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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

what can i do to change this?

32 replies

flanjabelle · 28/10/2014 11:30

I have recently left an emotionally and financially abusive relationship. I posted a while back and got the guts to Chuck him out.

Since we have split things have escalated and I had to stop him from seeing dd. He is a drug addicted, aggressive bully.

I tried to protect dd by getting legal orders to stop him from coming to our home, from having contact with dd and to make sure it's clear she is to be with me in case he tried to take her.

Despite being financially eligible for legal aid, I do not meet the other criteria as he has not been physically abusive. I was told by several different solicitors that I would need to have either; been in a refuge, been to the gp several times with injuries from dv and they could provide a letter or there be an on going investigation with the police for dv.

I have sought advice from a domestic abuse centre and they feel that I am at a medium risk of harm from my ex due to his behaviour so far. They are the ones who have advised me to try and get the legal orders following him becoming verbally abusive in front of baby dd, frightening her.

I am now in the situation of having to wait until things escalate further to be able to get help. This is madness surely? In general, there is a huge motion of awareness of domestic abuse in all forms, not just physical violence, but when it comes to it only physical violence counts.

I have spoken again to the domestic abuse advisors and they think it's madness. My situation is volatile to say the least, and I clearly need to keep my ex away from dd. The only option I have now is to refuse contaxt, keep dd with me at all times and wait.

I don't think there is any hope for my situation, but this is wrong. How can I make my feelings heard? There must be so many women in situations like mine who really need the legal help but can't access it until it's too late. Why wait until it has escalated to physical violence? Why doesn't the system help protect women and children in my situation? Is there anything I can do?

Thanks for reading, sorry its so long.

OP posts:

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 28/10/2014 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FayKorgasm · 28/10/2014 14:10

I havr no advice but just wanted to say how great you are for protecting yourself and your dd from an abusive man .

Original poster

flanjabelle · 28/10/2014 15:53

Thank you very much. I am quite proud of myself too actually. I'm giving dd the life she deserves and we are so much happier already.

I just think it's so wrong that legal aid is not available in this situation. I don't have a clue how to go about complaining and trying to change it though. If I don't get any ideas on here I will try other boards, it's just I know you pesky feminists like to fight for change!

OP posts:

cadno · 28/10/2014 20:17

The present government are in no mood for a change on Legal Aid, they have only just introduced it. I see there have been some reported case in Family Law, where very senior judges faced with the collapse of the process in their courts have made directions for the Court service to pay for representations.

Original poster

flanjabelle · 28/10/2014 20:25

I'm sorry cadno could you please simplify that a little? What do you mean by collapse of the process? I'm not very knowledgeable about legal processes.

OP posts:

cadno · 28/10/2014 21:15

In the cases I'm referring to, it was the inability of parties to properly cross-examine each other, not knowing court procedures - thinks like that.

cadno · 28/10/2014 21:16

things not thinks.

Benzalkonium · 28/10/2014 21:18

Talk to your mp?

cadno · 28/10/2014 21:19

Here's a guardian article on it

www.theguardian.com/law/2014/aug/06/top-judge-authorises-court-legal-aid-challenge-government

ZombiePuffinsAreREAL · 28/10/2014 21:20

Not sure I can offer any practical advice, but wanted to add to the voices saying well done to you.

A probably stupid suggestion, but people seem to crowdfund everything, could you? Friends/relatives might be able to help? clutches straws

Original poster

flanjabelle · 28/10/2014 21:50

I see cadno thank you very much for the link.

At the risk of appearing incredibly dense, how would I go about speaking to my mp? Aren't there lots of mps? How do I know who mine is?

Zombie thank you. I have been told that the cost would run into the thousands and although my family and friends are lovely, its just not an option.

I have one other back up plan, but again it means waiting for things to get worse. If he starts harassing me about dd I will try to get a non molestation order through the police and apparently that should help me get the legal aid.

OP posts:

ZombiePuffinsAreREAL · 28/10/2014 21:54

I am so sorry that you have to do that now. I know my brother was one of the lawyers who stood up and said that this is exactly what would happen. He knew this because I was 'lucky' enough to have gone through the system when you could still get Legal Aid without having to show your scars, and he helped me then to find a good lawyer.

Original poster

flanjabelle · 29/10/2014 07:42

If only they had all been as switched on as your brother. I'm sorry you have been through a similar situation.

OP posts:

UpWithWitchIWillNotSpook · 29/10/2014 07:51

You should he able to fins your local MP online, do a Google for your town's name and "MP" and that should get you started.

There's a thread in Relationships about "New name new game..." somewhere in the beginning of that (or towards the end of the previous one, linked) the OP has found a "rottweiler solicitor" via a women's aid one-stop shop, or similar, and the impression I got was that it was low-cost. Perhaps there's something like that near you?

msrisotto · 29/10/2014 07:55

You can find your MP here findyourmp.parliament.uk/

msrisotto · 29/10/2014 07:56

More information on contacting your mp here www.parliament.uk/get-involved/contact-your-mp/

Zazzles007 · 29/10/2014 08:53

Hi flanjabelle, if you report your own thread, and ask for it to be moved to the MN Relationships board, there are loads and loads of women there who will be able to help you out with some really good advice. I don't have any knowledge surrounding your particular situation, but there are many on the Relationships board who will .

I second what UpWithWitch has written about getting a 'Rottweiler' lawyer on your side. In this case, the poster UpWithWitch is speaking about did the Freedom Program through Women's Aid (if you are in the UK), and through the program, the person being referred to was given a Rottweiler lawyer. See if you can do the program (its free I believe), and whether that might lead somewhere.

Good for you for getting away from the ex, and reaching out for help. Strength and courage to you flanjabelle, there are many, many other women in a similar situation.

cadno · 29/10/2014 11:06

mmm...Rottweiler lawyers get put firmly into their kennels at the Family Court. Naughty doggies.

Zazzles007 · 29/10/2014 11:08

ODFOD

Zazzles007 · 29/10/2014 11:10

If you have nothing to contribute other than make disparaging remarks when someone needs help, you know what to do cadno. You have been making unsupportive, unfeminist remarks here - why is that? Do you feel you are holding up the menz side by being here?

Zazzles007 · 29/10/2014 11:12

Btw way, women are not dogs. You seem to believe that they are. Why is that cadno? Do you think women are not human?

cadno · 29/10/2014 11:21

Rottweilers are dogs. Don't expect a very aggressive lawyer to find much sympathy at a family court. If you think helping the OP by getting her represented by a such a lawyer will be helpful to her, that is a matter for yourself.

Zazzles007 · 29/10/2014 11:26

Yes, but you don't really seem to respect women, do you? Why is that? Do you perceive that you not loved enough by your mother? Do you self-identify as an MRA? All very valid questions, and I would like a response.

Zazzles007 · 29/10/2014 11:27

By putting out that a woman should go softly, softly into a divorce, are you hoping to make sure that the man in the divorce gets a better deal? Why would you post such a thing in FWR? Why would you want a woman to end up with a raw deal?

Zazzles007 · 29/10/2014 11:30

And why wouldn't a Rottweiler lawyer not get much sympathy? They aren't looking for sympathy in the first place, they are looking for a judicial outcome. I'm afraid you're not being terribly rational.

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