Spoke to my birth mother after 42 years..

(76 Posts)
squeakytoy Tue 25-Sep-12 21:47:52

As the title says really. I just need to post this somewhere and this seemed the right place.

I always knew I was adopted, it was never a secret or really something that bothered me.

But natural curiosity always made me wonder about my biological mother. My mum (adopted one but she will always be mum to me) died 4 years ago, my dad died 19 years ago, and as I had no siblings, I felt rather lost in the world, so my curiosity stepped up a level and I thought I would try and find the woman who had given birth to me. It was luckily quite easy thanks to the power of the internet.

I had also been looking in the wrong country for the last decade when I made my half hearted searches, so no wonder I hit a dead end.

Anyway, I found her, right name, right age, living in the USA. And after a few glasses of wine last week, I just rang the number.

She answered.

Probably the most awkward stumbling introduction of my life, and I feel a bit bad for just springing the call on her, but hey, I figured she has had 42 years to wonder if one day I might just find her.

Well, we spoke for an hour, and I now dont feel like I have a missing piece of my personal jigsaw. She is going to write to me and send me photos.

The next night I also had a phone call from her neice, who is older than me by a few years and had always known of my existence. She said my BM was so utterly thrilled to have heard from me. She has spent the last year battling cancer and just been given the all clear, and hearing from me was her dream come true (thankfully!!).

That was last Thursday, and I have felt so wierd since then. In a good way. I always said while my parents were alive, I had no need to even find my birth mother, but after my mums death, I felt the need to find out more strongly than ever. I knew my BM would also be getting older (she is 68 now) and realised that if I kept hesitating, one day it would be too late. I am so glad that I have done it and it is so far going ok on both sides.

Thanks for reading my waffle. And if there is a better place I could have posted this, please advise me and I will ask for it to be moved.

lisalovesyou Thu 17-Oct-13 22:11:31

WOW I am sadly a birth mum and would give anything to hear from my daughter. she will be 18 soon and I prey I will be in touch with her soon. xx

jax10 Tue 19-Feb-13 14:21:17

I'm glad to hear overall it was a positive experience. I am 40, just made contact with my birth mum and things are going well. Have plans to meet her in a couple of months.

jax10 Tue 19-Feb-13 14:17:29

I'm glad to hear overall it was a positive experience. I am 40, just made contact with my birth mum and things are going well. Have plans to meet her in a couple of months.

Maryz Fri 15-Feb-13 15:16:09

Goodness, that all sounds very tough shock

Do you have any siblings, or did your mother not have any other children?

I suppose, in a way, you have done what you needed to do to find out about your background, but it might be handy that they are the other side of the Atlantic.

Your cousin sounds nice - it sounds like there is a good possibility of developing a long-distance relationship there.

Happy, I've been watching those programmes - my kids tut and turn them off if they come on, they are still refusing to talk about adoption at all.

Glad you're home in one piece, squeakytoy. I'd imagine it'll take time to process all you've been through over the last couple of weeks. It's great there's a cousin in the picture too, for you and for her.

I don't know if you can watch this ( based in Ireland) but there's a fantastic series on at the moment called 'Adoption Stories' which gives different slants on the adoption triange. Here's the link:
www.tv3.ie/3player/show/346/59002/1/Adoption-Stories

squeakytoy Thu 14-Feb-13 01:07:54

I dont regret it either.

The narcissistic bit is very hard to explain without it being long and drawn out. Basically, the whole family is pretty disfunctional.. mainly due to my mother and her sister, their string of failed relationships with wealthy men, and kids who were left to bring themselves up, (with no shortage of money, but clearly a shortage of attention).. one of my cousins comments was "you really want to thank fuck you were lucky enough to be adopted". confused

Much of this has been in the past and has calmed itself down now as mother and aunt have got older, but I can see the hurt that is still there with my cousin. She only had two brothers, who both died at early ages (36 and 48) due to drink and alcohol problems, and she holds her mother indirectly responsible due to the lack of attention because she and my mother were out partying all the time as they were growing up and basically left them to sort themselves out.

As I say, its difficult...

squeakytoy excellent news.

