potential link unknown paternity

[researchbookworm]

Hello,

We are in the early stages of being linked to a young baby. The BM has identified 2 possible fathers but one is felt to be more likely. SW have tried to engage with the more likely dad and get him to do a DNA test and be involved in the care plan for the baby but he has refused to be involved in any way. My concern is that if we proceed with this link (which we'd like to) that he could pop up later and express an interest. Presumably if he did and a dna test confirmed that he was the dad then we'd have to go back to the beginning while he and his family were assessed as potential carers. I get the impression from his attitude that this isn't necessarily very likely but it still worries me. I know there has been a court case recently where the child was removed from the adoptive family as the result of the birth father coming forward at the last minute.

Does anyone have any advice or experience of a similar situation. I desperately want this to work out and at the moment this seems to be the only fly in the ointment (although who knows what else may crop up in matching discussions!)...

Thanks :-)

[framechange]

That's a difficult decision and in the end only you can say if it is ok for you.

What I can say is that although in our case, the likelihood of the birth father suddenly making an appearance was small; and although the likelihood of bf (or his family) having our DD placed with them, if they did turn up at some point, was very small too; I worried. I worried up to the moment when our SW called to say the AO had been granted. It was a niggling uncertainty, always there at the back of my mind. I had to make conscious efforts to not allow that doubt affect my bonding/behaviour/feelings with DD. It was hard and tiring; just how tiring I have only realised once that weight was gone.

The next thing I'd point out is that in that case you mention (so sad, the adopters must be devastated) - the judge explicitly stated that this ruling should NOT be given any 'precedent' value. If that holds true, that ruling should not affect any future judgements. (I know that that didn't stop me worrying.)

Finally, all over that judgement it was argued that the case was extremely unusual and unique. I thought long and hard about how exactly it was unusual. And I think the key point is that although the BF knew/thought he knew that the child was his, he did NOT know that the child was in care and to be adopted. I believe that it is exactly this, that made that case unique. He DID know that it was his child, but he did NOT know that the child was in care/to be adopted.
If I understand you correctly, your potential linkee is different. BF is not sure if he is the father, but he does know that there are care proceedings etc. So just the inverse. On this basis I should think that the case you refer to has NO bearing on your potential situation.
Furthermore, BFs who show now interest in the first year or so are never likely to gain placement of the child with them, even if they do turn up and claim the child. Even in that case above, BF would have been highly unlikely to gain placement of the child with him. Instead the child was placed with an aunt. And again this was only thought suitable because 'kinship care' is (apparently) common and normative in the ethnic society the BF and his family are from. So unless your potential linkee is from an ethnicity where kinship care is the norm, I think you can discount the possibility that a judge would rule that the child is to be placed with a relative of the BF (after having been in your care already and application for AO submitted). And if the BF shows no interest in the child and does not cooperate with SS now, not even to establish paternity, I do not think you need to worry about the child being placed with him (after having already been placed with you, and AO application submitted).

I guess what I'm saying is, you ought not have to worry about that case setting a precedent affecting your potential situation. But then again, as I'm sure you know, there never is absolute certainty; until the day the AO is granted.

[Kazza299]

I don't feel very qualified to answer your question. I'm sure leagally you are right to be concerned however, we also do not know who the father of our eldest DS (been in placement for 3 months aged 7)
We have been asking from the beginning how much effort has been put into finding him etc - not a lot, and what would happen if he suddenly stepped up. But our SW seem pretty confident that this is unlikely. I guess given that DS is 7, he's had a few years in which to do so. It is a worry but there must be so many adopted parents in this same position.
Our major issue is that DS has decided that his Dad is dead! There is nothing to suggest this, but guess it's easier to believe than being unwanted. These poor children. Good luck with your decision x x

[researchbookworm]

Thanks both for your responses. I hadn't been aware of all of the aspects of that case that I had been worried about, so your explanation was very reassuring framechange :-)

As you say, I guess unknown paternity can't be that unusual in adoption so I'm hoping that it won't be an issue in our case. I would be more than happy for contact to be extended to the bf if they did suddenly show an interest - its the possibility of the ac being removed from us that is the really scary part. I think we will just have to cross our fingers and keep going (as with much of the adoption process!). We definitely plan to proceed - I'm just neurotically obsessing over all the elements that I have no control over!

I'm sorry to hear about your DS coming to the conclusion that his bf must be dead. It is heartbreaking when you get a child puzzling out their own background that led to them being in care. I'm sure that when he feels completely settled with you and realises that he now has a really secure and loving new family that he will be able to accept the reality of his past more easily.

Now I just want things to get moving with our link - I had got quite good at the waiting game but now that things are actually happening I'm completely jumpy again and desperate to know how and when everything will pan out...

[Italiangreyhound]

researchbookworm all the best with the adoption.

In your shoes I think I would ask social services if they have also investigated the other possible birth father. That would be my concern, that he may be the birth father and may not know all that is going on. By asking social services to investigate you may:
hit a brick wall (they may say no)
alert this man to the possibility and therefore encourage his interest in the child (which if he is the father might mean that he gets involved) or it might avert tragedy if he would have got involved at a later stage... or this man may be completely unrelated to the child.

You do not need to answer this but is your potential child relinquished or taken into social services care?

It is my understanding that if the child is relinquished by the birth mum and a man comes forward as the other parent of the child he has the right to contest the adoption so he could care for the child. It is my understanding this does not extend to his extended family. But you could take advice on this if it became an issue.

However, if the child is taken into care and the exploration of a kinship care of extended birth family placement is explored in relation to the man who the birth mum suspects is the dad, and then later it is discovered the other man is the birth father, there is the possibility that he or someone in his extended family may apply to care for the child.

I am sure all this will not be issues but you did ask.

Hope it goes OK.