Wobbly

(9 Posts)

Hi there, we have 2 daughters. One is our birth child, one is our adopted daughter. DD1 was almost 5 when dd2 arrived, then aged 14 months.

DD1 was assessed as part of the adoption procedure. She has special needs and disabilities. She adores her sister, although they will squabble (as siblings do!)

I love them both very much. DD1 is now 12 (rising 13) and dd2 is 9.

Good luck OP

ChoudeBruxelles Mon 23-Dec-13 08:34:44

Thank you all. Going to not worry about it til the new year now and enjoy Christmas with my gorgeous ds

Devora Sun 22-Dec-13 23:43:38

Hi OP, what you are doing is completely terrifying, and nobody can give you any guarantees about how it will work out.

All I can tell you is that I had a birth daughter who was rising 5 when I adopted a baby girl. Over 3 years on, they are completely devoted siblings and dd1 is the most fantastic big sister.

Your ds will be assessed as part of the process.

Best of luck.

ChoudeBruxelles mmmmm I love Brussel Sprouts, makes me quite rare, I believe.

Your DS sounds completely normal. It is usual to change ones mind. Sorry about the miscarriage and the trying a long time. We had a miscarriage too, and tried for years. I always wanted to adopt but also wanted two biological children. Not sure DH would have gone for 3 in the end so maybe if I had had another we would not be adopting and I do now feel it is totally right for us.

There are definitely benefits for your DS in not being the only one, he may not be able to see it now but they will be there, I am sure.

At the end of the day it has to be what you and DP/DH want and your son will adjust.Maybe once further along it will all seem normal and when he feel he is not so keen just remind him of the times he is keen. The child will be there all the time but you and DS will still get special mummy and son moment when the new little one is asleep or with your DP/DH and then there will be new whole family moments and DS will get to be the big boy, maybe the super hero his little sibling looks up to. Apparently when my little sis appeared I hit her with a toy, I love her now! I am sure it will work out (she is 40 something and I have loved her for a long time!).

Good luck.

ChoudeBruxelles Sun 22-Dec-13 17:24:08

It means Brussel sprout (my normal name is choufleur which is cauliflower but a diminutive nickname in French).

We spent a long time trying for ds and after trying again for quite some time and a miscarriage decided we couldn't keep going for another biological child. We're perfectly happy just the three of us but I feel that we have enough to welcome another child into our family.

Ds flits between desperately wanting a siblings and the realisation that he wouldn't be the centre of attention if we had another

ChoudeBruxelles great name, what does it mean?

We are approved and not yet matched. Our DD (aged 9), 7 when we started this process, is desperate for a sibling and has been for a long time. She is totally on board with us adopting.

I would ask a few questions of you before replying.... why do you want to adopt? Is it the only way you could have another child? How does your son feel about a sibling?

You don't need to reply to me, I am just asking because it is good for you to think about these things in relation to your own situation.

Some people want another child and choose adoption as opposed to a birth child because they feel there is a good reason for it, others because it is the only option etc.

So I would say if you had another child in any way there is a sense your DS would have to come to terms with not being the only one and having to share your time and affection etc. Although some families have children closer to gether so there is not such a big age gap there are plenty of birth families out there where the gap between kids is 7 years or even more. So I guess I am saying in any situation where a child gets a sibling there is some adjusting to do.

Now, for adoption there are additional things to think about, uncertainties with the child you adopt etc, which I am sure you have heard about and read about.

Are there other things you have that are worrying you, you mention 'the adoption process detracting from him' - I think, if our situation is anything to go by, the process is quite straight forward and to a large part does not involve the birth child. We had to attend a prep group at the start and a parenting course at the end, which involved getting some child care/babysitting for our DD, and there was a meeting between social worker and our DD on a couple of occasions. Our lovely social worker brought pictures for her to colour and plants and seeds for the garden. Our DD did not feel stressed at all (as far as I know) and seemed OK with the process. The rest of the process, the meeting with social worker in your home, the checking of your home to see it is OK for kids (yes, werd when one already had a kid!), the medical, Disclosure and Barring Service (DBS) checks (previously CRB checks) and the references all do not affect the child already in the family, IMHO. Also the most stressful part for me was the process of attending exchange/matching events, looking at the CPR (child's Permanence Reports) of a child you may adopt and making choices. I personally feel this is the job of the parents and you need to make a choice on behalf of the whole family, so your son will not be put under any pressure here to choose a sibling if you and your DH/DP make the choice.

Finally, the biggest part the child will join your family and you will need to make the new child a priority for a time as you help them adjust to their new life and as you all adjust to them (the bit we have not yet got to so someone else will need to advise on that!). However, I would say, that if handled sensitively this could be a great time of growth and development for your son as he adjusts to this new part of life. He will be older by the time it happens and may well find this a challenge and also of use.

For example I am already getting my daughter to do more helping around the house in preparation of our new arrival (I am not telling her that is why) and am tackling certain habits she has which may not be helpful (like bad table manners which she will pass on to the new child if we don't sort them out!).

I have also promised her the grown up time once new child is in bed, when she will go to bed later and have time with us, etc. She is very excited by this.

All best wishes with whatever you decide to do.

fasparent Sun 22-Dec-13 13:09:38

Just completed transition of terrible two with a family of similar concern's, all went extremely well , BC was include in all aspect's,they sent us A4 pictures
we put them on the wall also they sent us a Video app., so children were great on 1st meeting (age gap of some 6 years) both were familiar somewhat with each other, just hit it off, on days out taken too places that both would enjoy and benefit from also left alone together as allow too interact . Been some months now all is going great a very a happy family.

Maryz Sun 22-Dec-13 11:38:27

Someone will be on in a bit to reassure you.

But I can tell you know that I don't know anyone who has adopted who hasn't had at least one major wobble. The entire thing is so scary, and takes so much time that you get time to think about it all. It's enough to frighten anyone.

But remember, you had good reasons when you started. They haven't changed, so don't panic just yet.

ChoudeBruxelles Sun 22-Dec-13 08:06:43

Dh and I made the decision to try to adopt earlier this year. We have a biological ds (7). I've had a complete wobble about it and how adopting will affect our son. I'm really worried about him feeling pushed out and the adoption process detracting from him.

Anyone else adopted in a similar situation who can let me know how it went for them?

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