Hi, I am hoping that someone here can help with advice regarding my close friend and her adoptive daughter. My friend in not part of mumsnet and is happy for me to see if I can get any advice for her. Sorry for the length :)
Background is that they adoptive the child at 21 months exactly two years ago - their first and only child. It has been 'successful' and they have bonded beautifully as a family. It has been wonderful watching and being part of enabling that child to grow and develop. We are extremely close friends and I have been with her every step of the way, from being a referee to her sounding board and shoulder to cry on. Although I am not an adoptive parent, I have three children and two step children under 13 (my youngest is the same age as her child) and so I have been able to help as a parent as well as a friend.
A bit of background - the child was placed in foster care at 4 weeks from a Mother who had one child in care and has since had another placed (she herself came from a foster care situation). The baby suffered neglect from the start including being left alone in a car over night. The child was then placed with one foster family until she was adopted but during that time she spent periods of up to two weeks with other foster families on respite care.
While it is difficult to really know how the foster family parented the child (even though my friend obviously spent time with), the child did come with severely decayed teeth and significant old injuries (cuts and burn scars). My friend believed that the child was allowed free roam with the much older children and was most likely put into situations where she was probably not accurately supervised.
So that is the generalised background and the child has pretty much exhibited what my friend expected in terms of her early experiences in her behaviour and attachment issues.
So my (our) question is - how do the parents help the child now outside of the love and support they have shown her to date?
The main issues that are manifesting now are two specific things:
One the child is overly friendly and affectionate to adults, regardless whether she knows them or not. They understand her need to create bonds with adults but how do they 'teach', show her what is appropriate and will it ever be 'reset' so that instinctively she knows what is appropriate?
Secondly she will push herself physically where she is in real danger of hurting herself or another person. For example she will jump from great heights onto someone, often without warning, wrestle other children very forcefully to the ground and have little regard to her safety - be in water, roads, heights, play equipment.
I just feel that my friend needs to concentrate on being the Mother and doing all the things that helps provide a safe and secure home and that the child needs outside and professional help to deal with the other issues?
Does this sound right? I certainly know with my own children, when they have struggled with various issues at school be it emotional or educational, I have been offered professional support.
Does such a thing exist for adoptive children? My friend has not had an easy relationship with Social Services and while she has gone to a few talks through Adoption UK, feels that they concentrate too much on the negative outcomes and she tends to want to look through life with rose tinted glasses! She is also concerned if she asks for help, they will see it as they are not coping and they hope to adopt another child later this year.
Over to you - any advice would be appreciated as we all so want to help this child while she is still little in the best way that we can.
Thanks
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16 replies
zazas · 24/06/2011 22:39
OP posts:
Maryz ·
24/06/2011 23:45
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Maryz ·
29/06/2011 10:12
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