Anyone out here who has given up their unborn for adoption?

(86 Posts)
whereabouts Tue 05-Jun-12 16:53:21

I am 24 weeks pregnant and thinking of giving up this baby for adoption. My husband has been pushing for abortion all through the pregnancy but it is something I couldn't do. I think I would give up this baby for adoption to save my marriage though.

Everyone (including the woman at Marie Stopes pregnancy counselling) said that adoption is far harder than abortion. I somehow don't really comprehend. Or do I? Has anyone been through this? What can I expect psychologically from this?

In a way I am thinking giving up a child for adoption at least gives them a chance to live. (I am 100% pro-choice btw, it's just not something for me... I hope not to offend anyone!)

Clargo55 Tue 05-Jun-12 16:59:22

How do you feel ? Forget about your husband for now. You and baby are most important.

Do you want to keep the baby ?


gothicmama Tue 05-Jun-12 17:01:38

You can get advice from your local authority adoption team or CAFCAS if you are in UK THey have to explain adoption and why you want to relinquish the baby They will also explain about letterbox contact and what will happen you also can change your mind at any time and that until 6 weeks after delivery you will not be able to formally consent

gothicmama Tue 05-Jun-12 17:04:27

Forgot to say if you decide to keep the baby after the counselling (discussion)the LA can help you

worrywortisworrying Tue 05-Jun-12 17:05:01

I don't think you should make any decisions until you have the baby.

Then take some time to decide which people need to be removed from your life.

Sorry, that's perhaps not what you want or need to hear. But you obviously want this baby. I'd say anyone who made you choose between them and your child isn't worth having in your life.

SundaeGirl Tue 05-Jun-12 17:07:04

I'm surprised that you think the baby is the problem.

LoopyLoopsCorgiPoops Tue 05-Jun-12 17:08:01

No experience I'm afraid, but I truly believe this will not save a marriage unless it's something you both want 100%.

colditz Tue 05-Jun-12 17:08:06

You need to have and hold the baby before you decide to give it up for adoption.

golemmings Tue 05-Jun-12 17:13:25

I was adopted at birth and have always been grateful to my natural mother for the life that I had.

Now that I have children of my own, I am even more in awe of her. I have no idea how she could do it. I'm pretty certain I couldn't.

I'd second waiting until you have your child and then make your decision. It has to be your decision, made for you and your child and not your husband's decision.

lilbreeze Tue 05-Jun-12 17:28:42

Do you honestly believe your marriage can be saved by giving your baby up for adoption? Not just in the short term but for good?

You mentioned in your other thread that you already have 2 children - how old are they and do they understand you're having a baby?

Take your time over this decision and be prepared to change your mind many times. Make it clear to your h that there is no way you can possibly commit to a final decision until after the baby is born.

Good luck x

whereabouts Tue 05-Jun-12 17:29:25

Thanks for all the kind answers and practical advice!

I was under the impression that this decision is best made before the birth, so there is no bonding. I think if I were to hold the baby I might possibly not be able to give it up for adoption... Coincidentally my husband wants abortion, but is against adoption once the baby is here.

And you are all right that this should be a decision that I make base on what I feel is right and not to save a relationship..

golemmings, your post made me cry a little bit.

whereabouts Tue 05-Jun-12 17:32:13

Our children are under 4 and this pregnancy has been such a point of strife that we haven't told them about it. Not sure if the older one realises though.. I hope not.

TheSecondComing Tue 05-Jun-12 17:32:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kilmuir Tue 05-Jun-12 17:37:06

You would give your baby away to keep your arsehole of a husband. Sorry but what sort of man does that?

Marne Tue 05-Jun-12 17:38:53

If your husband was't in the picture would you keep the baby? You need to do what you feel is the best for your child (not what your husband wants).

I feel very sad for you and the fact you feel this way, you have children, you know you can bring up another (you have managed with the others) but if you feel you can't and you feel you could live with giving the child up then that is your choice, just make sure that it is your choice and not your husbands choice or you will end up never forgiving him.

Cassettetapeandpencil Tue 05-Jun-12 17:40:26

I agree that you should wait until baby is born before you make such a huge decision.

I also agree that your husband sounds horrid.

eastendywendy Tue 05-Jun-12 17:42:15

Well he can't still want an abortion surely given that you're 24 weeks so he must know you're keeping it or having it adopted?

What is your husband like in other ways?

How old is your eldest? At 3 my son would point out pregnant ladies so surely your kids or their friends will have noticed?

