to want the money back

[SilverSand]

Dh's brother came round last night to get some help for a project he's working on. They leave (dh drives brother to nearest station). Then dh's brother comes rushing back into the house asking if we have a travel card for the train. Mumbles that he's left his card at home. I'm really confused - I need my travel card for work - and find some change for him (around £3). He leaves in a rush without saying thank you or I'll pay you the money back.

I feel incredibly angry after he's left. When I talk to dh afterwards, it turns out that he told his brother to go & ask me for money / a travel card. (We live abroad and have travel cards worth around £20 that anyone can use so I think was asking me to give this to his brother). But its my travel card and I don't see why I should have to give to anyone. Think that brother was hoping to persuade dh for a lift the whole way home (around 40 mins drive) and that's why he "forgot" to take any money with him.

Background: there some are some things that I really like about my dh's brother (funny, kind to my dcs's) but he comes round a lot and I feel we are being taken for granted. I cook (usually full meal) and he never offers to help clear up, he wants me to listen to him and be sympathetic (which I do) but is not at all interested when I have something on my mind. I feel I am giving a lot and not getting anything back. When he & dh go out it is always dh that pays even though brother has enough money to contribute. Dh drives him places a lot and is generally very good to him.

Example: brother entered a 40km bicycle ride - the day before he came round and asking for moral support to complete it which we (I) gave. As was leaving said (a bit aggressively) "what are you going to give me if I finish it?" said "it is a charity ride then" - obviously would be happy to donate - but no. What was I supposed to give him??? Other than congratulations which I always would do.

I would like to ask him for the money back - but its such a small amount of money it also feels a bit petty. Dh would rather I did nothing at all - he doesn't want to stand up to his brother. Really cross about this- maybe best to handle in a different way?

[Jasonthunderpants]

is he single?
perhaps he is bored living by himself and wants a family/people to look after him and suport him

[roses2]

It's obvious the £3 isn't the issue here so asking for that back will make you look really, really petty.

Has your DH always been like this with his brother? It's him that needs to stick his foot down, not you.

[NarkyPuffin]

Family stuff is so tricky. I think it's up to your DH to stop 'looking after'- always paying and being chauffeur- his brother and it doesn't sound like he wants to.

[SilverSand]

Yes he is single (and he has been asking more of us since he split with his girlfriend). But he already has a mother and I have some children to look after. Do I have to take on my dh's brother as well? We moved to dh's country a few years ago and it has been tough for me settling in here. So I would like some help but there doesn't seem to be any place for this.

Dh seems to be happy with the role of giving to his brother and doesn't want to change this (he is the big brother and likes to take on the providing role for his little brother). Fine, that's their relationship and maybe I shouldn't get involved with that. But dh expects me to behave just like he does - and I feel guilty when I don't just give (and ask for nothing in return).

I knew writing it that asking for the money back would be silly but there are lot of little things like this that build up and in the end I'm being taken for granted.

[Merrylegs]

I think you have already shown him a little bit that he can't take you for granted.

You think he forgot to bring his travel card hoping for a lift back/to use yours. What he actually got was a lift to the station and a handful of small change - not the result he wanted. He also asked your DH to ask you - suggesting that he knows he is out of line in his behaviour with you? This could give you the upper hand?

Perhaps you could continue to meet him half way, or perhaps fall slightly short of his expectations and he might then start expecting less?

Call his bluff. If he comes round for dinner and starts talking at you, hand him the plates and say 'tell me more while you're putting these on the table.'

Baby steps...?

I don't know. It might not work but it might make you fell a bit better or more in control?!

Of course I think it is up to your DH not to bail him out all the time, but if he is the big brother he may feel it is his duty and not want to relinquish that?

[SilverSand]

Thanks all for replying, especially Merrylegs for very helpful advice.

Don't think that dh wants to change (at least not now) - although we did have a good conversation last night about it and he does understand how I feel. The problem is dh excuses brother - says "that's just my brother". I said that was a cop-out - its the way brother chooses to be.

But I'm going to focus on what I can do to feel more on top of the situation and leave their relationship to them. Baby steps, baby steps.

There are some things that brother can do - helping with getting dinner ready as you suggested and also speaking in local language - I could listen to his problems and practice my language at the same time. That would be a great help in me integrating here. I have the feeling he would be less interested in talking to me then, but lets see - maybe he will like helping me after all (hopeful emoticon).