Knowing the right age - how do you really 'know'?

[PootlewasthebestFlump]

We are starting our prep course next week and have expressed an interest in adopting a sibling pair aged anywhere from 2 to 6.

We have no kids and don't know what our chances are of adopting 2 children.

We both know lots of children in the family (my DH is like some kind of Mr Tumble, kids love him!) and I've worked a lot with children.

He is thinking older -age 5-7, I am unsure. I know I don't hanker after a baby or a very young toddler, just doesn't seem 'me'.

I really like children as they get older, more chatty, mobile, interesting.

But how do you 'know', really? Will the SW help guide us? If we go for older, could we regret missing out on toddling, learning words and other milestones?

It feels like an inexact science and I am wobbling a bit about how we will know if we have made the right choice.

I look at BMP and am naturally more drawn to older children. But what if we are wrong???

How did anyone else know what was the right thing for them? I know it's not like 'shopping around' but from the off we were asked about age groups etc. I went with my gut but age 2-6 is a huge range.

[Kewcumber]

I don;t think there's really an answer to this but I'm sure some of the sibling adopters will come along later and tell you their experiences. But I can tell you that there isn't really a "right" age or child or sex, especially when you're talking about a sibling group because you might see one sibling group of 6 and 4 and decide for some reason that they aren't right for you when you then get offered a 7 and 1 year old who just hit the spot.

I think you have to remain open minded and look at profiles fresh each time.

(Not very helpful!)

I ended up adopting a child who had exactly one of the issues I told my social worker I would find most difficult (extreme prematurity) because when it came to it, the issues remaining from his prematurity after certain issues were rules out were those that I felt I could deal with.

[PootlewasthebestFlump]

Thanks Kew - I think my thoughts chime with that really, as it seems more like the child and the personality, interests, issues, etc are more important.

If they seem right for those reasons I guess age takes a back seat.

Perhaps it seems harder in the earlier stages as its a question that comes up a lot.

Knowing us by the end we'll have adopted a 12 year old...

I am hoping we get approved for a pair as I hear lots get turned down for more than one. We are very quiet and I think a single child could be bored.

They asked us about twins too which would be fab but rare I guess.

[Kewcumber]

I know of someone who adopted baby triplets!

[RooCluckers]

Hi, we adopted a sibling group, oldest 4 and youngest was just under 2. I agree with Kew that you form ideas in your head and then when it comes to it you end up picking the profile that seems right. Some of the profiles we saw were everything we said we were looking for but didn't seem quite right!
I'm sure you've discussed this with SWs but we found that we were able to bond with our youngest a lot easier and our oldest child has attachment difficulties and some post traumatic stress issues as a result of being in the birth family for longer and then issues in foster care and I gather the older the children the more likely such issues are. Dealing with it all and managing daily life is harder than I thought it would be. If we adopted again I would be making sure the child was younger rather than older.
Good luck with everything.

[RooCluckers]

OMG, the thought of triplets, yikes!!

[FamiliesShareGerms]

We thought we wanted an older child, but actually the right one (DD) was 15 months, which is pretty little really. SW will help you work through the pros and cons of an older child, but there is something about knowing when you see them.

[PootlewasthebestFlump]

Triplets! That's a step too far for me!

I don't mind older children having 'more issues' as in a way I'm used to children with difficulties (including attachment) as I'm a youth counsellor (among other things).

I'm less experienced with littlies though.

I'm definitely open minded but age does seem a big factor in the kind of life we might have - time off work, input, levels of care.

I should stop musing on it I guess and see what happens in 6 months or so!

It's such a life-changing decision though, its hard not to imagine...!!!

[silverlinings79]

We are going through same thing but a factor we are now adding in is that as have to (and want to!) take a year off work, if both in school would it be better to have atleast one at home while off and therefore one under 3?!?! I think it is really hard to decide. But I do agree with other posters, believe it will definitely come down to the right profile that stands out in the end, not age, gender, or needs. Good luck

[Lilka]

2-6 doesn't seem a big range to me, but then again when I adopted DD1 my age range was ~3-12 (and with DD2 it was primary school age, 4-11), and my SW spent some time making absolutely sure I really was okay with that range because it was bigger than most people have. But for me, it was more simple - I didn't feel ready for a teenager, and I didn't feel that I wanted to parent a baby if I could parent an older child. I felt that the childs personality and background etc were much more important, and I didn't want to miss out on the right match because of age.

