Never gonna be mum now

(25 Posts)

Oh which one?? Happy?

HappySunflower Sun 28-Oct-12 00:58:10

I think Fishwife has updated on another thread.....

Fishwife Hi, just wanted to pop on and ask how it is going.

Only4theOlympics Sat 27-Oct-12 11:38:24

Hey fishwife how's it going?

Fishwife1949 Fri 12-Oct-12 15:27:39

Thank you ladies what a world of support

You all are i feel miles better today

What will be will be

TulipsfromAmsterdam Fri 12-Oct-12 11:06:45

I am also a foster carer and hoping to adopt.

I have had visits from my ssw and also her boss which worried me for a while but was absolutely fine. They don't want to lose foster carer's so want to ensure you know what is involved and how it will affect your fostering career should you wish to resume.

I am currently waiting for a meeting with ssw and someone from adoption and they say it is to explain the process and exactly what is involved so it should be positive rather than something to worry about. My ssw was hoping to carry out assessment but not sure if this will happen.

Good luck.

WendyGx Fri 12-Oct-12 08:37:52

I know when you get knocked down it feels like all is lost. Its tough, no doubt. But as a foster carer I imagine you've faced some tough times too. Reading this and your posts, I think you are more resiliant than you realise. You are being persistant - how determined is that. It shows you are dedicated. I know there is a fine line between being assertive and annoying for some, but if you can find a balance, whilst being true to yourself, you should cope through this. I do wonder why on the training they didn't develop us on the art of 'waiting'!! I've said this before, so I apologise for repeating myself, but I'm a fan of; 'everything comes to those who wait, but usually only what is left by those who hussle'. So I think I've a cheek in offering advice! Good luck for next week, listen for the positives in what they are saying and I'm sure you'll be fine.

MaryZed Thu 11-Oct-12 23:26:15

Fishwife, please don't get so upset about this.

They don't think before they say things, because to them it is just a job. They often don't even think that the little things they say off the cuff can have such a devastating effect on the person they are talking to.

Just take a deep breath, calm down and listen to the people on this thread (especially Kew with her grump, grump advice).

I have said this loads of times - the main aim of social workers is to weed out the not serious applicants, the ones who will give up at the first hurdle, the ones who won't cope with rl problems with their children. Take a breath, calm down, remember why you are doing this, and be prepared for when the do come to talk to you.

You'll be fine smile

Devora Thu 11-Oct-12 23:19:49

Fishwife, I understand how the adoption process can get to you, but you really need to take a deep breath and calm down. There is lots of this ahead, and how you manage the process is actually quite good training for being an adoptive mother (I'm not meaning to patronise you; I know you'll understand this from your fostering experience).

Chin up. I don't know why you have decided that you won't ever be a mother - there is no evidence for that from what you have posted smile

Kewcumber Thu 11-Oct-12 22:26:03

"You will need to evidence your resilience as well as your enthusiasm so unfortunately may need to prepare for delays and uncertainty. In my experience the assessment period is full of both of the above unfortunately."

Yes this ^

I can't think of a way of saying this without being blunt so... if you are so downcast by a phonecall which really if you think about it said "grump, we're busy, grump, we'll come and see you to talk some more, grump" then you are really going to struggle to get through the process!

ANd they don't want to talk to your link worker - they want to talk to you so they are coming to see you. I presume in relation to your fostering so they want her to be there too.

HappySunflower Thu 11-Oct-12 19:32:51

They are probably going to be outlining the process to you, and might touch on the communication issue/explain way they work.

BUT hold on to the 'No negatives' comment, and re-gather your positivity. smile

You will need to evidence your resilience as well as your enthusiasm so unfortunately may need to prepare for delays and uncertainty. In my experience the assessment period is full of both of the above unfortunately.

ArthurShappey Thu 11-Oct-12 19:25:07

If making a phone call messes up your chances of adoption then there is something seriously wrong with the adoption process. sad

Good luck, I hope you're successful.

Fishwife1949 Thu 11-Oct-12 19:23:14

Yes i only called once sad

I feel really deflated and am just really baffled as to whymy link worker from fostering would becoming along to my meeting in regards to adoption

I feel very low

If they needyo ask my link worker somthing about us they could ask her they work in the same building i am just so confused

HappySunflower Thu 11-Oct-12 19:13:19

Adoption is an emotional rollercoaster.