Ikeatears Thu 14-Feb-13 00:59:46

Sorry, posted too soon:
I found my birth mother many years ago and reunion wasn't always easy but I don't regret it. I'm glad I met her.
I hope you had the experience you hoped for and I hope your relationship continues to grow. In what way were they narcissistic?

Ikeatears Thu 14-Feb-13 00:57:13

Hi, sound like it was a real mix of emotions - I found my birth m

squeakytoy Thu 14-Feb-13 00:40:49

I am home..

It was an experience. Good and difficult. None of it bad.

We got on fine. I wasnt expecting a disney reunion anyway. I am realistic and cynical enough to know that was never going to happen.

We are very very alike in many ways. Both reluctant to show our emotions unless we have had a couple of drinks to ease the way. There were some very hard conversations which were tearful on both sides, but we had a good laugh too. She was trying very hard to be a "mum" at times which was both funny and irritating.. my cousin was fantastic and probably because there was less pressure, I found her much easier to be with. My mum and hers (sisters) are very narcissistic... and she was was a great ally to have.

I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I hope your meeting brings you both peace. Best of luck! Can't wait to hear how it goes.

Wetthemogwai Sun 27-Jan-13 22:39:21

Good luck!

Does she know how alike you look? Can't imagine how surreal it will be when you first see eachother in the flesh but I hope it's surreal in the most wonderful way!

Have a lovely lovely time and I hope everything works out as you want it to xxx thanks xxx

LocoParentis Sun 27-Jan-13 22:30:30

good luck, I really hope the trip is all you want it to be

MrsBW Sun 27-Jan-13 22:29:31

Hope your trip goes really well x

squeakytoy Sun 27-Jan-13 22:09:44

well I fly out there tomorrow... am so nervous... been an emotional wreck for the last week..

Budgiegirlbob Tue 22-Jan-13 13:11:38

Just came across this thread, and wanted to say how wonderful it is, and good luck for your trip to the States. You made me cry too!
I found my own birth mother 10 years ago, and it's like all the pieces suddenly fell into place. She lives 200 miles away, we are in regular touch and visit often . You are right, even the first time we talked, it felt like we had known each other all our lives - a very strange feeling. And she now has grandchildren, which she thought would never happen.
The best thing of all though is that my birth mum feels like a huge cloud has lifted. For 32 years she wondered if she had done the right thing in giving me and my sister up for adoption, now she's says she knows she did. We grew up in a happy, loving home with wonderful adopted parents, and the relief my birth mum feels is enormous.
Just by making contact with your birth mum, you've given her that feeling of relief. I hope you have a great trip, and enjoy it, even though you'll be nervous. And be prepared to be 'shown off' to all her (your) family and friends!

RufflingFeathers Mon 21-Jan-13 14:33:38

Read this whole thread, and it made me cry !! so glad you're able to go out there, really hope it goes well - do let us know !!

jenny60 Thu 17-Jan-13 19:26:31

Good luck. How exciting.

Squeaky so glad it is all working out for you so well. Do you have support in real life, people to talk to if things do not always go so well?

Just think it is good to have people you can talk to through this, it must be very emotional for you.

So lovely to hear that you spoke to your (adopted) mum's friend and she was so encouraging. It's really great.

MrsMcEnroe Thu 17-Jan-13 16:06:30

Only just found this thread - have a wonderful time squeakytoy! I am the spitting image of my birth mother too, and also of my half-siblings. Glad the pieces are falling into place for you.

Maryz Thu 17-Jan-13 15:57:17

Wow, how fantastic. I missed this thread the first time around but I'm delighted for you.

dd is the spitting image of her birth mother - really a carbon copy. I hope she feels she can talk to me about meeting her one day, should she want to (atm she is adamant she doesn't).

Have a lovely, lovely holiday, and best of luck with meeting your second family smile

FarelyKnuts Wed 16-Jan-13 00:13:52

What a fantastic outcome squeaky. I am so pleased for you. I hope the trip goes well! smile

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 16-Jan-13 00:02:10

i wish you the very best squeaky

how fantastic. im going to live vicariously through you! keep us updated and fingers crossed it all goes brilliantly!

aftermay Tue 15-Jan-13 23:56:23

What a lovely story. I hope you'll have a lovely time getting to meet everyone.

Lilka Tue 15-Jan-13 23:46:35

Wonderful smile

Hope it all goes really well!

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