Need contact with people who have adopted...

[ClareMaggieE]

Hubby and I were approved as adoptive parents in August through a local agency. We were hoping that we would be able to have contact with some of the other couples we went through our "training" with, just to share how we are all getting on, but the agency seems to have cut off any links with other families. We have no names of families who have previously adopted, nothing. Nowt. Zip.

I feel so isolated at the moment. We have made enquiries on a number of children and sibling groups, and yet here we are, 3 months further down the line and still, nothing. Not even a nibble.

Can someone please tell me a) if it gets better and b) if it is worth it?

[ClareMaggieE]

Thank you. I just need people who understand the process... it is a weird old system, lets face it.

[Threesocksnohairbrush]

Well - here we are, there are a range of posters from new adopters to old hands.

Yes it gets better and yes, it's very much worth it! I know when you're awaiting match every minute feels like a year but in the great scheme of things it isn't that long. We were four months for dc1 and a year for dc2. What ages are you looking at? Be My Parent etc enquiries can be a bit of a minefield!

Are you on the national adoption register?

Just a thought - if your username is your real one you might want to change it to something more anonymous? Being identifiable on the internet is not a great idea when you do have children placed.

[Kewcumber]

We are very nice here, you can be in our gang

[MeDented]

When it happens it's magical & totally worth it! I can't even remember how long we ended up waiting before being matched, only that it seemed like forever at the time but in reality was definitely less than 1 year. But it's better to wait and get the right child for you than rush into a lifetime commitment. People are always shocked to hear that DD is adopted, it never enters their head, she is just part of our family. Good luck x

[Italiangreyhound]

Clare it will probably get better and it is certainly worth it. But three months is early days. I am amazed your agency do not want to help put you in touch with others but that is the situation.

We did our prep course and all chose to exchange email addresses and kept in touch for a while but I have had more support here from Mumsnet than from individual people in real life.

If you have been approved three months you can go on the national register for England and Wales.

Keep going and it will almost certainly get better.

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi Clare what age of child would you like to adopt? If you are hoping for a very young child or baby there will be a wait.

Did you know you can go to exchange days for Adoption UK once you have been approved 3 months. These are days where information on individual children is available, you can meet some social workers and some foster carers (but the individual children are not present)

www.adoptionregister.org.uk/adopters/exchange-days

Wednesday 21st Jauary 2015 - London
Thursday 19th March - Bolton
Wednesday 13th May - London

Individual children are present at Activity days and these are organised by local authorities and also by BAAF.

www.baaf.org.uk/ourwork/activitydays

There are lots of forthcoming dates. Some of these children may have additional needs. You may like to talk to BAAF to find out about the kinds of children present at these events.

[Devora]

That bit between approval and matching is hideous, I think. Feels like your whole life is in limbo. But it is, eventually, worth it.

[ClareMaggieE]

Thank you very much... all of you. I feel a little better today... but whoever said Limbo...yup. That is it absolutely. We are hoping for 3 or younger ages, but don't mind siblings, either sex. We are with a VA... with administration which is cataclysmic. It just feels so isolating.

This is the closest we have ever been to being parents so I am not going to give up yet... but my word... this is TOUGH.

[ClareMaggieE]

And thank you so much for those dates and all that information Italiangreyhound... great resource there! Many thanks!!!

[Italiangreyhound]

Great Clare glad you are feeling better.

It is a very difficult and really truly I am sure it will all be worth it.

Can I give some advice, please? Ignore if you want to.

You do really want the right match for you as a family so try very hard to relax, think of this waiting time as all part of the process.

Try and do all the fun and important things which will be harder when you have kids!

EG: Declutter - this is very important, your new child/ren will almost certainly come with stuff and will need more stuff so make space for this!

Do any minor decorating at home, making the garden how you want it, perhaps making space for a sandpit or whatever if you feel it is appropriate.

Enjoy things like a meal out with your hubby

Get your hair cut, visit the dentist etc etc.

All things that will be harder with little one/s in tow.

All the very best.

[ClareMaggieE]

That is good advice Italiangreyhound.

We have recently moved house (from a teeny one to a MUCH bigger one) and we are in the process of getting it all sorted. Decorating is on the list for after Christmas (I really need to learn to love painting!) but the decluttering really happened when we left the old house. I refused to move with 12 years of junk following us! ;-) I was actually thinking about looking out for old jungle gyms and stuff that people might be getting rid of after Christmas so we can start to get the garden ready for a little person to arrive.

I must confess though, I have been doing those "eating out with the husband and being spontaneous" kind of things for the 12 years we have been married, thinking that we would have a baby at SOME point. One of the reasons we are adopting is because we have kind of done all that "fun" stuff and then looked at each other and thought "really? this is all there is?" If that makes sense?

Gosh it is so helpful to speak to others who have been in this situation!!