Unpopular opinion?

(39 Posts)
1stworldproblemss Mon 23-May-16 22:41:54

I posted earlier today about doing my sons girlfriends washing and in the replies a few people said they wouldn't allow the girlfriend to even being staying and found it inappropriate.

All mine and my partners children are between 16 and 19 and as long as I had previously met the person they want to stay I wouldn't hesitate when saying it's fine for them to stay.

Just wondering what other parents opinions are on girl/boyfriends staying as I've always seen it as absolutely fine.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 23-May-16 22:43:39

If they're over 16, and in a relationship (ie not random) then that's fine in our house.

Wondermum81 Mon 23-May-16 23:00:41

Fine in our house too after leaving school and turning 16 if in a relationship and I wouldn't even expect my 19 year daughter, and 21 year old son when he was living with us, to ask. I would just want a heads up that someone is staying. I do expect my 17 year old son to ask though.

If them being sexually active is the reason for not allowing them to stay there comes a point where parents have to accept that our precious babies are no longer babies and are starting to have more serious, sexual, relationships. I would much rather that being happening in a safe place like my home. Also teenager don't have as much sex as adults seem to think and even if they aren't allowed to stay the night they will most likely find time to do it during the day. My kids are really open with me and have told me that they are more likely to be getting up to stuff like that whilst everyone is out during the day rather than at night when I'm at home. The best you can do is just educate your children the best you can and trust them to make the right decisions.

Also once leaving school they are usually expected to start acting more like adults and once 18 they are adults so no point treating them like children still.

Jennyf68 Mon 23-May-16 23:08:02

Nope not okay, absolutely out of order and shouldn't be happening, most certainly won't be happening in house. For starters they are too old to be having "sleepovers" like little girls. If they want to be sleeping together in the same bed in the same house they should move out and buy there own house together.

But they would never do that as we live in a world where parents are scared to give their children responsiblities. The relationship probably won't even last long enough for them to be at the point of buying their own home which is just another reason not to allow sleepovers between girlfriend and boyfriend.

ssd Mon 23-May-16 23:10:37

I've got to admit this makes me uncomfortable, not because I think my teen is a child but because it just makes me uncomfortable to meet their partner in the morning in the kitchen.....although the said partner is really lovely...

BackforGood Mon 23-May-16 23:28:35

Didn't see your other thread, so just responding to what's written here....

There are different things to consider. Not least, one of room in the house (and by that I mean queuing for the bathrooms, etc., not physically just where they sleep). There are already 5 people living in my house. I don't mind someone staying over every now and then, but I don't want extra people moving in. That will also have an impact on some people's finances - extra food etc.

In terms of when one of my dcs' partners can stay, then my rules apply, which may be old fashioned to some on here, but - my house, my rules. For me, they would need to be in an established relationship of many months standing.

WatchMeSoar Mon 23-May-16 23:34:27

I'm with wondermum on this one, my 17yr old has his GF stay over and they share a bed, been together a while and had the contraception and consent conversation.
My 15yr old is not allowed to have his GF stay over, they're underage.

I don't have a problem with GF BF overnights, no one night stands though.

Onfleek Mon 23-May-16 23:53:32

My daughters aren't at the age of wanting boyfriends to sleep over yet so I may feel differently when it actually comes to that time. At the moment though I don't feel it is appropriate, they have their own homes to stay at, id be fine with boys over during the day but at night they go home. I actually did read your other post and I did comment.

My husband has a different veiw and says he would be fine it. 18+ it would be okay to sleep on same beds, 16/17 start off in separate rooms and slowly start introducing sleeping in same beds. 16 and under just a solid no.

I just guess it is something j will deal with in 5 years when my daughters start wanting boyfriends to sleep.

Mumof2lovelys Tue 24-May-16 00:03:15

I'm okay with it as long as all my house rules are still followed and chores are being done. My son, 17 had been seeing his girlfriend since year 7 and I was amazed when they were still together 4 years later, I was aware they were sleeping together from 14 and this did make me slightly uncomfortable. Girlfriend moved out of our home town when they were 15 so could only come over weekends so I allowed her to stay then and in the same bed as I already knew sex was happening and his room and spare room are right next to each other so it would be easy from them to just sneak into each other's room once I was sleeping. They broke up now and the only girl he has asked to sleep over is his best female friend of 10+ years and Ive always allowed that. Daughter, 19, had the rule that no sleepovers in same bed with boys until 18 but she just stayed at her boyfriends instead so when she was 17 we relaxed this rule and just allowed it. Her boyfriend is over most nights.

