Agh! Fuming!

(56 Posts)
Lilka Sun 10-Nov-13 13:29:29

She's really pulled one off this time

This week has been confrontational. She is controlling, oppositional and just nasty sometimes.

On Friday she got out the wrong side of bed and started calling me "cunt". As in, "What's for breakfast, cunt?" She knows what's for breakfast, she has the same damn breakfast every single morning. She just needed an opportunity to call me names. First I tried "I'm not answering your questions unless you call me something polite" so she started yelling and throwing things. She came home from college, and started the same thing again. So I decided to change tactics and refused to answer to anything except 'cunt'. She said "hey fuckwit" and I ignored her and when she repeated it I informed her that since my new name was cunt, she must address me as 'cunt' before I talk to her. This momentarily stunned her and then she started tantrumming again. I kept it up all evening. DD1 came round alone for dinner as a mini break from parenting, and I bribed her into joining in, which she thought was very funny. "Hey, cunt, can you pass me the salt please?" etc. Hasten to add, DS was round a friends house for dinner, so he didn't hear this. DD2 was so angry that her attempt at being mean backfired badly that eventually she just yelled at DD1 "oh my god, stop calling her cunt, muuuummmm she's being rude to you". And then stomped off. I privately savoured the victory. I should have known she'd do something else

Yesterday she stood and watched me brush my teeth and wash my face. She literally stared at me. It was unnerving

She did the same thing this morning

A couple of hour ago, DS ran downstairs to inform me that he'd just seen DD2 dunking and rubbing my toothbrush in the toilet. FFS.

I stopped being creative and yelled at her. While she screamed that she didnt do it. Even though my toothbrush was wet so it was kind of obvious.

Then I went in to talk to her and she made it very obvious (while attempting to deny all knowledge) that she did it on Friday evening as revenge for me raining on her swearing parade and watched me brushing my teeth yesterday and today to savour the victory

I am so fucking angry. And disgusted.

She has lost her pocket money and savings from her piggy bank. I took her to the supermarket with me and her money and she watched me spend it on a new toothbrush

Then i spent 15 minutes brushing my teeth again with my nice new toothbrush. Which is now locked in the medicine cabinet.

She is STILL mad. Now she is angry that she has lost her pocket money because her horrible evil mother is mean to her for no reason hmm I feel like she is building up to a mega tantrum/rage and until she gets that out her system she is not going to calm down. This is a bit scary.

The main point of this is - I had toilet water in my mouth and I am SO PISSED OFF ABOUT IT.

Rant end angry

RandomMess Sun 10-Nov-13 20:07:54

sad

I know, and I get the rage when people post "all they need is love"

I want to scream and shout and swear and shake them hard and say "no, they are emotionally brain damaged and love on it's own isn't going to be enough"

and the other thing that gives me the rage is when they go on about a mothers right to breast feed her baby, have it with her in prison, not have social services take babies away a few days after birth. I just feel that these posters have no idea what some peoples lives are like angry

I just wish I had enough in me to actually help a child in that boat.

Maryz Sun 10-Nov-13 20:16:08

I wouldn't be had I got pregnant easily.

I never made a decision to help a child. I just selfishly wanted one.

RandomMess Sun 10-Nov-13 20:21:45

Yes I know, I understand but I just think of the older teens in care, who haven't gone off the rails and wish I had the money and space and personality to offer them a half way house.

Never did understand why we have that insane selfish desire to want dc, I mean it defies all logic!

Moomoomie Sun 10-Nov-13 21:08:14

Maryz... It is interesting that you question your sons ASD diagnosis. Children that have FASD tend to show signs of ADHD and ASD often dyspraxia and dyslexia too.
If a child is exhibiting behaviours of both ADHD and ASD and there is a history of alcohol, the signs are of FASD.
It is really only very recently that more research is being done in the
Uk.

Lilka Mon 11-Nov-13 12:05:34

Oh she's back at college

The JOY!!

