Regrets

[gabsdot45]

I'm having such a hard time with my kids. They are 11, (boy) and 8 (girl). They're both adopted from Russia although I don't think that has anything to do with how naughty the 2 of them are. They fight all the time. My son can't seem to leave his sister alone, he calls her names, hits her pushes her. In turn she screams, hits back, takes his stuff and is generally very annoying.
Today I lost it and told them that they are ruining my life.

The thing is part of me wishes that we hadn't adopted my DD. It's has been really hard work with her. I was floored with depression for the first time in my life just weeks after we brought her home. She has some health problems and there are appointments and worry. She is academically struggling and probably always will. Here congnitive development has been stunted by early trauma. Socially she is immature and it's so draining. She is 8 years old and we clash so much. She is stubborn and so defiant. I dread to think what she'll be like at 15.

I sometimes think that if we hadn't adopted her we would have a much easier life. My son is a likeable child. If I'm honest I prefer his personality and find it much easier to love him and I like him enormously. We would have more money and more freedom and more peace.

I know this is a safe place for me to post such terrible thoughts. I know you'll be kind to me here. I know some of you have had similar thoughts.
I'm not a bad person, I'm a bad mother. I don't seem to have it in me to be better

[researchbookworm]

Gosh Gabsdot- you sound like you are really struggling at the moment. I'm so sorry that life seems so hard. We all occasionally get overwhelmed by life and it can be very hard to see past it. I'm sure that you're not a bad mum- it sounds as though you have been dealing with some really tricky behaviour and I'm sure the long summer holidays with both children at home haven't helped. I'm sure you're beating yourself up for having said more than you wish you had to your children- we've all been there! I think it's important to model the behaviour you would want them to show in this situation and take a moment later to say to them that you were feeling tired/sad/angry before and that you didn't really mean those words.
Hopefully the start of term will mean that you can have a bit more time to yourself in order to recharge. Sadly adopting children can mean that you have a harder family life but it's so worth it. Don't assume that a naughty 8 year old will turn into a difficult teenager- my mum says I was awful at 9/10 but we got on brilliantly during my teenage years.
If you are able, go and get a strong coffee and a piece of cake and give yourself a bit of me time Your children are still growing and their behaviour will improve in time- hopefully you will look back at this post in a few years and barely remember how hard things were at the time.
Chin up as my mother would say

[NullaBore]

I'll probably get flamed for saying this but I think your feelings are totally natural, whether you have adopted or not when your dc fight. I'm due dd2 very soon and we have such a great little life with dd1 that I too think sometimes I hope we're doing the right thing!

My dsis and I fought all the time when we hit teenage years. We are very close in age but so completely different. To be honest we don't have a lot in common now but I do love her and I'd be there for her. I also clashed with my dm, she's a pleaser and I was a moody teenager! But my dm is one of my closets friends, now. I speak to her a couple times a week for an hour or so although I do live on the other side of the world from her

Hopefully things get easier for you soon.

[Devora]

gabsdot, it was very brave of you to post that and I'm glad you felt this was a safe space to do so (and praying everyone will respect that). Yes, I imagine many people are reading your post and nodding - sometimes this journey involves us travelling through dark, lonely places. What support are you getting in RL?

[Devora]

I've also PMed you.

[gabsdot45]

Thanks for your replies. I'm having a bad few days. Hopefully I'll pick up.
Support in RL..... none really except for DH, I haven't looked for any. I'm quite proud and private. I probably do need to do something for myself.

[Cabawill]

Hi Gabs.

I wonder if a mother/daughter thing as my DD is making our life miserable at the moment too. She constantly annoys our DS who tries so hard to ignore her as he really wants to be a good boy.

She is so defiant and she is only 4. I'm really hoping I can nip it in the bud now because the thought of another 15 years of this is depressing.