Having said that, as a single mum saying she was happy with kids aged 7+ I'd pretty much guarunteed that I was only going to get shown profiles of older kids. I never saw a profile of a child at the youngest in my age (but I was okay with that, because I really was happy with a much older child). I ended up adopting a 10 year old girl, then another girl who turned 8 during intros

I wrote 2 blog posts about things to consider if you are thinking of older kids - sorry, it's just too long to copy/paste bits here, but if I had the space I really would just repeat this here - 1 and 2

Do I miss baby/toddler stage? Well, I hope this makes sense, but both yes and no. In a general sense, I don't have any ache to parent a baby or toddler, and I adopted a 23 month sibling on my DD2 and TBH I've enjoyed parenting a lot more as he's got to school age. I know I was right to specify older children when I adopted, and if I were to adopt again, I can't imagine I would be asking for a baby under 2.

BUT I do feel so sad that I was not there when MY children were babies. I don't even have photos of my DD1 before she's in school. I love my kids more than life itself and I ache to have been there for them since their first day of life, and protect them, and experience their every moment.

I wonder if spending some more time with children of different ages might help? If there's any way you could spend time with some 4-6 years olds AND 1-2 year olds (ish), you may find a desire to experience parenting the younger age (or maybe you won't)

With a sibling group - there are lots of sib groups out there, and being flexible with age range will likely be helpful. Remember you don't have to specify the same age range for all the children in a sibling group. You can specifiy something like - A sibling group of 2, with one child being under 3 years old, and the other being aged under 6. If you wanted to experience the younger age but were also very happy with older kids?

[PootlewasthebestFlump]

Silver we have the same thoughts - would I feel happy waving 2 off to school and being home alone? I'm thinking a pre-schooler and one at school might be right.

Kew thank you for your posts - I will have a look through when not having my dinner. We have seen children grow up with friends and as they get older (4 plus) we seem to enjoy their company more. I really love early years at primary - story time, learning through play, learning about interactions etc. and their funny little chatty ways.

As our agency looks nationally it will really be a case of what we get approved for and what matches come up. Match will be the most important thing.

[Kewcumber]

The thing is spending time with other peoples children doesn't in anyway give you insight into how life with your child is going to be. Really it doesn't. Even if your job involves children with attachment problems I can promise you that it completely different living with it 24/7 and parenting a child with those needs. To be frank spending significant time with other children before having one myself was almost enough to convince I shouldn't be a parent at all!

I'm not in any way trying to talk you out of older children, lets face it they need competent parents every bit as much as a younger child - maybe more so.

But it undoubtedly easier to bond with a younger child. And I speak as someone struggled to bond initially with my 11 month old and also is way better at the older stuff when they talk! When they are very little you don't really have any choice but to care for them 24/7 because they can;t manage on their own. Bonding is pretty much inevitable because there's just no way around it! School age children are more self sufficient and whilst they might need to bond every bit as much as a toddler you really have to work at it much harder.

I'd also warn you that there is no inevitability (as I'm sure you do know) that an older child will fit in with your life better - really you have no idea. Younger children tend to be more adaptable or maybe you end up being trained in their ways over time (thinking of countless Sunday morning rugby matches freezing my arse off).

[PootlewasthebestFlump]

Well, I don't really doubt any of those things.

I don't think anything prepares you for parenthood no matter how your children come into your life.

But when considering adoption you have to consider things that were we able to have our own child, we would not even contemplate.

[Lilka]

I don't know, I know a couple adopting who were unsure about age, and as they progressed, spending time with relatives toddlers and babies helped them realise that they really wanted to parent a child aged 0-2. Meeting and interacting with little ones can make you feel that actually, yes, you would like to parent this age yourself. Which is why I suggested perhaps interacting with some 1-2 year olds. I wouldn't ignore a desire to experience young ages, because you won't miss out on older ages by choosing a younger child

Of course, it also depends on what your DH ends up thinking, because it's important for you to both be comfortable with your chosen age range

[Italiangreyhound]

We were quite open, 0-5 but during the process it went kind of up and down! I started out thinking baby, then three year old (told there were no babies) then found there were toddlers and the occasional baby, and thought toddler, then baby, then toddler then ended up adopting a three year old (nearly 4)!