It rings alarm bells for me that if you think you couldn't go through with the adoption if you held the baby. The thing is, this baby is the same as the 2 kids you have already. I think that if YOU wanted to give this baby up then ok, do it BUT don't do it to 'save' your marriage. It won't work and you've got to think, in 18 yrs time will this baby find out they have 2 full siblings who were NOT adopted out? (I don't know if this could happen by the way but its something I'd be thinking of).

Good luck

AThingInYourLife Tue 05-Jun-12 17:48:39

I can't see how giving up a baby for adoption would be necessary to save any kind of marriage worth saving.

Lilka Tue 05-Jun-12 17:49:33

What a difficult time you must be going through right now. I am an adoptive mother, so coming from that perspective

Your decision is one which should and can only be made AFTER birth. Only when the baby is born can you truly make that decision, because the birth will change things

I do encourage you to spend time with, hold, and name your baby, breastfeed if you want. If you went ahead with adoption, then that would be the only time you would be able to be the babies only mother, and nurture it

At the end of the day, if adoption is the right decision, then it will be the right decision whether or not you hold your baby. If holding and bonding with your baby would change your mind, then adoption is not the right thing. I can't state that strongly enough

You cannot sign any papers for at least 6 weeks following birth, although the baby can be in foster care during those weeks if that is what you want. Even after that, you have the right to have your baby back again if you change your mind

My personal feeling is that adoption is so permanent, it should only happen if raising the baby is something you definitely do not want to do, OR you CAN'T raise a baby properly (eg. you have a bad drug problem etc). I don't think it should be a solution to a temporary problem like finances. They can be sorted in five or ten or fifteen years. Your child might live 80 or 90 years. It's not just about the next few years, but an entire lifetime, for all of you. This must be what YOU want, and what is right for YOU. Don't think about your marriage

Do you have counselling now, or want some more?

<hugs> to you

worrywortisworrying Tue 05-Jun-12 17:50:37

Golemmings what a lovely post.

Whereabouts What do YOU want to do? You mention that your husband would keep the child once born... and you are now 24 weeks so abortion is no longer an option... and I wonder if by mentioning adoption now (and kind of laying the blame at his door because he doesn't want the child) you are making him pay for putting you under so much pressure for the first 24 weeks... I might be totally wrong about that, but he's not actually saying the marriage would be over if you had this child... His first choice would have been abortion, but that's not to say he won't love the child once it's here.

FWIW, my DD was not planned and not really a welcome 'accident' so to speak, but we both love her to bits.

clam Tue 05-Jun-12 17:53:40

I remember your other thread and was horrified at your husband's attitude. I can understand him having cold feet about a third child, but to be so insistent that you had an abortion this late - wasn't he even pressing you to do so at this stage?

I'm so sorry to say this, but I really think you will regret giving this baby away. You want it, but seem to want your marriage more. But I worry that you'll give up your baby, and your marriage will suffer anyway, as I can't see how you could ever forgive your husband. Prehaps I'm projecting here though. And I'm sorry if it's not what you want to hear, but I think you do need to hear the worst-case scenario of what might happen if you go ahead.

I hope it turns out well for you.

worrywortisworrying Tue 05-Jun-12 17:54:23

Oh and the first thing my husband did when I told him I was expecting again was to organise the snip. He didn't want DD and certainly not any other children. To be fair, he didn't ever mention abortion, but he'd have gone along with it without issue if I'd mentioned it (and possibly been a bit relieved)

FamiliesShareGerms Tue 05-Jun-12 18:05:44

Oh, this thread made me so sad. I second everything that Lilka said (I'm also an adoptive mum, as well as having a birth child).

You haven't really said why your husband doesn't want the baby. Is the problem something that will be resolved by not keeping him / her? Or will there still a problem, but you will have lost your baby?

In any case, you will have to consider what you tell your friends and family - even if your children don't notice that you've become the size of a house, everyone else will. And then will want to know what has happened to the baby. And eventually your children will find out that they have a sibling who was given up for adoption at birth. You need to be prepared for this, as giving the baby up is not going to make everything as if it never happened.

OP - how did you feel on finding out you were pregnant?

WHy does your husband not want it? Is he scared/money worries?

gothicmama Tue 05-Jun-12 18:28:08

Get in touch with Mw and ask her to get hold of BAAF leaflets speak to your LA adoption team They will work with you and it is better to find out info now like I said before they can work with you to get the best outcome even if you decide to keep the baby Bonding is really important as is naming the child and having a picture of you and its father and a letter from you to give to social worker keep a copy and give to adopter if you meet them

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