Long Lost Family TV programme

[LovetoAdopt]

I know I could possibly post this in tv but as it is so specialised thought it might be better here.

Has anyone watched it yet? Wondered what your thoughts are?

It's the first episode I've watched tonight but it seems to be coming across in a slightly biased way to me. Lots of talk of "real" parents etc. Also Davina McCall tweeted last week, something along the lines of "today I reunited a lady with her mummy". As an adoptive mother myself I admit I am probably a bit sensitive over some of these words and situations but, to me, mummy is such a special word, and one my dc call me, to see Davina using it so flippantly really annoyed and hurt me.

Just curious as to everyone's opinions really.

[RipVanLilka]

I liked it, and felt it highlighted the importance of explaining their history to our children, and it showed the importance of identity. I also thought it was really moving, it made me want to cry in parts!

Honestly, I just ignore Davina McCall comments. It just rolls off. Sure, if I had tweeted that message, i would have said 'her mother' not 'her mummy' but never mind. I honestly don't undertand adults referring to their parents as mummy, nor anyone else using that about an adults parents! Maybe it's me, but mummy seems such a childs term of endearment, not an adults.

I think we do tend to really pick up on and notice words a lot more than most people - why wouldn't we, since part of talking to your child about adoption is using the right kind of language etc. And it does hurt when people dismiss you by using terms like 'real parent'. Everyone is real! At least, I am not a figment of my daughters imagination, nor is her other mum! And DD2 does call us both mummy and mum actually, but then she remebers her other mum being a mummy, so why would she not refer to her as such?

I like this little phrase, modified from someone else:

A Natural Child - Any child that is not artificial
A Real Parent - Any person who has a child, and is not imaginary
My Own Child - Any child I have by birth or adoption, who isn't somebody else's alone
Adopted Child - A natural child, with 4 real parents, who is my own
:)

[RipVanLilka]

Although in my kids case, I'm single so only 3 parents!

[LovetoAdopt]

That's lovely Rip.

Seeing the soldier guy's story tonight just reaffirmed to me the importance of honesty, to think his uncle accidentally dropped it out that he was adopted! My dc have known since before they even knew what it really meant but I'd much rather it be that way than the alternative!

[NanaNina]

I understand what you mean "Lovetoadopt" - but I think that is just Davina McCall being superficial and only thinking of the reunion and the programme. Don 't understand Twitter but don't think she should be posting this anyway.

Brilliant post ripvan!

I have worked as a social worker and team manager of a LA fostering and adoption team for 25 years. You are quite right LtoA it is so much better that adoptors know that they must always tell the child the truth from the word go, even before the children can speak, they can be shown their life story book, with pictures of "first mummy" or daddy etc.

I have heard so many stories of adoptees telling the same story as the soldier on tonight's programme, learning about their adoption from kids in the playground, neighbours, relatives, and so many who just said that they "always thought that something wasn't quite right, but didn't know what exactly." Many of these adoptees didn't learn the truth until the death of their adoptive mothers/fathers and came across the adoption papers. This obviously left some of them feeling very resentful that the truth had been withheld from them all through the years.

I think the only thing is that social workers and adoptive parents thought they were doing it for the right reasons at the time. I think much less was known about child psychology and the need for children to grow up, knowing the truth, which would prevent the trauma of finding out in later life.

The other thing was that the assessment of prospective adoptors was nothing like it is today. They were often carried out by health visitors and the emphasis was on a clean and tidy home and garden, and a reference from the vicar. Think there is little doubt that things have changed for the better.

[Kewcumber]

I didn't see it though I do also think of DS's birth mother as his "mother" privately. Though my mum calling his birth parents "mummy and daddy" which confused him and took me by surprised rather.

I suspect that adoption programmes will change somewhat over the years as it seems to me that the predominant reason for children being placed for adoption has changed so much over the last 50 years that I wonder if the public will have the same "awwwww" factor when a child who was abused by a drug addict and covered in cigarette (how do you spell cigaret?) burns when taken into care is searching?

Of course just because a person is incapable of safely parenting a child doesn't make it any less of a tragedy for both parent and child.

[LovetoAdopt]

Hi Maryz, It was Thursday night on ITV at 9pm. We call Birth Mum exactly that, "Birth mum", so there is a clear distinction between the two.

Think it was the mummy thing I found offensive really and also the way the programme implied, in my opinion, that having been reunited with their birth family meant they had been reunited with their "real" family.

Kew, I think you're right, in years to come it will be a different story. Relinquished babies are so unusual nowadays that most of these stories will involve abuse in some form or another.

[NoelEdmondshair]

I'm mummy (DD is 6) and when she's older I'll become mum. I wouldn't refer to her birth mother as her birth mum/my. Mummy and mum are reserved for the woman who raises the child rather than the woman who gave birth to her.

