaviour!!

Our DD is now 10 months. I am still BF and dream feeding. She won't have a bottle, but will take some milk from a cup which kind of limits my options. I am still on maternity leave, but only for another 6 weeks when I will return to full time employment. DH works full time.

A normal day...
If I am lucky, then he gets up with DD in the morning to give her breakfast which gives me time for a shower. He then goes to work and I give DD milk. More often than not, however, he stays in bed until the last possible moment before he showers and goes straight out to work. This essentially means I can't get myself ready until DD has her morning nap. Should I make him get up with her?

On an evening, he comes home after she has had her tea. He gets to play for about 1/2 hour before I give her milk. Bath and bed time follows. He often complains that his hands are sore (dry skin/mild eczema) and I end up doing both. My hands are often worse than his from constant hand washing!! This is only if he comes straight home, he goes shopping for non essentials once or twice a week (and by this I mean the Aldi specials that we really don't need or have any use for). If he goes out, then he misses play time, and she is ususally in a bath.

Weekends are a nightmare. He doesn't get up with her at all on a weekend, prefering to stay in bed. One morning we go swimming (after her nap), it is me that drives and swims... he reads newspaper and eats toast in the car. By this time it is lunch time (he is just having breakfast) and I have made DD some lunch so she can eat on the way home. He also thinks weekends are his 'me' time and time for DIY, so I don't get anytime without DD to do anything (like food shopping/cooking/baking/cleaning).

In 10 months, he has taken her out on his own once. He came back after an hour because she was crying (tired).

He is excellent at DIY and cleaning/tidying. He doesn't cook much, never prepares DD any food. Cerals are too complicated! Food shopping is beyond him. He adores DD.. not so much me at the moment because I have had enough!

Yesterday, after saying that I had had enough, he said that he would get up today to take her swimming. Of course, when the time came he was still in bed, so I went. I was planning on food shopping, cooking sunday lunch and baking a cake. None of these happened. I could have woken him up, but on other occassions when I have done this, I get accused of nagging - about his late nights (internet surfing until 12/1am) and drinking (2-6 cans a night).

Am I being unreasonable? Do you have any suggestions on what I can do/say? What is it going to be like when I go back to work and he has to get up with her (because I'll be at work)? Would love a bloke's opinion on this.

[Meglet]

My XP was like this . Never bothered with us on weekday mornings (got up and literally walked out the door, no breakfast or shower) and refused to get up before 11 on a weekend regardless of whether I was working, pregnant, on maternity leave or juggling 2 dc's. We had a couple of sundays he said he'd come swimming but wouldn't get up so I took DS on my own. He used to get abusive if I wanted him to get up 'early'. .

Your DH should be capable of getting out of bed at weekends. Someone once told me that letting one of you have a lie in either Saturday or Sunday is good, sort of 6 days 'on' and 1 day off.

[SparklyJules]

And.... breathe! Do you feel better for getting it all all out?

What you have written could have been written by half of the women on here!

I don't know if there is a magic solution, but I do know that some men can take well over a year to "adjust" to having a baby in their lives and realise that they also have to take some responsibility.

I think a proper, sitting down, grown up chat about sharing the load would be in order. He has to realise that you are not sitting at home all day with your feet up and you have to start relinquishing some of the responsibility, otherwise you will go mad and end up braining him with a plant pot.

[HecateQueenOfWitches]

When do you get your 'me time'?

I think you should put that to him. That you don't begrudge him his time to himself, but that you feel it is only fair that you get that time too.

[TrinityRhino]

why cant you get ready unti she naps?

I hear what yiu are saying but I just wondered why you felt that that

[BrownPaperandString]

YANBU

I think you should sit down and propose that you each have a lie in at the weekends. You take saturdays and him sundays (or whichever way round you like). It's difficult in the week to put your foot down but i think you need to tell him that you would like to be the one to go and get the non essentials as you're craving some time where you can walk without being attached to something / pushing something.

It sounds like he doesn't feel confident with her and thinks that you have all the answers (milk) - a common misconception!!

I would have a think about what you genuinely think is fair and then write it down and see what he thinks to start off with.

[cerealqueen]

Before I comment, can I ask does he do do anything as a parent, apart from play with DD?

[Flisspaps]

HIBU - but you could do more to help yourself. Sod him moaning that you are nagging - wake him up, leave DD on the bed with him and go out to do the food shopping.

In the mornings, get up when his alarm goes off and get in the shower. Don't give him the option of staying in bed being a lazy arse. He's a grown man - cereal is NOT too complicated, he just sounds too lazy.

[sanfairyann]

he's drinking a lot

now you're going back to work is a good time to renegotiate a lot of things - one morning off each at the weekend (but you might have to accept whatever he does with her that morning, like sit her in front of the telly while he reads the paper, if dh is anything to go by). and if possible try not to have such a 'plan' for the day and take things as they come, might make it easier?

it will get easier as she gets older = or it should!! if it doesn't, kick off some more

btw sort out the cleaning rota as well = you've been off work a while and maybe ended up doing more of it? easy for things to stay that way when you go back to work.

