HELP! Did I handle this OK?

[Kewcumber]

DS announced yesterday that he wants to send a fathers day card to his "first dad". Yikes!

Why are you NEVER prepared for this kind of thing despite knowing it's going to happen?

Setting aside my personal feelings of total guilt that I adopted him as a single adopter and deprived him of a father [angsty angst emoticon]...

BM gave a false name and address and didn't name BF on birth cert so we really have no realistic expectation of knowing who either of his birth parents are or even if his BF knew about him.

So I said (excuse incoherent brain dump):

• yes of course you can make your father day card for him - but we don't know where he is and that makes it a bit tricky to send him anything. It was apparent to me that he really does want to post it. SO I have suggested that we can post it to the address we have although I have stressed that we are sure the address is false and we will never know if it reaches anyone.
  
• I have asked if he would prefer to send a card to my father who is a bit of a useless git but would probably rally himself to reply to a fathers day card which may give DS some satisfaction as he hasn't yet met him.
  
• I said that just because they haven't brought him up doesn't make his birth family not family (IYSWIM), he said "yes but they're not your family. So I said (which is true) - yes technically thats true but they feel like my family - a bit like marriage makes you a part of a different family I feel like adopting him made me a part of DS's first family.
  

I wondered if it was the need to make a card for "Dad" in school rather than Uncle which is what he has done in the past but I think perhaps not as when I asked he said he would make a card for his first Dad at home and one for my Dad in school.

I explained to him why it was possible his father didn't know about him because of the being pregnant fr 9 months thing (or 6 months in his case!) which of course lead on to exactly how do fathers get their "eggs" into the mother to make a baby!

My head hurts

Any considered advice?

[Kewcumber]

All of which I should add was prompted by a display in fathers days cards in M&S. Its barely April. Fathers Day is in fecking June isn't it?!

[KristinaM]

No advice,considered or otherwise

Sorry


< passes paracetamol >

[KristinaM]

Having briefing considered :

Who did he give the uncle card to in previous years and is that a positive relationship for him ?

Sorry, I think you're going to have to talk more to him about sex. It should be ok though as he's a bright and thoughtful kid.

You can't protect him from being sad. It's tragic that all over this world there are men who have no relationship with their children or don't even know they exist because of their own fecklessness and stupidity. Not that I'm judging.......

Birth mum would be unable to name birth father on the birth certificate as they were not married. You can't just name someone, they have to go along when you register the birth ( unless you are married) . It doesn't mean she didn't know who he was or that they were not in a relationship.

Is DSs patronymic the same as his birth mums? If not, it's likely to be his birth fathers name. I know that doesn't help much

[Kewcumber]

No I know I can't stop him being sad - I just want to dammit - stop being reasonable!

[Kewcumber]

I haven't suggested to DS that BM doesn't know who BF is. That actually hadn't even occured to me! I have discussed with him that she might have told BF about pregnancy and they both agree adoption was the best way forward or that she didn;t tell him because she didn't want him to get into trouble.

We have previously discussed that its very difficult to have a baby in Kaz if you're not married and if your family don't support you and that she was probably scared to let her family know.

Patronymic is different to BM's but from hospital notes it looks more likely to have been given by hospital (as was his first name)

[Kewcumber]

I have also said to him that many children find fathers day a bit difficult or confusing or sad - people whose fathers have died or whose father know they exist but choose not to contact them.

There isn't really a solution is there - I just have to be there for him to talk to. I just can't help feeling that there must be a way to make things easier if only I think hard enough.

[Lilka]

I think you handled it very well Kew. i agree with Kristina and that there is no solution. You are right, you just have to be there and talk to him.

I understand the angst about being a single mother. My DS used to ask about other people's families, and I felt bad when he asked why does X have a mummy and a daddy but not me? It's hard. He asked whether he had a daddy, where he was..he asked if i could go and find us all a daddy. These questions always came near Father's Day.

I felt a real pang then. I can't give him a daddy, not now, not ever. His birthfather isn't what he wanted, he wanted hands on at home proper daddy. The most I could ever give him would be a step-mother, but he would hate another woman around, because he is so adamant that I'm his mummy and no one else is.

However he doesn't ask any more. I think partly because at 8 he now understands how the situation is much better. He understands birth father, single mum and lesbian. Partly because he is actively refusing to disucss birth family. But i wonder how often he thinks about it

He has never asked to write a father's day card for his birth father though. He writes them to his godfather who is my brother, since my dad is long since passed. I think up till recently the concept of a birth father was too hard to grasp. Now he doesn't want anything to do with birth family. A strong reaction to DD2's issues.

Sorry I can't really give any advice except to say carry on, you're doing the right things

[bettyfish]

I don't know if this will help, but I was adopted, also even now I have no idea who my father was. Also I had a vivid imagination so this may be a deciding factor. I adopted a man whom I felt I looked like, he became My imaginary Dad and I collected pictures of him and kept them in a box along with Fathers Day cards I had made. I suppose this sounds wierd, but, as I say, I had a good imagination, it was like Hero worship but a bit more personal?

[Kewcumber]

Doesn;t sound weird to me bettyfish. I did wonder whether saying that we could post a card to his first father was overly encouraging him in a fantasy which doesn't exist which is why I did reiterate that we would never know if anyone got the card.

I'm torn between wanting him to deal with reality and yet thinking that a little fantasy at 7 is no bad thing.

Kristina - he always did a card for my brother but hasn't seen him much this year (my brothers issues/choice) and I suspect that resulted in him looking for an alternative father figure.

[Italiangreyhound]

I think you handled it really well Kew.

[Moomoomie]

I think you handled it very well. I agree that you need to have the whole sex discussion. I remember some one saying to me once that adopted children tended to learn the facts of life a lot earlier.
My youngest dd learnt it all abouth the age of 3-4 mainly because she has older sisters and also she was so keen to learn and asked so many questions.
If your ds really wants to make a card for his bd could you put it in a special keep sake box. If he really wants to send one, I'm not sure, could you send it to the children's home he was in?

[Italiangreyhound]

Kew I agree with Moomoomie I think the idea of making a card and keeping it is very good. Not sure of the thinking behind it all but I wonder if having a box of keep sakes that he made for his birth father, when he asks to do it (which he can look at when he is older) will provide 'something'. Not a relationship with his birth dad but a record of his feelings towards his birth dad. Does that make sense?

Someone else might come along with some wisdom on this but I wonder if having a way of at least recording and recognising those feeling would be helpful.

I also wonder if sending it to the orphanage would provide the link he needed or might make him curious, did it get received etc etc.

(But you know Kew I am not an adoptive parent yet so I may be spouting wrongly!)