Adopting a 10yo - any advice on helping him settle in?

[TulaTula]

Hi all, I'm new to mumsnet and adopting a child. It's been a busy month! In 3 weeks a 10 year old boy is coming to live with us, which is both incredibly exciting and quite daunting... His previous placement of 7 years broke down, and he's spent the last 12 months with foster carers and in a home. We've only met him a few times - he's such a nice kid, but still bewildered about why the only parents he's ever known don't want him. My DH has a 12yo daughter who lives in another town but visits regularly. I wondered if you lovely adoptive mums out there could give me any advice on settling an older child into their new home, dealing with common issues etc. (He's so keen to have a new family but will struggle to believe this is, finally, his forever home.) Thanks so much.

[Lilka]

Hello and welcome

Pleased to 'meet' another person adopting a child in double digits! My eldest daughter was 10 years old when she came to live with me. Spent 4 years in care before coming to me, including one adoption disruption.

First of all, how well is he being prepared for this? It's very unusual for a child to be adopted in such a situation as your son. Of course feel free not to answer on a public forum, but it is essential that he's had some life story work done and he has been prepared for this latest move. Even better if he's had therapy or other CAMHS sessions etc. He's been through so much confusion and I'm not surprised he's struggling to make sense of any of it.

My DD1 just could not believe that I really was her 'last mother' for years and years. I'd say she was about 16/17 before she truly felt secure that I would never stop being her mum. Attachment, trust, feelings of safety..these are all things that can take a very long time to develop with an older child, of course also depending on their history, amount of moves etc. He has no reason to believe that this placement is not going to break down in a couple of months or a couple of years, and there's nothing you can say that will change that. Only your actions will mean anything IME.

Intros with an older child and setlling them are really very exciting and daunting! I was terrified the first time I met DD1, I kept imagining that as soon as I left, she would turn to her FC and say "I don't like her, I don't want to go and live with her!" She didn't! But still, there's more pressure when your child is old enough to have opinions on you!

I wrote a blog post about intros with an older child and tips, based on my own experience (I adopted a second older child when my DD1 was 18, DD2 turned 8 during our introductions) - if you want to have a read, it's here

[Lilka]

No idea why that "and setlling them" is there, ignore it, it should just say "intros with an older child are really.."

I need to go and see DD2 right now, but I'll have a think through the 'settling them in' part and post some more later or at least by tomorrow evening. Sorry!

[KristinaM]

I agree with everything Lilka said. And would reiterate her point that this child need some therapeutic work to help him consider what has happened in his life. I assume this will have started while he has been in FCC but it needs to continue .

I also hope you have received some specialist training in attachment and in dealing with the challenging behaviours which this child has.

You will need very good links with his school . Have you had an inter agency meeting with them? If he needs a classroom assistant they should also be part of the planning process.

You need to liaise carefully with his foster carers and consider what kind of ongoing relationship you will have with them and also with his first adoptive family.

I strongly suggest that you do not rush to get an adoption order , but give the child time to settle with you. It may well be that his interest are best served by staying with you on a permanent fostering basis , as you are more likely to get the support and help that you may need.

I wish you all well

[Italiangreyhound]

TulaTula hi, hope all goes well.

Are you doing any preparation with your step daughter? I am sure you are. I can't add anything as am not an adopter, but I am a birth mum to a child of 9 and I know that they can get jealous so hope you are working on that aspect too (ensuring they both deal with with the new home life situation).

[TulaTula]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all your sage advice! Suspect I'll be needing a lot more as time goes on... And Lilka, was hoping to "meet" you - I've read some of your other posts and knew you'd been in a similar situation. Shall have a look at your blog tonight.

We don't actually live in the UK, so we're not strictly adopting or offering permanent fostering - it's kind of a mix of the two, designed to get more kids, particularly older ones, out of the foster system. We will become his legal guardians, alongside his BM (who isn't in touch), and will also have access to ongoing help for the next few years.

Kristina, he's been receiving regular counselling for about 10 months, and has a classroom assistant. They're both helping a lot. (No extra training for us - eek.) Sadly, his first adoptive family have other issues so won't be involved ongoing, and since last year he's been in a children's home where the carers recently changed so no attachments there either. He really does have no-one close to him.

Italian, I've read some of your posts on other threads - good luck with everything. How are you progressing? My step daughter is beside herself with excitement, so have to manage her expectations, and the inevitable jealousy when that rears its head - she's imagining the perfect playmate!

Phew, sorry to ramble on. So much to think about.

[TulaTula]

Children's home - I meant, no adult attachments. Will try to keep in touch with any kids he's made friends with.

[Italiangreyhound]

Tula good luck.

Yes, my DD has a very rosy view of it all, trying to keep it all in perspective! No news for us. In a way although the waiting is horrible it is Ok because I hope by the time whomever arrives I will be ready. It's a process and I feel stronger for the wait (although not happier!). Thanks for asking.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Oh, I don't have any wise words for you, but really good luck for the next few weeks (and beyond).