I didn't watch the programme because I thought it might be an adoption version of "Surprise Surprise" with Davina (who I think is a twerp ) taking on Cilla's role.

[RipVanLilka]

Well, I'm going to keep watching it anyhow, it is a really moving program, and whilst it's not the same situation as our children are mostly in, it still says important things about identity etc

I think that the child has the right to define who mum is, and what they want to call their biological family. DD2 calls me mum and her other mum, 'mum' (mummy when she was younger). If I tried to reserve mum for me, she'd tell me what a prat I was being and ignore me! It doesn't make me any less mum that she has a second mummy as well. Her mum raised her until she was school age, she remembers that well. And if a child grows up, reunites and decides to call their family mum or dad, then that is their right. No one can decide for them who is who, or define their relations for them. The ball is in their court so to speak. JMO :)

[gillybean2]

I would be interested to see them following up on cases, 1, 2 5 years down the line to see what happened. Would also like to see some cases of people who had previously found their birth families and heard what theor journey since meeting had been like.

So far, (although I didn't watch the entire program), it seems to be focused on finding your identity and why you don't fit. I also think it's probably going to focus more on the success stories and those that are relatively easy to find, rather than those who spend years searching without luck or those that when found don't want to appear and/or have contact. I think that's an important part of a search story for those considering looking for their birth parents or adopted child.

I shall try to ctach it next week to see if the focus changes at all.

[NoelEdmondshair]

"If I tried to reserve mum for me, she'd tell me what a prat I was being and ignore me!"

[Kewcumber]

Noel I htink you aren't taking account of the fact that two of Lilkas childrne were older adoptions and therefore already had a "Mum" - it would b bizarre in the extreme if she tried to instruct her DD to call her Mum and no-one else in that situation.

DS can remeber no other paretn and will never have contac (in all likelihood) with any other other parent. He is totally flummoxed by any references to his BM as "mummy" but thats to a degree a reflection of how his life is not what I would like to be called or have his BM called.

Our SW recommends the first name approach to an unknown birth paretn and so far that works OK for us.

[RipVanLilka]

Thanks Kew. Noel, my DD2 was adopted at 8, is quite outspoken, knows what she wants. She remembers her mum being in the one and only mum role, and she feels that we are both her mum. If I tried to instruct her to call me mum alone, she wouldn't be happy, and she probably would get very annoyed with me. Prat is a favourite insult at the moment (think she picked it up off me behind the wheel!!)

[Sweetpeas20]

In the 'olden days' we were taken away from our birth mothers, and all ties totally severed from that point on. I always knew I was adopted, but I was never allowed to talk about it (which makes me wonder why I was told at all, quite honestly). 'Your mother didn't want you' was all I got, and I was expected to feel grateful that my adoptive mother had 'saved me'.

I come from the sort of family who uses 'mummy' and 'daddy' (I am not happy to be called 'mum')- and I still call my 87-year-old father daddy (mummy was killed in a car crash 12 years ago). Davina's and my accent are pretty similar so that might be the case in her family too.

Having now found my BM I have taken to referring to her as GwenMa - which seems to strike the right balance between referring to her as my mother/mummy and calling her by her first name, neither of which seemed entirely right.

I think that families are made up of all sorts of people - not necessarily related by blood ties - but linked by shared experiences and mutual love and support - my adoptive family are a complicated bunch and recently adding in my new BM and 4 half-brothers just makes it all the more fun.

LOVE is the key ingredient.

That is all :)

[Divawithattitude]

I too am adopted and could not call my birth mother Mother or Mum or mummy! I am not wsure she would be comfortable with it either!!

Did anone see last night's programme?

[Kewcumber]

"'Your mother didn't want you' was all I got, and I was expected to feel grateful that my adoptive mother had 'saved me'. " Thankfully preparation for adoption these days tends to discourage this approach!

I can never tell DS that I 'saved' him becasue my decision to adopt was entirely driven (like most peoples decision to have a family) by my own selfish needs and so trying to convince him that I was doing it for his benefit really isn;t going to fly! He already knows at 5 that I am lucky to have him.

I didn;t see last nights programme - I find them hard to watch so I tend to be a bit cowardly about it

[Sweetpeas20]

Actually, Kewcumber, they're lovely. I wasn't going to because I was scared of the raw emotions that they might bring up, but I couldn't resist going on ITV player and watching them when my DH, DS and DD were out. I did sit in front of them and sob - but in a good way :) - I have never allowed myself to do it before. Last night's programme featured the Mother & Baby Home that BM and I were in, which was kind of weird.

