17 yr old son is forcing me to choose

[sjona]

My teenage son is horrid to all that are in my house including myself, but blames all around him.
he loathes my new partner who i am pregnant too we have been together for 2 yrs + and this is getting worse day by day.
They both hate each other my partner who does not live with us because of my son wants me to kick him out.....
i am desperately breaking my heart how did my son end up hating so much.
he is isolated and finds it hard to solialise, he is rude, not verbally but with his presence and his looks to anyone who comes to the house.
He is making my life very difficult my daughter wants me to kick him out.
Help.

[ilove]

Kick him out and re-affirm his conviction that you all hatre him and don't want him. My mum did this with me and now, 23 years on, things still aren't right between us and I still hate her for never giving me any time, attention and one-on-one.

He is your son. Spend time with him, tell him you love him and for goodness sake stop confirming what he already believes...that no one wants him.

[thelunar66]

If he is 17, will he not be away to university next year anyway?

[kidcreoleandthecoconuts]

It would be tempting to kick him out but I wouldn't as he's your son and he and your other children should come before any other relationship. Is he likely to be moving out of his own accord in the next couple of years anyway? I had a terrible relationship with my mum when I lived at home....her partner was a complete arse and she always put him first. My relationship with her did improve when I left home at 19 to go to uni though.

[sjona]

i tell him all the time i want him here, i was being frank for the discussion, i am trying to protect him apparently i am being too soft.
not sure if university will be next step he is at college at the moment,
i have to think about my other children too who are miserable

[sjona]

god i dont want to kick him out he is my 1st born, but he is making life so miserable and tbh i have put him before my 2yr relationship which is in taters and i am expecting a child in may by this partner.

[mumblechum]

He sounds as though he feels very much pushed out by your new relationship and the new baby.

You have to make him feel like your priority, not for ever, just for a while. Try to find out how he feels. If he won't talk to you, see if he'll go to talk to Relateen, an offshoot of Relate for the children of divorced parents.

How does he get on with his dad?

[SolidGoldBangers]

Please bear in mind that teenage boys are often horrible and they can't entirely help it, they are one big walking storm of hormones. Where is your son's actual father - can he help at all? Otherwise, try to have a talk with your son about what 3 things he would like to change about his life, and you tell him what 3 things you would lke to change, but tell him also that your relationship with your partner is not negotiable ie you will not be dumping the partner (again, I am perhaps making an assumption here - if your partner is abusive to your son or jealous of him or something then maybe your should rethink the couple-=relationship, but if it's just that your DS resents you having a partner then you need to stand your ground).

[sjona]

not much contact with his dad, think that has produced the problem with men.
i have tried getting him to counselling and he is refusing, he wont open up and says whats the point, i have also put my son 1st and not sure how it became like this.
i am a single parent and have always tried to put him 1st even before my other children as i felt he was so special seems to have backfired on me.

[sjona]

ty so much for talking everyone i am so depressed about this and just dont know what or how to change things, solidgold i will try that and i am only just pregnant 13 weeks and this have been going on for about 18 months properly the hate towards my partner, who now hates my son too.
so stuck in the middle.... i have to consider my other children 15 and 6 and this new baby how do i tell him that he is making all of us so miserable when i love him so much and dont want to loose him.

[mumblechum]

Sounds like his dad needs to get more involved, then. If he's local, maybe he and your ds could get together,even if it's just one night a week for a curry, or going to football if they're into that.

IMO, teenage boys need their dads just as much as their mums, whether they happen to still be married or not.

[sjona]

his dad lives about 5 hrs away and rings every now and then, they have seen him 3 times in maybe 8 years, he has no relationship with his dad and struggles to have a conversation with him, i have asked his dad and he says its not his place .

[mumblechum]

Oh bugger.

Any chance you have a family therapy service in your area? A neighbour of ours was in a similar situ and got a few sessions where basically a mediator listened to everyone's point of view and brokered an agreement which more or less worked out.

Difficult if your ds finds it hard to open up and the relationship between him and your new man is already damaged.

[TheProvincialLady]

If your DS will not consider counselling, would your DP consider some strategies for getting on better with your son/at least not engaging with him in arguments etc? Does he have children of his own, ie is he experienced in interacting with teenagers? Some people are rubbish at it.

It is rough that you are being told to kick your son out on the one hand and your partner on the other. BOTH of them should be told that it is not an option.

[sjona]

he just gets angry and sits red faced and quite wont open up to me at all, if he would talk and now he is 17 i cant make him, we did have someone come and talk to us as a family but son wouldnt yet again, i am trying so hard and also sent him to see our family doctor and not sure what happened he wont tell me.

[mumblechum]

Well, on the presumption that he'll be off to uni next year I'd be inclined to sit tight and let the new bloke hang on for a while.

Step families can be so fraught, I think the worst that you could do would be to let the dp come and live with you, thereby potentially forcing your ds to go and live on the streets.

[sjona]

my partner and i tried about 7 months ago to live together and my son and him got in each others face, i moved us to a new house and now my son feels that my partner shouldnt even visit which he now doesnt so i sit here night after night on my own and see him when i go over there. so my son kinda won in a way and my partner resents him very much for it so we went to relate and he has expressed that it is not for him to change but my son so he wont consider anything. my son when he visited last walked in the room threw a dirty look at my partner and stormed out..... cause more trouble as my partner left.
he has a 6 yr old son and problem now is my 6 yr old is calling him dad and there relationship is wonderful took time but they got there, i wish my older son would consider this when he is being so rude.

[mumblechum]

Your dp thinks it's not for him to change but your son???

Sorry but he sounds like a bit of an arse. Your son is still a child, I'd expect your dp to have a lot more emotional maturity than that.

[sjona]

yes mumble i am hanging in but now with me being pregnant my partner is saying that essentially my older son is preventing him from being a father to his unborn child.
great hey just imagine it me 38 weeks pregnant and them fighting. what a lovely thought or .... that i am on my own when heavily pregnant with no support because my son will NOT even just ignore my partner being here .... no he has to throw dirty looks and slam around. causing a problem

[sjona]

yes i thought the same tbh, but he has put up with alot, prob is i can see it from all points, but no one seems to give a shit that i am crying most nights from either one of them and i am stuck in the middle never mind the rest of us.
my daughter is 15 and has excepted my partner so no atmosphere just wish that son could do the same, she doesnt get a fan fare out when he comes she just continues as normal that is all i am asking,

[LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune]

Well your son might be 17 but he is still a child in many respects, your partner on the other hand is an adult and therefore rather than hating your son (which I am sure your son picks up on and reacts against) your DP should man up, grow up and act like an adult in this situation by not making things harder for you by acting like a prat and start trying until he is blue in the face to establish a better relationship with your son.

[sjona]

my older son is sat up stairs with a computer, flat screen etc etc which my partner got him, a bike in the garden etc etc, seems he takes but is not willing to just be when he visits which isnt often.

[sjona]

libras i wish .... he is from the army and says he doesnt expect to be disrespected on a daily basis like this at his age he was in the army. etc etc etc.
this has been going on so long now i cant even talk to my partner without and arguement about it.... same with my son

[LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune]

You have to earn respect and teenagers need more than material goods. If your DS is sulking and slamming doors whilst your DP is around your DP needs to ignore this behaviour and act like everything is fine whilst SUPPORTING you. Your DP is acting like a sulky teenager as well.

[sjona]

lol men eh lol

[sjona]

sometimes its like my partner is waiting for it as an excuse to have a go