A local mum I see at groups is adopting her dc who is a similar age to my ds. She's lovely, as is her dc, and the little ones get on well. We're likely to meet at the school gate etc as it's not that big a community, and I'd like to think the kids could be friends.
Trouble is, I'm worried I'm going to put my foot in it and inadvertently upset her. With the other mums I know, we compliment each other on baby weight lost, how's breastfeeding going (if relevant) etc which is obviously not the right topic of conversation in this instance. I've said that her bond with her dc is obviously very strong, and how well her dc is progressing generally. Is there anything I shouldn't say? Or stuff I can mention that will build her confidence? I have very very little experience of the whole thing, and it seems to be a very hard decision to make so I've got a lot of respect for her for choosing that path haven't met her oh!)
Please may I have some advice? Thank you 
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
Adoption
How do I compliment my friend who's adopting?
PurplePidjin · 20/03/2014 17:53
Is she recently placed, and what age approx?
I just wanted to know I was doing OK, especially with my younger one who was 2.5.
Are any of these suitable (without sounding patronising)
- you look really confident doing xyz
- oh you handled that tantrum really well
- DC looks so happy and relaxed with you
- I'm impressed you got DC to come away without a fuss, mine wouldn't!
- DC has really grown he must feel settled
Also maybe give opportunity to sound friendly and open without too probing?
eg Do you find the SW visits a real pain?
Is DC sleeping well?
So give her an opportunity to share or ask questions if she wants to.
Don't say she looks like a 'real mum', or that her DC is 'lucky', or ask why the DC had to be adopted, and you'll be fine.
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The best way to be is normal! I would not mention the baby weight, breastfeeding, child birth stories as although as it just leaves some adopters feeling a little awkward. Try not to over analyse things too much and be as relaxed as possible. She is a mum, you are a mum, just leave it at that and the rest will follow
My ds is 16 months, her dc is a bit younger. I don't want to give away too many details because she may well be on these boards and I'd hate her to think I was discussing her - I'm trying not to, just want a bit of guidance on how best I can act iyswim? Dc has been permanently placed for several months now and the process is very nearly concluded :)
Teen that's the kind of thing I'm doing and ARGH at people saying "real mum" - she IS the real mum, she clearly adores her dc and vice versa! She's shared the reasons dc was adopted, so I'm leaving any discussion of why she chose that route for her to volunteer iyswim. We have another friend who is open about IVF, I'm open about the fact that ds took us by surprise a couple of years earlier than planned, so it's up to her how much she reveals about her personal circumstances.
I'm just in from work so will read the links properly tomorrow, thank you.
MyFeet that is spectacular! What an advert to put in that particular place :o
Luckily we're a bit past the birth stories and breastfeeding hell part. I do try to treat her like everyone else (am a youth worker so quite good, at least when I'm paying attention) but occasionally my mouth runs away before my brain's had a chance to contribute and there's more chance of causing serious if accidental hurt with her than other parents. If that makes sense?
PS would it be insensitive to ask if they're planning a sibling? It's something that's starting to come up in general conversation...
crazee ds is "brown" beige according to 6yo dn (I'm white, dp is black). You wouldn't believe the number of people who complimented his suntan last summer 
Seriously, is it more likely that he's mixed race or that I let him lie around in the midday heat with no clothes or sunblock on?!
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