[traceybath]

Well you're going to need a routine in the mornings when you're back at work so I'd tell him you're going to start doing it now so you all get used to it.

So eg he takes DD downstairs and does breakfast whilst you get ready and then you get her ready whilst he gets ready or visa versa.

You need to have a calm conversation about what you want/expect of him - perhaps book a babysitter and go out for dinner.

[expatinscotland]

I'd get him up, tell him he's on his own with DD and leave.

Leave her some cups, she'll probably take them if you're not around.

[Sidge]

He is a lazy bugger.

It's about time he realised that parenting involves more than just playing with a baby for half an hour.

If you can bear it you need to wake him in the morning, hand him the baby and go out for a couple of hours. If she has just been fed she will be fine for a few hours, if she needs a drink he can give her water in a sippy cup.

You both need to sort this out because otherwise you will be working full time AND doing absolutely everything with the baby as well; it's all very well that he does the odd bit of DIY and cleaning but that's not much use to you day to day when you have a child to care for.

[Eliza70]

There's a lot in your post, but just to relate to a few things. My DP is terrible at getting up at the weekend, no matter how much we discuss and agree that we will take it in turns it is ALWAYS me who gets up. Sometimes I do the feeds and potter with the children and then get him to get up while I go back to bed but on the whole it is a nagging match to get him to get up. It is draining and puts me in a bad mood from the start.

However, there are a few things, as someone else has said it is possible to shower and dress with a child that is awake. I have a 6mth old and a 2.6yr old and every morning I manage to have a shower, wash my hair, dress and put on make up. Put your child in their cot for 15 minutes. There is no need to wait until they are asleep.

Find a family activity where your DP has to participate, go for a walk not swimming. Or do the food shopping together, or instead of giving your DD her lunch in the car, insist you all go out for lunch together. Indulge his DIY and go and buy widgets together.

You need to get this sorted before you go back to work, as it will get worse when you are tired from work too and rushing about cause of childcare etc.

It has taken me time to get my DP "trained" to do stuff with our children (baths, dressing, breakfast) but he's getting there!

[lovely74]

Yup he should, YANBU.

I know what you mean about not getting having a shower till DD naps. There is nowhere I can leave DS safely for the time it takes me to have a shower (no room for playpen, fell out of his cot last week when in there awake!). If you've got an active one like mine really 5 minute loo trips are all you have!

I think you need to talk about a fair "division of labour" so to speak, so can both get done the stuff you want / need and get some "me" time also. You need to explain that yes you understand that he works hard but so do you, and although you are at home you are working looking after DD, not sitting with your feet up watching This Morning. Therefore the time that both of you are there needs to be divided up into times when you are with DD and he gets "me time", he is with DD and you get "me time", and then time you spend as a family, so going swimming for example. Maybe you need to be as blunt as writing down your family timetable for week so he can see in black and white how much you do and how much he doesn't.

I am due back at work in a few months and I am planning on having the morning routine laid out in black and white for DH. Ie I get up, BF DS, then he takes him and dresses him whilst I shower (brekkie will be at mursery) and get myself ready, then me and DS leave and DH gets ready. Otherwise it's going to be chaos and I'm not getting up an hour earlier than DH to deal with DS on my own. He is our child and on days when we are both working we take equal responsibility for DS.

Since DS came along I've made it completely clear that I expect DH to do his share in all aspects of our day to day family life be it housework, feeding, changing and playing with DS, etc, and the bits that he can't do (like BF) he takes on other roles (it's become his job to get DS out of his cot in the morning and actually gets upset with me if I get him myself now!)

Good luck!

[Jux]

He's being lazy.

Enumerate all the things you do, tell you're busy from the time you wake up until you go to sleep. Ask for 'me' time. Tell him if he's going to have two days where he can do what he wants then you'd like two as well, and how is he going to sort that?

Don't pull your punches. He probably thinks you're having a lovely time playing with a baby. I nearly hit my dh (and I am really very non-violent) when he suggested that me working part-time and doing all baby-care, meant he was working harder - though he was working part time too (and then sleeping all afternoon and buggering off to his mate's in the evening until god knew when). He's been trained now.

[TrippleBerryFairy]

No, YANBU.

I had similar issues with my DP. It's all sorted now. Sorted because I voiced my unhappyness every time and turned into right miserable cow. Then we had a few massive rows and there you go, the result. He's much better now (time will tell how long that will last...). We agreed that one day during the weekend he will get up early so I can have a lie in. And he does (I do need to wake him up when I hear DS though).

I found that lenghty explanations about how tired I was etc didn't quite work. So I SHOWED him - I wasn't washing up all the time, left his clothed unwashed etc. Turned miserable. Also, waiting for them to do something 'to help' is hopeless. One day it just occured to me - why is it ME who has to get up early on the weekend? So I just told him- one day per weekend it's gonna be YOU doing that. I do believe taht without me telling him to do that it would never have happened.

Maybe such straightforward approach would work for you too?

I also think that your DH drinking at night makes it very hard for him to get up with DD, does he have 2-6 cans every night? That's rather a lot imo. Will you be leaving the house really early when you're back at work? My guess is that after a few days late for work he will sort himself out... hopefully. Or you could suggest to try and practice living the way you will be once you're back at work - him getting up early and sorting DD out.

