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Adoption

To feel guilt 13 years on (sad)

61 replies

Thankyoumrspatterson · 26/02/2015 22:08

I gave my ds1 up for adoption so many years ago and I feel such guilt still, I was assaulted at 14 and gave birth alone in my room and was so scared and knew I couldn't be a good mother to him.

I look at my two dc now and think "how can I just of given him away". He's not tried to contact me but he's only young still. I've never had any contact, he knows he was adopted it was mandatory at 11 for him to be told.

I was thinking of writing to the adoption agency with my address details and contact information just in case he wants to contact me. Not that I would ever try and force myself on him, he has a mother and father and I'm so grateful they adopted him but aibu to just write, just in case?

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avocadotoast · 26/02/2015 22:10

I have no experience in anything like this but I didn't want to read and run Flowers

I don't think YABU to feel guilty. It's a massive thing to have gone through. Have you ever experienced any counselling or anything to help you with this?

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ssd · 26/02/2015 22:10

sad story Sad

I'd write, too

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SheThinksShesPeople · 26/02/2015 22:13

Ah thankyou I could've written your post. My dd will be 11 now. It's an open adoption her parents write to me once a year but I've never written back. I don't think there are enough words in the world to say what I feel I need to without upsetting her. Do you have any details of adoptive parents from ss? Huge unmumsnetty hugs.

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Thankyoumrspatterson · 26/02/2015 22:15

I had counselling in my teens but it didn't help, I still take antidepressants now and nearing 30 I'm a lot better than I was 10 years ago.

With dc I still get paranoid someone is going to try and take them away like calling ss if they don't eat enough veg etc but that's normal apparently.

I've moved so many times since this happened and it happened abroad so I feel I should write JUST in case he wanted to contact but couldn't iyswim

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Thankyoumrspatterson · 26/02/2015 22:19

Shethinks, mine was a closed adoption in another country, I had him, he cried and my mum found me in a pool of blood. We were taken by ambulance to hospital and I refused to see him (God I feel sick guilty writing that). I've never heard anything but I obviously have all the papers, I think I will just write and give them my details just in case.

I have no idea what I would say to him, only I'm so very happy that his parents could look after him when I couldnt, and I'm so fucking sorry

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friendofsadgirl · 26/02/2015 22:20

Please do write and always keep the adoption agency up to date with your contact details. A friend of mine searched for 20 years to find her birth family. It was heartbreaking to see how desperate she was to know where she came from even though she was adopted by a lovely couple.
Even if he doesn't want to get in touch now, he might in the future. You could make it easy for him and he would never wonder whether you'd want to see him.

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Koalafications · 26/02/2015 22:20

Oh I am so sorry. I'm not sure what to say.

If it would make you feel better to send your contact details then maybe you should do that.

Flowers

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thatsucks · 26/02/2015 22:25

Oh my gosh. So sorry, how painful.

I think I would forward my contact details yes, but it's your decision.

Please please don't beat yourself up about this, you did what you felt was right given the circumstances.

You are still young (I am old) and you don't know yet that life can throw all sorts of things at you - some wonderful. So you may very well get a happy ending - or at least peace and resolution.

Wish you the very best.

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lemondust · 26/02/2015 22:29

Definately write to them and keep them informed of your whereabouts. If nothing else it may make you feel you have done something proactive. My mum gave up a baby girl 4 years before having me. I was never aware until my sister came into my life and tracked me down at the age of 41!. My mum and sister are in sporadic contact which is quite strained but I have a good relationship with her. Even after all these years it helped her to track her birth family down, so even if your son doesn't contact you for decades he may want to one day.

I am so sorry for the circumstances of his birth. Totally and utterly traumatic for you. I hope whatever you do next releases the feelings of sadness and regret you have.

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SheThinksShesPeople · 26/02/2015 22:33

Thankyou, you have nothing to feel guilty for. It was a tragic situation and at your young age you clearly did what was best for all parties involved.

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GiddyOnZackHunt · 26/02/2015 22:36

Don't beat yourself up over not seeing him. You must have been very shocked and traumatised by the whole chain of events. Any grown woman giving birth alone and lonely would be. As a scared teenager alone in your bedroom? Terrifying.
I think making the first move is a great idea. In a few years he will be older than you were at his birth. If he wants to contact you and you're there waiting patiently it gives him a positive message.

