Photo etiquette

[Stampingduck]

Just wanting some advice really! Today we should have gone to a toddler birthday party but couldn't as my lo was unwell. Sitting looking at Facebook I'm relieved as there are so many photos of the whole room. How is best to approach this? Be upfront and ask not to publish any online? Mention it if and when photos end up online? I've had to ask friends (who should have known better!) to remove photos in the past, but it worries me still. We've had to make our excuses in the past too as birth family are close and my Facebook investigating revealed we had mutual friends so any photos would have been too close to them for comfort.
Does the paranoia ever ease? I hate asking people not to post their photos because my child happens to be in it. I really don't know how best to approach it!

[TeamAcorn]

I too am at a loss with this. If I know the person and they know our LO's are adopted I ask them to not add it, or ask to remove it if I see it. If it's at a party and that's not the case I don't ask but I try to be a bit cunning and make sure LO stands at back of group shots etc. Or get his attention so face not facing camera when random photos being taken.
Between school, nursery, friends, party invites, local activities with photographers, sports clubs they attend etc. I feel like this runs my life at mo :( I just assess each risk with each photo and have come to accept there is only so much I can do, there is always going to be risk. I mean, you could ask a parent at a birthday party not to put a photo on Facebook but if your not Facebook friends with that parent they could do it anyway. That person could be friends with a BP. I too found mutual friends between my fb friends and BPs and we live miles apart!

Post AO this is the one thing that constantly reminds me my children are adopted. Obviously we do life story work etc. We don't just ignore that fact! But daily life would be most days no different to parenting a birth child for us, if it wasn't for this issue. I was telephoned twice on Friday for example, while I was at work, to ask permission for separate photos to be taken/used!

It's a tough one but not sure there is an exact etiquette, just what you feel happy in asking people to ensure your child stays safe.

[Stampingduck]

Thanks TeamAcorn, glad I'm not the only one. I'm half tempted to just not say anything and if the photos appear then so be it. Birth family aren't a risk, but we are a matter of minutes walk (!) away from some of them. It's harder because we have a birth child whose photo is merrily plastered all over Facebook. I totally get what you mean about it being a constant reminder they're adopted. I hate social media sometimes. I don't know how long I can keep her in a bubble without her wearing a big sign advertising the fact she's adopted. Even things like nursery you feel like you have 2 heads asking for no photos. Her file has big writing on the front stating no photos to be taken of her (bar for her file). It's a shame.

[tldr]

It's hard, isn't it? Even at school we started off saying no photos but hated that DS had to be removed from them so have gradually yielded ground there (although he's absolutely not to be in any on school web page).

We changed our FB settings so we couldn't be tagged without our approval. This means (we hope) that even if DS is identified he won't be tagged with our names.

[anxious123]

I was specifically requested that photos of my birth son were kept private/personal by his social worker when I discussed it with her before our farewell contact. And I have respected that - he is in the photos, and whilst the AO hasn't been granted yet, he lives with his family now and tbh it'd feel wrong if I was to plaster his image on fb, not least because he can't consent to it! But because I also have his security in mind - his birth father isn't a nice man!

But then a lot of photos of kids on social media make me go."arrrrgh" anyway so.maybe I'm the odd ball that thinks it's wrong. My attitude is they aren't old enough to know the risks involved in social media therefore shouldn't be published on it. But hey ho....

[Stampingduck]

Anxious that's really good of you. Even a few years in birth mum still posts photos of our little one everywhere. It doesn't bother me, they're her photos and I hope she gets some comfort from them. It does make it hard for us as we have been recognised many times.
That's a really good idea about editing the tagging settings. At least if she's identified we won't be. My paranoia knows no bounds though. I am dreading when she wants to wear school uniform outside the house as if we are spotted our location will instantly be known. I have a lot of American friends with such open adoptions (different circumstances though, of course!) that I feel so mean hiding my child from her birth family. It's worse as they are genuinely lovely people, just rubbish circumstances. Adoption is such a roller coaster!

[fasparent]

Is often a controversial subject in all directions, Having given school the OK
Take it upon themselves too blot out or child's face so every one in schools see's the blot out, children know them anyway as do parents then question's are asked WHY ??, all too late , confidentiality is out of the door.

[Stampingduck]

Hadn't thought of that either, thanks fasparent. What a nightmare this is! I suggested to my better half that we just ask the parents hosting the party not to take photos but then the whole room is told and again it sets tongues wagging and bang goes confidentiality again!

[Italiangreyhound]

If people know ds is adopted I just say no photos on social media.

But he is now attending parties etc. There is no risk for us so I am less worried.

I think if I was worried I would maybe just say we don't have photos on social media and leave it hanging as to why.

One good tip is not to allow your little one to sit next to the birthday child because the birthday child will be in all the photos! But that is sad if they are the best friend!

We have kept our birth dd off social media, mostly, because we knew ds would not be on it!

Good luck.