SnuffleGruntSnorter Tue 24-May-16 00:06:05

I read your other thread, you sound like a lovely mum. They'll have sex somewhere so it might as well be in the safe environment of your house

Peebles1 Tue 24-May-16 00:11:10

Well I've done loads of other kids' washing - be it partners or just friends - as they're always leaving bits and bobs after sleepovers.

No probs with sleepovers here, but only now they're a lot older would DH allow same rooms. However, turned a blind eye to 'sneaking about'. I'd have allowed same rooms earlier, as were all in steady relationships of 2 years and above (all split up now tho!).

However, no moving in or long stays as we're crowded when all 3 are at home as it is. But if we had the room I might be ok with it, depends on the circumstances.

1stworldproblemss Tue 24-May-16 00:16:06

Thanks for all the replies.

We have 7 of us without girl/boyfriends so we do have a full house but we also have 5 toilets, 3 showers and a bath with shower over it so that's never been an issue. We do only 5 bed rooms and my step daughter and daughter share a room as they are still in school so not chance of sleepovers yet. We are changing our dining room into a bedroom for my 18 year old step son as he works funny hours and walking around in his room and then down 2 flights of creaky stairs at 4 in the morning often wakes my grumpy husband up so one of the daughters will just go into his old room.

We always have plenty of food and toiletries to go around, having 4 bathrooms full stocked often means we have plenty but if running low on something the girlfriend usually will go out and buy it if it's needed urgently.

I don't just consider my house as MY house; it is also my children's home too and I want it to be a nice welcoming place for them and all their friends and boy/girlfriends too.

Ineedanapasap Tue 24-May-16 00:20:23

No problems for me or my partner. Both my sons, 17 and 19, have their girlfriends to stay over.

I actually got heavily criticised for allowing my 19 year olds girlfriend stay with us for 4 month whilst her mum was I n hospital. I like to see my home as my sons home too and a safe place for their friends.

ASAS Tue 24-May-16 00:48:37

I don't just consider my house as MY house; it is also my children's home

^this

leonardthelemming Tue 24-May-16 00:51:58

I don't just consider my house as MY house; it is also my children's home too

Exactly! My wife and I have always thought this way - it's what we signed up to when we accepted parental responsibility. It's not "My house, my rules" but rather "Our house (i.e. all of us), and we'll have a discussion about rules if and when it proves to be necessary." Mostly it wasn't necessary. They're both grown-up now, and have their own places. We all get on fine together.

Jennyf68 Tue 24-May-16 01:17:31

Having girlfriends to sleepover are for adult relationships not teenagers.

Also you may feel that way about it not being just your house but whilst I'm paying all the bills it is my house.

leonardthelemming Tue 24-May-16 08:03:32

Having girlfriends to sleepover are for adult relationships not teenagers.

In an earlier post you said this:

The relationship probably won't even last long enough for them to be at the point of buying their own home which is just another reason not to allow sleepovers between girlfriend and boyfriend.

On another thread I linked to some evidence that suggested that a parental attitude that does not allow this may be a contributory factor in the break-up of a relationship. I fully accept this does not prove such a link - but then science does not try to prove things to be true anyway.

When we were that age it was not allowed (I was not even allowed in my gf's room - we had to sit in the kitchen). This was so long ago that society as a whole disapproved. When our children were that age we did allow it. In fact we were never asked - our children knew we would be OK with it and that we would only expect to be introduced.

I find it interesting that people who, I guess, are younger than me, are of the same opinion as my parents' generation.

Florida41 Tue 24-May-16 09:12:38

hi ,
my son is 20 and has a girlfriend of 2 years which lives a few hundred miles away and has been to visit a couple of times ,(he has stayed at hers as well in same bedroom)
BUT while at ours when she stays he sleeps on the settee and she sleeps in his room , the reason for this is not that I don't allow it but the fact that I have a 14 and 16 girls and the 16 year olds bedroom is right next door to his ,
she is not comfortable with them sharing the same room as the walls are quite thin.
unless the whole house is comfortable with it it don't happen as its her home as well .
I feel that there are lots of factors involved in letting boy/girl friends sleep over , age , long term ,short term relationship , respect for the rest of the house et

Orac Tue 24-May-16 14:10:16

I don't just consider my house as MY house; it is also my children's home

Absolutely.
I don't see that changing even when they leave home and have homes of their own. Just as I don't resent any money I spend on them. Or lifts. Or time spent with them.
20 year old has GF stay over occasionally they've been together 2 years. 18 year old has yet to have a gf, I would expect them to be reasonably serious before sleepovers.

