OMG please help OH to deal with adoption related aggro from his family

[youbethemummylion]

Ok this is going to be long so please bear with me and thank you to anyone who makes it to the end.

OH's birth mum(BM) and birth father(BF) were very young when they had him 15 and 17 I think. All was going ok both lived with parents still but together and looking after baby (in a fashion) approx a year later they split up. BM started to date another man and BF looked after baby while she went out with him. BF got sick of this arrangement and in his own words "spat his dummy out and walked out" BF didn't see baby after that. approx year later so baby around 2ish BF was contacted by BM regarding BM's partner adopting baby. BF said no but after a bit of persuading agreed.

BM and Adoptive Dad (AD) got married and adoption finalised by time OH was about 9. OH cannot remember BD but always knew about him despite it never being a subject that was spoken about.

Fasr forward to current day OH is 33. BD's wife got in contact by Facebook and after establishing OH was right person OH struk up conversation with BD.

OH told his BM few days later about what had happened as didn't want to do anything behind BM and AD back. He told them it didn't change anything but he was interested to know little bit about BD.

BM and AD went mad and said if OH contacted BD again they would cut OH, myself and our children out of their lives. OH told them not to emotionally blackmail him and all he wanted to do was know a little bit about BD, BD doesn't live local so no chance of being permanent fixture in OH's life probably just friend on FB. BM and AD stuck by guns and have now cut OH, myslef and our kids out of their lives saying they never want to see any of us again.

Is it just me or is this an over reaction? I don't know what to do they are not the most reasonable people at the best of times. It was all quite positive with BD being sensitive to OH's wishes about how much/little they had to do with each other, answering all OH's questions but now it has all turned to shit!

[RandomMess]

Hmmm what did you think of BM and AD before all this happened? How does your OH get on with them?

I would give them time to cool down and get your OH to write to them explaining how he loves them and considers his AD as his dad but he has room in his heart to forgive his BD and have an adult to adult relationship with him and doesn't understand why they feel so threatened?

Basically I'd throw the ball back in their court and leave them to it.

[youbethemummylion]

to be honest not a lot they are very easily offended. We were picking kids up from theirs and going straight on to somewhere else. Said we would bring kids McDonalds to eat at theirs before we set off as no other opportunity to eat AD stormed out as we didn't bring any food for him, this was on DS's birthday so he missed the cake!

OH has told them he loves them both and this changes nothing they still said BD has destroyed their family now as they are now going to cut us out.

I'm hoping they come round but I'm worried they wont. Therefore we have ruined our kids relationship with their grandparents, if we had just kept quiet none of this would have happened.

[RandomMess]

I see where you're coming from but you haven't ruined it they have, also it seems that it may have happened over something else?

They don't seem to value their relationship with your dc to cut you off over well very little????? Your OH isn't slating them, making out his BD is wonderful or moving in with him or anything - it is an extreme overreaction based on what you have reported here.

[edam]

There must be something else going on here that you don't know about - something to do with why your MIL split up from dh's birth father (she's not his 'birth mother' btw, that's someone who gives up a child for adoption).

Very sorry they have reacted like this but neither you nor dh have any control over their reaction. All you can do is hope the storm blows over and they come to their senses.

FWIW I know someone who traced her birth father on the internet, built up a relationship and flew to America to meet him and his second wife and other children. All very joyful. Except her Mother and Stepfather, who had brought her up, went ballistic. Very spiteful and nasty - only explanation we could think of was that they were jealous, because my friend had always been the odd one out in the family (has three half-sisters from her Mother and Stepfather) but suddenly had found acceptance and love from her 'new' family.

[youbethemummylion]

Oh sorry about the Birth Mother thing I don't know all the terms. Thats what I thought or maybe the circumstances of the conception seen as he was legal and she was underage but MIL won't enter into conversation about it and BD says they were both too young and it didn't work out.

[Italiangreyhound]

Mummylion so sorry you have this situation to deal with, I think I agree with Randommess. Suggest OH writes a nice letter and hopefully this will blow over. If it does not blow over then it is NOT your fault, or DH's fault or his birth father. His mum and adoptive dad are being very unfair and hopefully they will come to their senses.

All the best to you all.

I am sure you are a great support to OH and that is what he needs at the moment as this must be very trying and emotional for him, but also something good if he is enjoying getting to know his birth father a bit. Hopefully it will all work out. By telling his mum and adoptive dad, I think you did the right thing by being open.