I too am private and proud but have had to reach out to the SW's last week and after getting out all my frustrations and actually feeling like I'm being heard I feel a lot better this week. We are pre-adoption order though so do have a bit more support.

Hope getting out your feelings here has helped a bit.

[florentina1]

No flaming from me. The constant disagreements can grind you down, I can remember saying "for goodness sake just pretend you are an only child" then feel bad in case she thought I meant that I wished I had not had her. Hopefully someone will have some techniques that have worked. But in the meantime just vent away.

[SusanHollander]

I agree with florentina - vent away. Adoption is bloody hard work, you feel like you're getting it wrong all the time and siblings fight. Mine are only 2 & 3 and they fight so much already. My two year old is an expert at winding up his sister, he takes her favourite toys and sits /lies on her. She snatches and shouts at him but she likes to wind me up more than him and loves pressing my buttons. They're both whining / fighting / tantrumming / playing me up a lot at the moment and I'm struggling with it a lot and finding it hard to be calm.

I find my DS a lot easier than my DD and quite a few mums with sons and daughters tell me they feel the same way and find their boy a lot easier than their girl. I do wonder if it's mother/daughter thing.

Still makes me feel a total failure too though!

[Kazza299]

I'm so sorry you feeling like this but it has really made me feel better! Ds1 is driving me crazy! We haven't got the adoption order yet and I have been pretty horrible to him this last week. I keep thinking if SW knew, they'd take him away and I wouldn't really mind. Gosh! It's such a awful thing to say!

[Kr1stina]

Your not a bad mother or a bad person . But you need to get some support for yourself and therapeutic input for your kids . It's not an admission of failure - it's about your kids needs.

Is your Dd getting help in school ?

What ages were they when they came home ?

Do you live in the UK?

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi gabsdot45 no flaming from me, i totally get where you are comig from.

My birth dd is 10 and very dyslexic. For the last 5 years she has been such a handful and so difficult at times.

We adopted ds 18 months ago and he is 5. DD and Ds get on and fight in roughly equal measure now but when ds first came they fought all the the time.

My house looks like a bombs hit it so I have not got time to wrap everything up carefully, I must do some tidying before I collapse in a chair but I will say some things that have helped us and if they help you, fab....

Find out if your dd needs some specialist help with school and whether she is dyslexic or has any special educational needs. The pressure to do work (my dd probably works three times as hard as her classmates to produce something that is only just legible will be adding to her stress and pressure which she will want/feel the need to push onto others IMHO

In this situation pride/wanting to do it alone/not asking for help will be your enemy. Saying how things are in safe places (like this) and to people who have the capacity to help you, will be your saviour (I hope).

Find time for yourself to relax and unwind and not to carry the stress of one day into the next ( I think you will notice it for the better and so will the kids). I have joined a writing group and a sport plus an online forum unconnected to parenting!

Make some time if you can to make the connection to your dd. Although my dd is a birth child I still need to make time to connect, she is very challenging at times and hard work. There is light at the end of the tunnel and at almost 11 she is better than she was at 8. Honestly.

Bless you and please keep talking.

[Italiangreyhound]

Echoing all the others have said, you are NEITHER a bad mum nor a bad person. You are stressed and dealing with real issues. You need help, ask your local adoption services for it. See if any other charities or organisations can offer help too, please. Help may turn things around for you. Do not let pride ruin things for you.

[Italiangreyhound]

PS when I say ... Make some time if you can to make the connection to your dd. Although my dd is a birth child I still need to make time to connect, she is very challenging at times and hard work. I did not mean to imply that there should be any connection automatically to a birth child or not to an adopted child but many people talk of a natural bond with their kids and making that bond when an adopted child newly arrives. We did try and do this with our new son, thins like swimming to encourage skin to skin etc. I think we succeeded to some degree but it is ongoing and he is quite hard work at times too!

