Mumsnet Talk

I'm just digesting a very difficult conversation with the woman who shares my pony, in which one of the things she raised was whether I should consider putting them both (horse and pony) out on loan.

I think there are a few things behind it, she shoulders a lot of the worry and she would in many ways like the pony full time and closer to her, but she has well grounded concerns about my ability to look after them. I'm shit in the winter anyway and then the added problem of my hip still not working properly. Now my car is dead and I haven't been to see them for ages I think she is right to be worried. I'm not in the financial position I started out in where I can manage to repair or replace vehicles quickly. Plus I had a hospital admission last year and am quite up and down and keep losing farriers

The way I look at it is that I pay someone to do them every day, I have the pony sharer and the horse sharer and that between us they are cared for. They would never not be cared for. But the pony has bog burn and has had to be stabled, the girl who does them for us doesn't have time to muck out - she just did their feet and rugs by or in the field each day - AND she is leaving at the end of the month.

How can I weigh up what she is saying and respond in the best interests, primarily of the horses but also everyone concerned? It's painful that she has a point but I think it might finish me off if I put them both on full loan. Welcome your thoughts on this.

No advice,but thinking of you and hope everything turns out well.

Oh how sad. If she is genuinely worried about the welfare of your horses then perhaps putting them out on loan would be the best option. Plus you can always get them back when you are back on track. Or maybe just put one out on loan and keep the other?

A very difficult decision for you. Do you feel that you can/will be able to care for them? Is this a blip, that will improve in time or do you think your finances and health are pretty much going to make horses too difficult/expensive in the long run?

Would it have to be both of them if you do feel that your position won't improve in the longer term? Could you put pony on full loan and keep the horse, with sharer? Or could you get some more help to get through this patch?

Sorry, just thinking aloud really, ignore if not helpful. I do know though that giving up our horses would break my heart and I really feel for you in this. Hope you can work something out

it just seems a bit extreme - if they were actually neglected then it would be a conversation long overdue, but as it stands there are two horses between three people plus someone who is paid to check on them daily and no neglect is happening, she just feels our safety nets are not as robust as they could be. I think the bad weather has made her panic, but they won't come to harm. Things are not so dire that I can't manage a freelance groom for the days when none of us can be there - and winter doesn't go on forever.

a huge part of it is that she wants the pony closer to where she lives, on full loan

I don't know, it was all a bit home truths hurting but a bit unfair too

TBH, I think it sounds like she just wants your pony for herself. It sounds like you have everything under control and the equines are fine - and it is a manky time of year when with the best will in the world its hard to see enough of them.

I think she is worrying about what ifs, we don't have the back up of part livery now so I need to come up with a reliable freelance equivalent for the times when none of us can get there - which has never happened anyway!

At the end of the day, they are YOUR horses. If actually it would be a weight off your mind for say, a year, then fab. But if it is not what you want, you get to choose.

Winter is shite. But it will be another 6-8wks before things really improve, it is nothing. Lots of horses get turned away for half a year (well, 3-6m) every year and it doesn't do them any harm. Maybe next year, organise it so yours can be too.

Don't be bullied into something you don't want. I have had people telling me I shouldn't have my two because I have kids and don't have enough time to exercise them regularly. My horses, my problem. Nothing to do with anyone else.

Thank you, I feel better for that.

Obviously started off with full livery, she was being a bit horrible (she wasn't on purpose, I'm just post viral and tired and tearful) about how I have always needed assistance with them - either because of work or some trauma with my children (she just doesn't have children) or my own health. But I think that is normal, to need help? I would think it was normal because that was my job, delivering various services to people with horses and dogs and angry goats when they needed help for all sorts of different reasons. There would be a problem if I denied needing extra assistance at times or refused to pay for it or whatever. Other sharer is happy.

We are at opposite ends of a spectrum with her very high standards and everything by the (bhs) book at one end and me at the 'just pick their feet out and go' other end. It usually works very well, I suppose in context she's in the middle of buying first house and it's an insecure time economically and she just married someone who doesn't like horses and resents the time and expense. Sorry, wasn't sure where else to think it through. Daren't use H&H boards where everyone goes!

She is the problem here, not you. Tbh I am amazed you have got on so well with someone so very BHS

Thanks, I needed to hear that!

I think she is horribly stressed and needs reassurance, but obviously I'm insulted that I should even have to provide it. As if I would allow them to suffer. That is why I have sharers plus casual help, for backup.

It is surprising that we (usually) get on but may be opposites attract. We usually balance each other out and then the other sharer is soooo balanced, right in the middle.

I should sleep on this. Because part of me wants to say 'fuck off then' and terminate the agreement, offering him on full loan to the other sharer who would jump at the chance. But that is not a thing to do lightly.

I also think it is HER that is the problem, I also think she wants the pony for herself without the cost of buying her own, how easy to say "hey you are rubbish and arent caring for the properly, give them to me"

How cheeky! If you have sharers and help then I dont see the problem. if you are worried can you get someone who wouldnt care about the weather who would muck out etc for free in return for riding and such.

I know my dd would gladly go and muck out what ever the weather to ride for free!

Oh how horrible for you .

