Nursery worker leaving

[Happiestinwellybobs]

DD is 2.5 and has been at nursery for 9 months. After a wobbly few weeks she settled into the baby room and was allocated a key worker whom she bonded well with. We agreed a move to the toddler room after a few months, a move which came with a new key worker. It's a really small nursery (9 staff) so the change of key worker was okay, although she took a while to settle into that room - she has what we call "spirit" .

Anyway enough of the ramble... Whilst DD gets on with the 4 or 5 staff she sees lots of, she has well and truly bonded with one, let's call her Debbie. So much so, that on days when she isn't at nursery, she talks about her, asks whether Debbie can come out with us etc. Debbie is the first one she asks for on arrival at nursery, and talks about her on the way. You get the picture!

Anyway I have just found out that Debbie is leaving in a few weeks. I have no idea how to break this to DD, I just don't think she will understand. The idea of someone with whom she has such a strong attachment leaving her has unexpectedly upset me too, daft I know.

This is another of those " will her being adopted make a difference" situations.... Any ideas?

[Boobybeau]

I totally understand why this is worrying you. May be have a word with Debbie and ask if there is anyway of meeting up in the park or something a few times so she doesn't just disappear out her life and she can just gradually see her less. It's so hard because people do come and go out of our lives but maybe nows not the time to learn this lesson? children are amazing at surprising us with their coping mechanisms so maybe if you explain debbie has to go and play at another nursery and she makes her a good bye card she will understand a bit better.

[okthen]

I think your dd will surprise you with how pragmatic she is! Children are very 'in the moment'. My dd adored her childminder and talked about her all the time- but after two years+ of going to her house 3 days a week, when she stopped going she barely gave CM a second thought! This was after me worrying she'd be sad. She'll say sometimes 'I use to go to [cm]'s house, now I don't!'. Perhaps if you just deal with it in a v matter of fact/positive way, dd won't pick up any vibes that this is a sad thing or a loss, and will take it in her stride...

[Happiestinwellybobs]

Thank you both. I am planning on making a goodbye card, and will try and remain really positive about it with DD.

She does seem quite resilient about most things, so hopefully she will be about this change too. Thankfully I have a couple of weeks to start thinking about putting the idea in DD's head :)

[flossymuldoon]

I have been having some issues with my DS after a lot of children left nursery to go to school. I didn't realise what it was at first as I just assumed that he wasn't going to school and therefore didn't have a major transition that it would be one. It has been a big blow for him and there have been lots of adoption questions etc, so we are working closely with nursery to help him feel more safe and secure again.

You'll know if she's struggling with it by her behaviour.

There are some photos that my DS can look at of his old friends and we have driven past the school where his close friends have gone to. We have also been talking about them a lot, i upped the nurture and he is starting to come around a bit now.

I find that telling my DS things as early as possible helps prepare him for when things actually happen.

[Happiestinwellybobs]

Thanks flossy and hope DS is okay :)

[okthen]

Ps By coincidence, after I posted on this thread, my dd asked today if her former childminder was dead!! In a curious, rather than upset way!

[Kewcumber]

I think you need to be careful with assuming that our children as "being pragmatic" if they don;t appear outwardly upset.

I regret some decisions actions I took when DS was in the 1-3 age range. I used to think that he really didn't have too many issues with abandonment/separation. It became apparent over time that in fact he accepted people leaving with equanimity because thats really all he had learnt - everyone leaves. It was more resignation than anything else.

Many non-adopted children accept changing people in their life because they have learnt to trust that family is constant but other less important people in their life might change. Adopted children often don't have this absolute certainty so anyone moving away from them can trigger feelings of anxiety and insecurity.

It took me a while to work out DS was very anxious about change because he shows it in ways which aren't obviously linked to the change.

Taking photos of them together so that you can revisit together. Start talking now about this woman leaving to go and work somewhere else. Extra nurturing and bed time stories about how family is forever or something like that.

Even at 2.5 yrs I always found talking to DS to be very helpful in helping him process what was happening.

[Boobybeau]

I think kewcumber has good point. Most children can except change but I think a little more sensitivity is needed for adopted children x

[Happiestinwellybobs]

Thanks Kew. I broached the subject last night whilst we were having cuddles on the sofa. She seemed okay, but as you say, I'm never sure what's running through her mind. I will keep talking it through with her. Photos are an excellent idea.

It's just come at a difficult time, as we are going away next week, which she is very excited about - not our first holiday, but our first one abroad. I've been preparing her for that, showing her pictures of where she will be sleeping, where mummy & daddy will be, the pools etc. We will then just have three days at nursery before her nursery worker leaves.

[okthen]

So sorry op- I somehow missed the part about your dd being adopted. I think kewcumber speaks sense on this