And tonight DD contacted her birth mum again

(11 Posts)
Lilka Fri 06-Sep-13 20:20:26

On Facebook. She says she thinks she's forgiven her now

It just could not last could it? sad

Sorry to hear that. Hope you will be able to get ongoing help. Any charities that can mediate?

Devora Fri 06-Sep-13 22:16:38

Oh no. Lilka, I'm so sorry to hear that.

What did you say to her?

Lilka Fri 06-Sep-13 22:47:57

It's so hard because she loves her birth mum and has all these conflicting emotions at once. We've talked a bit more now. She's confused - she's been worrying about how birth mum is doing and a big part of her is desperate to cling to her. She wants to be told 'I love you' etc. But she says thinking about it makes her stomach feel funny. She can't tell me what 'funny' means.

I privately also can't help thinking she's drawn to the dysfunction like a moth to a light bulb sad

I suggested that she take things slow and only write/email/facebook etc at the moment. I suggested she not use her (new because of what happened before!) phone for contact, and not meet up for a while. I did say that I am here for her and want to support her. I told her I am only suggesting these things because i am worried about her and don't want her to get hurt like last time.

In my head - fuck. I'm so worried for her. I feel sick. I am frightened of another horrible incident like at the start of June

holycowwhatnow Sat 07-Sep-13 00:01:54

Noooooo! I saw the title and my heart sank. I have no words of any kind of wisdom. Just I'm sorry.

Meita Sat 07-Sep-13 13:05:08

sad
I hope she at least lets you guide her along the way this time.

Not really knowing you, I'd still hazard the guess that she can only venture into such emotionally stormy lands because she feels safe of/with you. You're her rock. It must be all the more painful to watch her fall and hurt sad

I'm sorry, and hope it won't be too bad. Maybe she has learnt something from last time? <clings to hope>

Lilka is it time for a adult only discussion/conference with the bm to talk about it? With a social worker/therapist/someone?

Lilka Sat 07-Sep-13 14:03:37

Thanks for the support

Social services had basically washed their hands of the situation by the time DD was hospitalised in June, so I don't anticipate them doing anything now. I think trying to involve them might be pointless now

I hope DD will take it much slower now and she will be warier but I just don't know

Bananaketchup Sat 07-Sep-13 16:22:00

Lilka so sorry to see this, thinking about you.

Maryz Sun 08-Sep-13 17:29:56

It's a bit like someone in an emotionally abusive relationship, isn't it sad. Where a woman loves her husband so is prepared to overlook or "forget" some of the things he does. It is practically impossible to make such a person realise that they are being badly treated.

I think all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces, and hope that as your dd grows and matures she will come to the right conclusion and back off a bit.

Can you still control where she goes when she is out? Because you are walking a fine line between wanting to forbid a meeting, and not wanting her to lie to you about meeting with her bm.

I don't suppose there is any chance of her birth mother keeping a sensible distance is there?

Lilka Sun 08-Sep-13 17:52:21

She doesn't go out a lot - I don't have a lot of control over where she goes when she does, but because of her anxiety issues she tends to stick to familiar places (shops, playpark, cinema etc) and not stay out late at night. When she was seeing her mother earlier this year I was amazed how much they went out - but they tended (with a few exceptions like when DD went to mum's house) to stick to certain places DD liked or had been too lots before, and never out till all hours because she gets too anxious at night.

Mum isn't going to keep her distance. She's delighted DD is back in contact. However she hasn't asked her to meet her yet or anything which I'm pleased about. They talked online yesterday as well, and I'm sure they will later tonight.

I don't think DD will be in a hurry to go back to her mum's house because of what happened there last time. I really hope she doesn't go there again

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