I don't think you need to worry that calling them has annoyed them and in no way should it be held against you- what an unprofessional thing to say!
You only called once, right?

It is good that you are showing a keen commitment and interest in adopting, but- (and please don't take this the wrong way)- you may need to adjust your expectations in terms of the timeliness of their communication systems.

I was frequently told I would hear from somebody on X day only for it to be two weeks (or even longer) after that.
Goalposts were constantly moved and adjusted, and I learned to manage my own expectations of what would come next to get through each bit of the process without going bonkers waiting for calls/responses to emails.

The reality is that anyone involved in social care is pushed to the limit at the moment. My local team has several vacant posts meaning that everybody is spread very thinly. If there is an issue with a child/placement that means support is needed, then ultimately they will be prioritised and those of us being assessed tended to be last in line wrt to time spent on us.

Good luck with the meeting next week. 'No negatives' is GREAT! smile

J3mma Thu 11-Oct-12 19:09:25

I think sometimes the social workers say things and don't realise how much we prospective adopters take it to heart.

I'm sure you haven't messed up your chances, but it just feels like it right now. I'm sure they encounter much pushier people than you, and those people wouldn't care if they were told to go away.

I hope you can bounce back. I suspect it was just the social worker not doing his/her job very well which is totally inappropriate.

Hugs x

funnychic Thu 11-Oct-12 18:39:18

Fishwife, try not to worry your phone call would absolutely not go against you unless of course you were kicking off with them! It's probably something to do with your motivation for adopting after being a foster carer, what's changed? why didn't you adopt in the first place? maybe your current circumstances etc etc. Try not to worry it could be something very simple, just keep calm and carry on so you appear the same when they visit.
Let us know how you get on xx

Fishwife1949 Thu 11-Oct-12 16:21:36

Why would she want to see me gain with my link worker

Tigglette Thu 11-Oct-12 15:37:16

They can't reject you for phoning to check on what's happening. They must know you'd be anxious to know the outcome of their meeting... Try not to get down and wait to see what they have to say.

Only4theOlympics Thu 11-Oct-12 15:29:30

Sorry for typos am on phone and have fat fingers.

Only4theOlympics Thu 11-Oct-12 15:28:00

There are no negatives. That is a good thing. The few points ate probably things they haven't thought to ask before. Adoption is a long and horrible process but o am sure (especially as you are a foster carer and they don't let just anyone do that) you will get there. And it will be worth it when you do xxxxx

Fishwife1949 Thu 11-Oct-12 14:58:13

Just got a call from the adoption team she said there is no negatives but would like to come with link worker next week to Clear a few things up.

I feel like poop right just want to cry but at the hospital so I can't

I feel very sad right now

mamij Thu 11-Oct-12 14:40:14

It would be wrong for them to hold it against you! Being keen doesn't make you a bad potential adopter! If that's the reason to stop you being an adopter, it's not very fair or adequate. They would need to explain why they made the decision not to take the adoption process forward, but based on a few phone calls.

The link worker was wrong to have said that to you.

Good luck with your application!

SimplyTes Thu 11-Oct-12 14:31:04

Hello, I foster too. I think it would be complete madness, on their side, if they held it against you that you are keen to find out what the results of the meeting were. Try not to worry until you find out - easier said than done I should imagaine.

If you have a strong track record as a foster carer I'm sure they will be delighted to welcome you as a potential parent for adopting a child. Good luck, keep us updated.

MyDogEatsPoop Thu 11-Oct-12 14:28:52

No, I'm sure you haven't fucked anything up. Please don't worry - honestly, the link worker needs to be told not to be so bloody rude. You haven't done a thing wrong.

Fishwife1949 Thu 11-Oct-12 14:13:23

right as you all know I foster and after this placement ends we want to adopt

Had a visit last Tuesday and was told that team
Meeting was on Thursday

After not hearing anything on Friday I rang adopton uk for advice they told me it was fine to ring and find out

Stupid me I was told today by link woker off the recored that they didn't like me ringing and that the team meeting is today not last Thursday and that If I rung again it would be held against us
And that I should wait till they ring us

I fucked our chance now of being a parent sad

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