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Thankyoumrspatterson · 26/02/2015 22:37

Thank you everyone, now I just need to hold in the tears so dh doesn't get worried, when I get upset like this dh gets kicked to the sofa and dc sleep with me. Me hugging them and thanking God I have them, ok so now the flood gates have opened :/

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rinabean · 26/02/2015 22:37

Please don't feel so guilty about how you felt then, you were only a child yourself after all

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mytartanscarf · 26/02/2015 22:40

Perhaps I'd feel differently if I had since had children but I gave birth at 15 to a baby girl who was given up for adoption.

I pray she's safe and well and believe she is but I'm waiting for her to get in touch with me, if she wants to. If not that's fine too and I think I'd prefer that. But yanbu to write it youd prefer that

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Namechanged101 · 26/02/2015 22:40

OP I want to be able to give you a massive hug- please try not to feel guilty- you do not have anything to feel guilty about. Please write the letter I think it could be a whole new chapter.
You sound like a lovely person but you're so hurt I hope you can start healing soon xx

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Theas18 · 26/02/2015 22:51

Much hugs. Just to say I saw one of those programs on tv lately about a mum searching for her grown up son who was adopted under pressure from family. They found him and he just said " mum you have nothing to reproach yourself for, I had the most loving family and a wonderful childhood, and I'm glad to have you back in my life" .
There was also a " listening project" thing on r4 this week about an adopted child who wanted his birth mum to come to his 8th birthday party, so she did, and there is ongoing happy contact on all sides. The only challenge being when people ask " are those people ( birth mum and family) friends or relatives" to which the answer is " both"!

I suspect, like everything , we hear a lot about adoptions that don't work out well but actually lots go fantastically well.

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Thankyoumrspatterson · 26/02/2015 22:52

Hugs mytartan

I'm going to write, I'm nervous about what I would say if he even contacted, I could never say how he was conceived. I wrote him a letter a few months after I gave birth, I'd probably show him that.

Sorry I'm blabbing on, I don't want to talk about it with family or dh so I'll talk away on here.

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SirVixofVixHall · 26/02/2015 22:57

I don't have experience of this but i didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry that you have had such a traumatic time. Please don't feel guilty, you were a child, you were shocked and traumatised and what happened was the best thing under the circumstances. Your child will be with parents who might otherwise not have had a baby, and he will be very much wanted and loved. Do leave your details as you are happy to be contacted, and then when he is ready he might want to find you. I really hope so. Flowers.

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Cunderthunt · 26/02/2015 23:00

Flowers no words of wisdom Im afraid but I hope it works out

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lemondust · 26/02/2015 23:01

If you didn't want to reveal the details of the conception then you don't have to.. your age is enough for it to be totally understandable why you did the best thing for him at the time. He will understand. My mum didn't have the reasons you had and even then my sister has totally accepted the reasons and thanks her on email regularly for giving her life and the opportunity to live in a loving family

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CunningCat · 26/02/2015 23:08

Flowers to you. You were a victim of crime and circumstance and have no reason to feel guilty. Do what you feel you have to. You are very brave and obviously a top mum.

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monkina · 26/02/2015 23:11

You should write. That way if he one day feels ready to find out more, he will know that you cared. Wishing you a happy future.

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queenofthepirates · 26/02/2015 23:13

Good grief you have really been through it haven't you? It's quite frankly amazing you have managed to keep standing all this time after an assault, traumatic birth, separation from your child and the finality of an adoption. I am in awe of your strength-you do know how strong you are don't you?

That said, strong people need outlets, they need space to express their feelings and come to terms with their emotions, especially those as powerful as yours. My feeling is that you need to forgive yourself, not that you did anything wrong but give yourself permission to let out the rage and anger and you may have been bottling up. I would strongly suggest you get some talking therapy to deal with the way you are feeling, to let it out and find ways to deal with your emotions as an adult.

I would give you a huge hug if I were there and let you howl, you deserve so much better.

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Canyouforgiveher · 26/02/2015 23:13

you did the best you could. I am an adopted adult and had a great life and childhood with my parents. I have been in touch with my biological mother since age 30 and we now have a close relationship. Like you she was very young and did the best she could in the circumstances. It meant a lot to me that she had written to the adoption agency and left contact details-she did the best she could for me.

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Kewcumber · 26/02/2015 23:19

Yes do write to social services where he was born with your contact details. DS's birth mum gave birth in similar circumstances and relinquished immediately so we have very few details but he would like to know more.

I have always told him that sometimes people have very few choices and they make the best choice they possibly can at the time.

You can't rethink the decisions you made as a child a lifetime ago in the skin of an adult woman with support. Be a bit kinder to your younger self, please.

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