If you havent got children or health issues then it must be hard to understand but if you have help in place I can't see what else you are supposed to do.

I've got two horses and two children and a dog, I've been ill today and would be lost without my helper. She comes and mucks out and checks them every morning. No shame in having paid help in and she is my safety net - being on a yard doesn't always mean any helpful help anyway!

Hope you manage to sort something out, so hard isn't it especially in winter and the price of hay, feed etc.

I think a lot of people on DIY with families and other commitments wing it a bit at this time of year don't they? I know we do. We have to do a lot of texting to make sure one of us can always get to the field but they have never been neglected, there is always some way round it. In fact, if you have paid helpers you can call on you are actually more organised than us.
I had to ring my mum earlier today to check she could do gees, as my ancient car conked out miles from home and I had to wait for the breakdown man, so I sympathise there Too!
Honestly, as others have said, they are your horses, it's up to you what you do. Tbh I would have thought more of the sharer if she'd just come out and said that she'd really like pony on full loan nearer her house and would you consider it, rather than make it about you.

I agree she's after your pony. You know the animals needs have always been met - why let her picking at you suddenly make you insecure about that?

thanks so much everyone, you've helped me go from 'shit, I had no idea I was such a fuck up' to a more balanced view

she's right in a way, if day to day life is a struggle what sort of contingency is in place for emergencies. I do have the odd protracted state of emergency! I also have contingency funds she doesn't know about - for true emergencies, colic surgery sort of situation. Not a new car!

It doesn't hurt to know that she feels anxious or put upon, I can do something, and it doesn't hurt to keep her agenda in mind either!

I think it's the timing, not relishing expense of car, house is falling down around me - literally! So was already wondering why am I so rubbish when she called.

It's my weak spot, the idea that they might come to harm. It doesn't take much to make me doubt myself there.

I don't have a contingency fund and no transport away from where they are in a true emergency. I do have insurance though, you can't do or cover everything that might happen unless money really isn't an issue.

I feel bad because mine aren't having supplements this year and they normally would, also begged a couple of rugs for my youngster rather than buying him new ones. You do what you have to do and as long as their basic needs are being met then they will certainly be fine .

She's playing on your sense of responsibility - we always wonder whether we're doing the right thing by our animals - and you sound to me a lot more organised than me. My horses are at home, dh works full time and if I'm ill or away it's all a bit of a nightmare - lists and lists of instructions and panic stricken phone calls! I do have someone who I can pay in extremis but try to avoid it.

As others have said at this time of year winter seems endless, but it won't be long before evenings are lighter (we're getting there already), and grass is coming through.

For all the difficulties and expense I wouldn't be half the person I am without my horse, dh knows that and is pretty tolerant, and I don't think you should be bullied or leaned on to do anything unless you feel it is in their and your best interests. Hang in there, ignore her as much you can, or allay her "worries" and it will all be better soon.

I don't have an actual contingency plan, or insurance. Our ponies are kept on a wish and a prayer! However, I'd find some way to deal wih an emergency. I have friends who are like your sharer. They get on my wick! My ponies are well covered, and well kept. They live naturally in a herd and are happy and well balanced they are barefoot and live on grass. they cost me minimal amounts to maintain. Friends have animals that live in, are religiously shod, rugged, fed to the eye teeth and exercised religiously. The majority of them are arsey, overweight obsessives with textbook vices.
These are your ponies, not hers. If she isn't happy wih your MO, it's time for her to move on.

Did you read the thread here about the person with 2 hours a week to spare who wanted a horse? You have a lot more to give than that! You say you have a contingency fund, then fix the car. so you can come visit Alfie at least you can give them the time you want. FWIW I think this person is a busybody, and needs to jog on!

The majority of them are start, overweight obsessives with textbook vices

Are these the horses or the riders?

We also don't have horse insurance, or much in the way of savings, if circumstances change drastically for us, the gelding goes back to his owners and the mare goes out on loan.

There have been times when we have had to rely very heavily on others but that was an emergency and most people will be happy to help in an emergency.

I agree, that if I was in your shoes I would fix my car and then wouldn't have to pay out as much on a groom. But you need to do what works for you

Damn auto correct! Should be arsey

thank you

hopefully can get car to garage today, did eventually get it started yesterday so that will help

not that that will put her entirely at ease, she was saying that even when I do them I always have help and am a bit feeble (she didn't say feeble, it was a 'you don't cope properly even when you're well' thing)! will distance myself a bit emotionally I think and remind her that as long as they are cared for it doesn't matter if someone is holding my hand while I do it to my own very low standards or who does it really

hmm she has been a bit horrible really hasn't she? Or has she? maybe she has to go

Mitchy, repeat after me.... "Off you fuck, Cuntychops" it will totally help the situation I promise

Disclaimer: Maybe just say it in your head, to avoid getting wacked around the head with a broom handle.....

She is niave, she has no kids or health problems and has probably never owned her own horse? Once she gets a bit more life experience she will see what corners can be cut without the horses coming to any harm, but for the time being she sounds a bit idealistic.

It does sound like she cares about your horses though, which is perhaps why you get along despite having different approaches.

Hard as it is I think you could do with being the bigger person and shrugging off her comments, whilst silently cursing the ground she walks on.