GwenMa and I have already said to each other that we wished there was a handbook on this (Adoption Reunions for Dummies?) but everyone's situation is so different.

My adoptive family are SO supportive - all my cousins and aunts etc and Daddy is excited: he is getting a dossier of photos together for me to give to Gwen. Mummy would have found it terribly hard so it's probably best that she's not around. Just before she died, I think she may have had some odd premonition, because she told me that she was proud of me (for the first time ever) and asked if I'd ever searched. I did tell her I'd got my Birth Certificate and her face fell; it was a shame. She never got over not being able to have children, and Daddy says she went through some almost inhuman medical investigations whilst they were trying, which changed her forever. I think she felt she was a failure in some way. Nowadays, I am sure she would have had a lot of counselling help but in those days it was all very unpleasant and you were just expected to keep a stiff upper lip. It made her very bitter.

I have to say that my adoptive parents will always be my parents, whatever my relationship with GwenMa turns out to be (not terribly close, I suspect as she is a) 76 and not likely to be around much longer and b) lives in Australia. They are the people who took care of me, nurtured me, and loved me, very deeply (even if Mummy was a bit difficult at times, there is no doubt she ddid love me and my adopted brother).

I am a big fan of adoption - and reallly, we are all lucky to have it, wherever it comes from. It saves us all.

[Kewcumber]

"Nowadays, I am sure she would have had a lot of counselling" - I'm not so sure thats true though. I had none, though to be fair I didn;t actually ask for any. I'm not sure that not being able to give birth is something that you ever "get over" and I will always regret not being able to go through it. But that feels like a very separate issue to how I feel about DS - I couldn't love a child more. It just isn;t possible. Its more a feeling of somehow not quite fitting the standard way of doing things, of always being slightly different. It mostly doesn't bother me but I would love for DS to not to have that added complication. I wouldn't choose a different child at any cost now but sometimes I think it would be better for him if I had grown him. But then he wouldn;t be him, he would be someone else - am I'm not sure whether I would be capable of producing such a delicious child myself!

I should steel myself and watch them shouldn;t I?

[Kewcumber]

do you know Sweatpeas - just for a second there I read "Actually, Kewcumber, you're lovely". Then my aging eyesight cleared!

[gillybean2]

I found this weeks program a little too emotional. It made me feel uncomfortable to be spying into a deeply emotional time for these people and I very nearly switched over at one point but it did calm down to an undersatndably deep level of emotion but not so in your face kind towards the end and I was glad I managed to stay with it.

Yes they agreed to go on the program and the tv but it's also clear that some people have been searching for a considerable time across several countries and seemigly insurmountable deadends. Yet they are desperate for answers. Desperate enough to agee to appear on tv to get the result they want/need.

It does make me wonder if they helped anyone who wouldn't agree to go on the program. Or if anyone they found wanted to contact/meet the person searching but didn't agree to go on tv as part of that.

Nicky and Davina (and the team behind them) I'm sure offer a lot of support and are of comfort to the people involved. For example I did find the piece with Nicky in the car telling a very nervous BM that his own BM had apologised when he met her and it wasn't about that at all for him very insightful as to how things can be from the other side.
But I also felt on some level that perhaps this BM should have had some kind of help and support to deal with her feelings before getting to the 'in the car on the way to meet' stage.
It's not clear if they are getting that support before, during and after filming.

I also feel that there have been all happy endings so far. Even those situations where the searched for relative has died there's a half sister or an adopted brother who has always thought of them as part of their family to make the ending happy. Also everyone they have searched for has agreed to contact.

I know they probably don't want to put people off looking and there is a fine line to tread here for those who are reluctant so some kind of happy ending is more likely to get those on the fence taking action with their own search whilst also making good television. But I think they do need to acknowledge that not all endings are happy or get the result/contact the person searching hopes for.

In my case and I'm sure others, the fear of further rejection over and above what I've already felt in terms of being rejected once by my BM is significant enough to put me off seeking and being rejected again. There is a deep fear in searching. Of rejection, of not finding, of never knowing, or finding things you didn't want too. And yet I still went looking.
There's something impossible to explain about needing to seek out where you came from and finding people who are like you or to explain in some way why you are the way you are and so different from your adoptive family.
I think this weeks program showed that side of it very well. The fear, on both sides, of rejection, not being good enough etc.

The one thing I haven't liked is the referal to BM as mum/mummy/mom. Davina refered to a BM as 'mummy' in an earlier program and one of the letters this week was signed as from 'mom'.

I would also be interested in the wider impact of this on the adoptived family who brought up the child, but also the searched for parent's or adopted child's own family (husband/children) to see what effect they think the search and finally finding their missing relative has had on the person involved.
Maybe that's a whole other program though.