Low self esteem

[Buster510]

Morning all, long time since I last posted!

After almost 9 months with us now DS is really starting to become more settled / little signs of cheekiness etc are beginning to come out which is lovely (you mums will understand!)

He is a very confident boy, as in on the outside will chat very easily to anyone, will go up on stage in magic shows, has recently learned how to ride his bike & puts his head under water swimming! (Huge huge steps for him!)

However, he very obviously (to me) suffers from reallow self esteem. If others around him receive compliments (a lot of the time directed towards me) he will put it town / turn it into a negative, turn the attention around onto him as in "look at what I can do". Completely refuses to par take in any team / sports related fun despite absolutely loving playing those things.

He can't bare to "lose" invents competitions that don't even exist - walking down the path etc. suffers what appears to be real anxiety / jealousy when DH is home or even if I'm playing with his nans puppy. At school parties if a baby is to ever be in my path he will shoot straight over.

I give him lots of phrase she he does things fab, I.e wow that picture has a big lovely circle etc (he won't even doodle if others are as views it as a competition - an opportunity of him failing)

His swimming, riding, reading day to day great things he recieves phrase - possibly relying on it TOO much, in fact definitely relies on it everyday.

Reassurance is always given when needed (and more) "I always come back" etc - I know he's just repeating words I say as opposed to probably actually feeling it / likewise he really knows which buttons to press to make me feel guilty, so it's hard to know if he is actually destressed or not??

He recently went to a nurture group in school, which they all commented how great he was in it etc, but he now just has a whole new set of words, scared, happy, sad, jealous etc to which I feel he really does not know how to use / apply / feel them / randomly uses them in situations / conversations.

Like I said above on the outside he is ridiculously out going, bossy!!! Plays chats. Which is why most think I am absolutely nuts. But I honestly feel he really has low self esteem etc, which I can completely understand.

I just don't know how to help him with it. I don't even know if there's anything I can do to help him??

Have any of you experienced this??

Advice much appreciated as always.

[Buster510]

Just to add when I say he needs reassurance this is doing anything on a daily basis. Which he receives, am I doing the right thing here? I feel I'm feeding into the anxiety by providing him with that quick fix of reassurance to overcome whatever he is feeling in any given situation?

[fasparent]

Don't know your child's History, but seems too have many strengths, mainly individual as you describe, would work on these, has an obvious individual caricature perhaps just nudge in right direction, such as his understanding of other peoples feelings some kids are not as good as you etc. Team sports are not the be all and end, many children excel as individuals. Our DS was selected for team GB fluke we thought till he succeeded 3 years on the trot, Had too do all the demo's at school etc. He was worrying us for some time always arrogant never wrong, but was fearless and competitive. Has had too build his self esteem which was very gradual , he too loves riding pity the horse though still both have a great bond. Most individual activity's also have a social side too them, which is often overlooked and most children have similar interest , parents let go and the kids have fun coaches become mentors in many way's too.

[Italiangreyhound]

buster this is just off the top of my head but can you get some resources to help him know what different emotions are. EG faces that show scared, happy, sad, jealous etc and a few scenarios about when people my feel those emotions. EYFS / Special Needs 'Emotions' Fun Flash Cards x 16 in colour 13cm x 9cm cards

Talking about when people feel jealous etc or when they feel sad might help him in general, not necessarily when he is sad, just when other people are, e.g. a child who has dropped their ice cream cone in the sand on the beach etc might feel sad and also frustrated, they might say if only I had not dropped my ice cream etc.

As far as self esteem goes there are a lot of books and info on the internet that can help, this site is quite helpful loveourchildrenusa.org/teachingkidsselfesteem.php

I really think some of these ideas are great. From the website....

Here are a few tips you can try to enhance good self-esteem:

Compliment Notes
Give your child sticky notes with the following sentences are written:
Amy, you are good at . . . .
Bobby, I like the way you . . . .
Tommy, you are special because . . . .

How I Feel About Myself
Help your child realize that it’s normal to like and dislike various things about themselves. Point out that just because they don't like something about themselves, that it doesn't make them less wonderful or less likable.
Self-Love Sheet
At a daily sharing time have kids list things about themselves they like. They should share this with a sibling or entire family.

Behaviors That Build Self-Esteem
The following are behaviors that help to build strong self-esteem:

SMILES
HUGS
EYE CONTACT
TOUCHING
PRAISE
ACCEPTANCE
WARMTH
LISTENING
QUALITY TIME
ENCOURAGING
BEING SUPPORTIVE
COMMUNICATING
NO PUT-DOWNS
COOPERATING
NON-JUDGMENTAL ATTITUDES
GIVING RESPONSIBILITY
RESPECTING OTHERS

I think it is important that the child builds up their own sense of self worth and not just receiving praise, but knowing how and when to praise themselves. We are quite bad at this in England. We tend to think it is a bit big headed to toot our own horn! How silly of us, of course we need to say what we are good at, just a simple way that doesn't put others down. I think kids can find this hard, my kids always seem to want to say how they are better than someone else, rather than just that they are good at something!

So as well as praising appropriately and encouraging I think it can help to say to kids things like 'I feel proud of myself when I do this or that well.' and saying to kids 'You did that so well, I am proud of you, you must be proud of yourself because last time we tried you could not do it and now after lots of effort you have done it.' etc.

Now I am aware that for some children who have experienced trauma etc this can be very difficult and so there may be some special ways of doing this for adopted or traumatised children. Hopefully, someone wiser than me may be able to help.

I would also explore if there are any other issues like anger, negativity or worry as factors. They may well not be but if they are We have used this book - What to Do When Your Temper Flares: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Problems with Anger

www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-Temper-Flares-What/dp/1433801345?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

I am not sure if these books might help with other issues that may influence self esteem

I have not read these books but they look good and may help if a child is very negative.

What to Do When You Grumble Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Negativity

www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-You-Grumble-Much/dp/1591474507/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety

www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_z?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

All are 'What to Do Guides for Kids' by Dawn Huebner (Author) and Bonnie Matthews (Illustrator).

I just feel negativity or worrying could lead to feeling out of control which could lead to low self esteem.

Buster it's a bit of a 'brain-dump' as always ignore anything you don't like! Including the word 'dump' !!!