She had the gall to tell me a list of things I will be buying for christmas (that's how she phrased it!) on the way out.... <rolleyes>

Andro Mon 11-Nov-13 14:23:15

and I get the rage when people post "all they need is love"

Even when you adopt a child who's bio mum didn't have drug or alcohol issues, that child (or in my case children - I adopted bio siblings) need a damn sight more than just love <looks at DS who has had grief counseling, trauma counseling, phobia therapy, amnesia for years (now resolved) and still has PTSD as well as a fully packed 'go bag' in case he has to leave without notice>

All they need is love...I wish!

Andro Mon 11-Nov-13 14:23:44

Lilka - you're doing great!

Lilka, you are fantastic. I just wanted to tell you that.

Kewcumber Tue 12-Nov-13 20:47:51

Lilka - no advice, except "Eeeeuuuw"

Hope that helps.

Kewcumber Tue 12-Nov-13 20:48:56

RandomMess - can I just saying ignore Maryz - she is not wonderful by her own admission. I however am bloody marvellous.

Lilka Tue 12-Nov-13 22:11:35

Totally true though Kew

and sympathies with the disgustingness are welcome grin

My lovely new toothbrush is NOT ever going to be outside the medical cabinet unattended until DD has left home...which isn't anytime soon

She blew this morning, big time. There's a new hole in her door. She didn't go to college. It lasted, ooh, two and a half hours?

The good news is, it's over now and she's not anywhere as oppsitional now. In fact, she's relative calm and we managed to pick up furniture together, tidy up together and she even let me touch her and brush her hair. And earlier this evening we managed another hair brush while talking a little bit about feelings

The highlight of our feelings conversations went mostly like this (she was sitting at my feet while I brushed):
She stamped her hand down on my foot

"Ouch"
"huh?..."
"You hit my foot with your hand, and it hurt"
"Oh...sorry"
"That's okay...why are you sorry?"
"I said sorry because i hit your hand"
"Right, that's how you use the word sorry, well done. How do you feel inside when you say sorry"
........silence
"DD?"
"Uh...."
"Do you think that people feel something when they say sorry?"
"Umm...sorry isn't a feeling, is it? You say it when people get upset with you"

Its nice to get confirmation of what I really knew anyway, which was that she knows how to use sorry in theory, but doesn't feel the emotions. I don't believe she really feels remorse about anything.

But how do I work on that? I have no idea. Maybe it's too late and unfixable sad

Lilka Tue 12-Nov-13 22:13:04

ps. Kew you are awesome. Sit on your throne of awesomness and we will all bask in the halo of light grin

pps. I am bloody exhausted. Bed, bed, bed, bed, bed, bed...

Maryz Tue 12-Nov-13 22:14:19

That's the type of conversation I used to have with ds back in the dim dark past when he actually talked to me sad

It's so odd to talk to someone who genuinely has no instinctive idea of what the fuck you mean.

KosmoKramer Tue 12-Nov-13 22:20:21

God, you lot are brilliant.

KosmoKramer Tue 12-Nov-13 22:21:10

And I have poached all of your teenage parenting tips to use on my own ASD teen.

Lilka Tue 12-Nov-13 22:30:41

It's so odd to talk to someone who genuinely has no instinctive idea of what the fuck you mean

Yes!!

She can appear normal sometimes...i mean, imagine I hadn't asked her "Why are you sorry?" and you just read the conversation up until that point..she would appear normal, because over the years I (and various therapists and teachers) have managed to teach her some appropriate reactions eg. when to say sorry. But that just disguises the fact that the feelings aren't there

DD1 has a very good relationship with me now, but she used to seriously struggle and definite attachment issues. It was clear to me that the actions were faked, but other people just found her to be a normal friendly girl.