It was totally related to the 'issues' and what we felt we could cope with. We did not see the CPR for a single child who did not have some 'issues' or potential issues. So I think the real question is what do you think you can handle and that will guide you when you are reading details.

We ended up pretty much saying yes before we even saw a photo (having read all the information). Our ds is adorable so it was kind of nice to know we had not gone on his good looks!

[PootlewasthebestFlump]

We're quite surrounded by little ones and I don't think either of us are thinking about under 3s, to be honest. As children we know have grown there seems to be different things about different ages we take to, but babyhood has never had any appeal for some reason.

I'd be really surprised if we ended up going down that route but stranger things have happened.

Our SW said that most sibling pairs are in the younger age groups at the moment but this changes year by year.

We both might do some voluntary work in the 3-8 age range if we can squeeze it in just to get some practise and see how we feel.

So much to think about...

[silverlinings79]

Just to give you an idea of number of children waiting nationally, on the adoption-link website there are 44 sibling groups of 2 waiting, 12 of those have a youngest child who is 1/2, 8 of those have a youngest child who is 3 and the other 24 are all 4 or over, therefore school age. Not all children are on this website ofcourse, but gives you an idea. Personally I wouldn't worry too much now, our age range changed every couple of weeks until we got to panel. We have found it best to rule out what we are really not too keen on and then have a big age range anyway - like you, the baby stage is not a big deal for us, we love it when they are a little older and you really see their little personalities and I think most new mums on maternity leave don't get to take the big time off in that fun stage, whereas adoption leave allows that!! unless you're lucky enough to never have to return to work part time or otherwise, which unfortunately financially would not be an option for us. Once you start looking at profiles for matching you'll soon start to realise who you are naturally drawn towards

[silverlinings79]

And when I say 'naturally drawn towards' I mean the children themselves rather than the age, that seems to be secondary in the thought process when it comes down to it

[PootlewasthebestFlump]

Thanks Silver - that sounds encouraging.

I am trying not to over think things (not my greatest strength!) and see how things go. I agree that profiles, difficulties, development wtc will be more important factors.

I'm not on AUk yet but our agency is national so when it gets closer to the time we will join up.

[Mrmenmug]

I think reading the profiles gives you a good indicator of what feels right. Try and keep an open mind and you will naturally be drawn to some more than others. Ours were 3 and 4 and it's a delightful age. Walking talking energetic bundles of fun!!
I never wanted babies, I love the verbal interaction with my children. Also if you take adoption leave for a child/children under school age, you can bond much faster and spend a greater initial time with them.
Good luck with your decision, it will come naturally, I think.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

We weren't sure of our age range, so said 1 or 2 children aged 0-7, but we wanted one to be pre school (at least 6months at home before starting school). I always really imagined a 4 and a 6 year old.

When it came to it we were placed with an (almost) 8 and a 2.5 (who was a big baby really as still had bottles, nappies, and limited speech) , so one older and one younger than we imagined. But everything felt right.

As DD2 has got older I have realised how much we missed out on with DD1. Also it was harder to bond with DD1 as she was older & more independent & generally more 'formed'.

My suggestion is keep your age range as wide as you can - would you really turn down a 6+1 if everything else was good?

[KristinaM]

I suggest that you also think about what has happened to the children in the years before you get them, rather than just focussing on whether you like 4 yo rather than 1yo.

It's not so much what YOU have missed out on , it's what has happened to them during those years , that may affect them ( and you ) for life

Also remember that it's easier to assess the level of SN in an " older" child

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Yes to what Kristina wrote.

With DD1 we missed out on giving her input in her early years. So she had great big cognitive holes. Also less feeling of general security etc.
However she did not have any clear SN whereas DD2 was more of a leap of faith.

[PootlewasthebestFlump]

Kristina those areas are ones I have already considered and I'm fairly sure about experiences, background and presenting problems I would feel able to deal with, realistically. My DH hasn't thought about those things or their implications yet so we have to wait to see where we match and where we differ.

The child's experiences were the first things I'd considered but it still leaves many other unknown aspects, age being just one.