[tabbyH]

Thank you! Yes, I do feel better for a vent. Some of the other mummies at swimming got an earfull too

Other things he does as a parent... if she has been fed/winded/changed and cries in the night then he will go to her. He doesn't leave her to cry for longer than 30 seconds (I leaver her about 5 min, by which time she has gone back to sleep) but I'm usually too tired to argue about it. If I say soemthing in these situations then I'm getting on at him. He changes her, if asked.

I know he drinks far too much. So does he. He has actually cut down... 2 cans a night is much better than what it was. Foolishly I thought he would stop after DD was born. I have less than a glass of wine a week, I'm not a big drinker.

I can't shower while she is awake because she cries if I'm not there and won't sit in the bathroom for 5 mins while I do.

Today, after I shouted up to him that we were leaving (11am) he managed to get a joint of meat for dinner after showing/breakfast. I came home to find that meat wasn't yet in the oven! We didn't have 'lunch' until 3.30. How it takes so long to cook a meal, I still don't know. He gets distracted by his 'jobs'... things he thinks that I don't do, like empty bins and hoover.

He has said, on more than one occasion, that he comes home from work and starts his other job. I've said that his other job is living! He also doesn't seem to recognise that once he is home and takes DD for 1/2 hour, that I also start my other job, cooking tea, washing nappies and tidying chaos that DD has caused during the day.

I love him and he loves me, I just can't seem to get through to him that we need to share, do things together and spend time with DD apart.

And this morning, I nearly did go shopping - but then she wouldn't have gone swimming. I fully intend to go out next Saturday after her morning milk. She won't need me again until much later, and as suggested I can express. She won't starve.

[maktaitai]

98% YANBU.

Weekends first. Following on from the other posters, obviously you deserve to share the weekend mornings - my feeling is that you are going to have to go and sleep somewhere else for him to actually get up with your dd. Maybe you can stay with a friend/your mother on a Saturday night for a couple of weeks, if you can get some stocks of EBM built up?

It does sound like you have a long list of things in your head to achieve at the weekend; well, in a way that's not unreasonable, but would it be terrible if some of them didn't happen? How much input does he get to the list?

During the week - well, I would leave things as they are for the moment, and focus on discussing together how things are going to operate once you go back to work. And don't for a minute think that you are 'asking for help'. You are sorting out, together, the essential care of your child.

[TrippleBerryFairy]

tabbyH, does your DD like the 'peekaboo' game? My DS loves it and I use it when I need to do things - I go out of the room, then peek in - 'peekaboo!', he's laughing. I sometimes take shower like that - 'hiding' behind the shower curtain and emerging from it from time to time exclaiming 'peekaboo!'. Keeps us both happy...

[BrownPaperandString]

Do you know what - it's absolutely fine if she cries while you're in the shower - sometimes you just have to get showered and they get used to what's going on soon enough. And if she's crying, perhaps he will come to her?

The other thing that I have found works is that I say to DH - would you like to do the bath or put the laundry away? Would you like to put her to bed or cook the dinner? etc etc and give him a choice of 2 as if he is definitely going to be doing one!!! or whoever doesn't do bed, clears up the mess from the day...

It's like teaching a child - they do nothing to tidy up so you give them a choice and they pick one and then they have taken ownership of that task.

If he doesn't do the thing he said he would do then you can justifiably ask him why it hasn't been done.

[BrownPaperandString]

oh and if he would always choose the household stuff over DD, then give him two DD choices... like would you like to get up with her today or tomorrow? would you like to put her to bed tonight or tomorrow night? would you like to bath her or give her her dinner tonight?

[BumptiousandBustly]

One thing that I have found with DH, is that he just didn't realize that when I was asking him to do things, I was also doing things, so now I say: "These two things need doing, which do you want to do?"

i.e. Do you want to feed DS, or load the dishwasher?

That way, he appreciates that I am doing something too, and he feels that he gets a choice and I am not just telling him what to do. It has really helped in terms of him realizing how much I am doing, and not feeling nagged.

[BumptiousandBustly]

Just realized that brownpapersandstring, has posted the very same suggestions!

[Matsikula]

Hi Tabby. Some of this could have been written by me a couple of months ago (except the bit about DIY, but also with less drinking).

I was getting a bit upset by the fact that even at weekends, he was quite happy to stay in bed and let me do everything in the mornings. So more recently I have been insisting that he gets up to keep us company. That way it's easier to ask him to change a nappy, put the kettle on or whatever, and it's nice having a sociable breakfast together. It also means he's learning about our morning routine, so he can take over more, which he is doing.

I know you've mentioned that he's cut down on the drinking, but if he's having 6 cans of beer a night, then presumably he's fairly hung-over the next day. Did he drink this much before? Does he ever go out with his friends, or exercise? Seems like he needs to let off steam, maybe if he found a healthier way to do it, he'd be happier getting properly involved at home.

I know this is really about your husband, but you could try putting a musical toy in the cot with your daughter while you are having a shower?