But I do think we need to keep on making connections to our kids, whether they are adopted or birth kids and whether they are older or younger. Quality time, loving things like touch and time and treats all help, I feel. We have created rituals like smelling all the fabric softeners before we buy any, or doing taste tests on meals at home. I hope these have helped to create a sense of family for us doing something together and both kids seem to like this despite their large age difference (just over 5 years).

I also meant connection in terms of bonding etc and I think my bond with my birth dd was formed when she was younger before the 'trouble' started when she was 5 (at school, Year 1) and so we have had to make more connections, and especially to ensure she is not left out of things when her brother arrived!

Hope that makes sense and was not offensive to anyone.

I would also say school have been spectacularly bad at helping and we have found a dyslexia charity has been a Godsend for my sanity!

[gabsdot45]

Thanks so much again for all the replies. It means a lot. I'm feeling much better today plus I've had couple of a nice moments with DD over the past couple of days
She is a sweetheart really. We'll keep her!!!!

[Italiangreyhound]

Bless you, it is hard isn't it. My son is adorable but at times I do wonder if we did the right thing for us as a family because he is fair bit of hard work... but I know we did!

[tldr]

I don't want to be telling you how to suck eggs gabsdot but just since you say youve had a couple of nice moments with DD it made me think have you tried love bombing her? Just finding anything good and praising the hell out of it. That's got us through a couple of hard patches, as much as anything because it changes my behaviour/perception/attitude.

Good luck.

Glad you've decided to keep her

[Italiangreyhound]

We have tried a version of love bombing with dd, and it works for us. DD (not adopted) is insecure despite being very much wanted and loved. I give her lots of physical touch, age appropriate, and lots of affirmations, and tell her often how beautiful and clever she is. being very dyslexic means she is reminded, maybe daily at school, how much she cannot do! Not by us but just just because she is dyslexic!

We have planned occasional time together away from her brother, e.g. in the early evening (this has taken the form of a kind of 'date' night with either dh or I). This, in reality, has only worked out as about once every three months but our initial plan was once a week!

This below is one version of love bombing I have seen but I would be interested to know what you mean, tldr, by love bombing.

All you need is love bombing

[tldr]

Well, I don't mean what's in that article!

I really do just mean finding something, anything almost, that you can praise or reward or comment on nicely. So 'well done for putting your coat on first time I asked', or 'nice job with cleaning your teeth so well' or even 'you're very good at looking after Doll' and other things like that. So not generic 'good girl' or 'you're so clever/pretty/tall' or whatever but specific praise relating to specific acts or behaviours. Lots of kisses and cuddles to go with these.

I've just found that if we have a bad few days then making a concerted effort to do this leads to more nice behaviour and we get into an upward cycle of goodness instead of a downward spiral. DC are much younger than your DD (or OPs) though. Don't know if that would make a difference.

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks tldr that is great.

We had a fridge magnet which said "Praise is Magic" and I do believe that.

www.taylorschools.net/moody/blair-moody-bucket-fillers/100-ways-to-praise-a-child/

WE had a poster and it said 'Hot dog' as one of 100 ways to praise your child.

[Teamslaterjones]

Some lovely advice here - and so many true words. I think all of us who have adopted have wondered frequently what the 'road not travelled' would have been like. We've had all the coaching about how 'they are just testing the boundary' but it's so hard when you are feeling rejected and challenged to not feel negative. As well as praising the child I'd add don't forget to praise yourself. It is very tough so try and dwell on all you are getting right and not the stuff that has a tendency to stick in your mind - the times that you think you could do better.
Would echo the suggest re seeking help. We had some play therapy with our eldest and did help. Plus we got some support for help with breakfast club fees - it was a real flash point and actually him going helps. Everyone's experience is different but we are 'here' for you.

[combined02]

I saw your earlier thread about playtherapy also.

You have probably thought about it, but does she have regular sessions with a qualified speech and language therapist? This would not only be good for the speech, but also for communication generally, and build confidence.

Are they learning Russian?