One day she came home and said her friend was talking about how she loved her mum so much and DD1 said, "but I don't know what she's talking about" sad

Maryz Tue 12-Nov-13 22:40:57

Oh, God, Kosmo, don't use mine. Mine all went badly tits-up hmm

I realised ds had a big problem when he was about 6 and I had to teach him what to do in the playground.

He had to learn off by heart "What do you do if you knock someone down?" "I stop. I say 'are you ok?' I don't run off until they get up again."

I had to teach it to him.

And the day that I asked him why he hugged my mum (he hasn't hugged me since I think he was about 2, and hasn't let me hug him either) and he replied "because I've learned that she likes it".

[baffled]

ds loved the dog. And I think he loved ds2 when he was little. But that's about it. I don't think he knows what love is. And he certainly doesn't do remorse. As he said once, when he was quite small "I don't have to say sorry? Either something is an accident in which case I shouldn't have to say sorry, or I did it on purpose in which case I won't say sorry, because I meant to do it".

I should write a book about him, really [sigh]

Lilka Tue 12-Nov-13 22:45:39

Oh Maryz

What can you say to that? It's logically relatively sound. Just like i can't say 'actually, sorry IS a feeling' to DD because feelings are subjective and it's genuinely not a feeling to her. I can only frame it in terms of 'other people feel like this' which is tricky because of the empathy issue

Lilka Tue 12-Nov-13 22:47:28

I don't believe my DD has RAD by the way. The whole 'control issues, empathy issues, revenge issues' can sound a bit like RAD because I've had several people mention that to me already, but no, she does have attachment issues, and was assessed as having an ambivalent style, but I think it's a combination of attachment, PTSD and brain damage from alcohol which definitely affects this kind of thing

Maryz Tue 12-Nov-13 22:51:47

It's all a spectrum of behaviour isn't it?

I think a lot of these things sort of interact, and are all to do with wonky brain wiring, caused by various experiences and various things lacking at important developmental stages.

So it can be alcohol in pregnancy, lack of attention as a baby, whatever. The cause, and the diagnosis can be pretty irrelevant to the behaviour sad

Lilka Tue 12-Nov-13 22:52:58

I'd agree with that totally

Moomoomie Wed 13-Nov-13 10:10:08

Exactly Maryz, it is all neurological so there are no definitive answers.
I think we are all trying to do our best for our children, we learn by our mistakes.
Sometimes I would love to remove dd3 brain ( just for a short time!!) and really analyse it to find the answers.

fasparent Wed 13-Nov-13 10:42:47

DS was diagnosed FASD, came came home from school crying " In trouble again (age 12) why can't anyone help me , don't mean too upset
or hurt other's" CAMHS were next too useless, school exclusion's around 3 a term. School were great he did 11 GCSE's., Was a matter of using a large DIY Kit, lots of research, and praying . Is now an Adult with own family , Still has brain damage but has learn control.
Our Kids despite their horrendous start in life can survive with love and understanding of their conditions, and become responsible Adult's.

Maryz Wed 13-Nov-13 11:25:38

Yes, I'd like to take ds1's head apart, reattach a few of the screws that are loose <said tongue in cheek before anyone jumps on me hmm) and put it all back together properly.

I'm sure it's all there, it's just wired up wrong. It would be a particularly satisfactory jigsaw project.

I do hope you are right fas. I'm really struggling with ds atm. He just can't seem to get himself together at all out in the real world. School was awful, since he left it only seems to get more awful sad

Thumbwitch Wed 13-Nov-13 11:48:55

I may be well out of place suggesting anything here as I have no knowledge of the daily struggles you have with your children, but since a couple of you have mentioned PTSD I wondered if there was any benefit to be had from talking to a group called Talking 2 Minds. Although they were started by and for ex-service people, they do also deal with civilian cases and they might be able to offer something to your children? If they can't themselves, they might know of another similar organisation who could.

I know some of you are very self-deprecating but I think you're wonderful for looking after these damaged children and doing your utmost to help them, despite everything they throw at you. thanks and wine to you all.

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