SausagesAndMashed Sat 28-May-16 01:19:44

I don't have a problem with it at all. My DD recently turned 21 (but still lives at home due to going to the local Uni) and has been with her other half for a year now. Although DH and I have told them that he's welcome to stay over anytime, DD still checks it's okay in advance, and only has him over for special occasions such as the night before her 21st, or after a big BBQ we had recently. DD said it makes the evening more special if they don't have nights together so often (and he's a bit of a duvet thief in his sleep). They're saving for a deposit on a house for when she's finished Uni, and she knows she'll have every evening with him until then.

circular Sat 28-May-16 07:48:22

Two DDs here, 18 and 13. Until DD1 started dating, I thought we would be uncomfortable with it, as not the 'open house' type family and enjoy our privacy.
DD1 still with first BF (over 18 months) have stayed at each other's several times, though never been more than 2 consecutive nights. Never found it awkward, he's welcome anytime, same as she is at his. And our houses are about a 20min walk apart. I have more issues with girls staying over, as so giggly and noisy, so have a no weekday sleepover rule there.

Both been away at Uni this year, within easy commute of each other so get together every couple of weekends while away. And still stay at each other's on odd days when home in holidays.
If they broke up, pretty sure I wouldn't want her bringing some random new partner home.

Secretly hoping DD2 also waits till 17 to start dating, does make the situation so much easier hmm

Jenny at what point do 'teenagers' become 'adults'? DD1 and BF have been living away in Uni halls. They will both be in shared private rentals soon, in their respective Uni towns, responsible for bills etc but won't be living together. But they can sleep over at each other's whenever they want. i really don't see what living together has to do with it. Plenty of 20 or 30 somethings have serious relationships without wanting to move in together.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 28-May-16 07:49:43

We don't have a problem with it.

Alvah Sat 28-May-16 16:47:57

If they are 16 I don't see a problem with it. I grew up with a rigid thinking, christian mother who saw sex as sinful and should only happen in a marriage.

I know that my DS 15 and his girlfriend are sleeping together, and they manage to do this despite not staying over at each others houses!! I actually prefer them both being at home at the weekend instead of being out with friends drinking or doing drugs confused

I suppose a time will come when they will want to stay overnight together, but I expect they will be 16 before we get to that stage.

It is strange to get my head around my DS being in an 'adult' relationship...and i do not want any obvious signs of them doing it, however I am proud of my DS as from what I can see he is a very respectful and kind boyfriend.

We can discuss the importance of being responsible and safe and despite it being slightly uncomfortable, I would much rather my children have a healthy attitude to sex than one built on shame.

bringbacksideburns Sat 28-May-16 21:23:37

It's a totally different situation when you live in a good sized house with 5 bedrooms and several bathrooms though isn't it?

It's not as ' in your face' as it would be in a 3 bed 1 bathroom house. Especially one with walls paper thin.

I've no idea how we would react as my kids haven't got relationships yet. At the moment I don't see my 15 year old as mentally and emotionally mature enough to have a serious sexual relationship, in which a girlfriend would stay over regularly when he turns 16 in September, no. I think it's too young.

I'm also reminded of my best friend who virtually moved into her boyfriend's home at 17, used to rave about his right on mum bringing them cups of tea in bed in the morning. Then ended up having an abortion and failing all her A Levels.

It depends on a lot of factors I suppose. But under 18 would make me uncomfortable.

Alvah Sat 28-May-16 23:56:11

It would very much depend on the situation. I only ever heard something suspicious once, and made it clear I'd not like to choke on my Saturday night dinner again!! confused

They are different and ready for different things at different times. Girls often earlier than boys. Some of them will engage in sexual relations early, others late. The 16 year legal age is a suitable age in general, but they are not all going to start having sex at 16.

A teenage pregnancy can happen as easily behind a park bush as it could anywhere else. The main thing is they are aware of health, pregnancy and emotional risks.

By the way, in regards to the laundry, if I find clothing left behind by DS's friends, I have been known to pop them in the wash alongside ours.

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