To feel as if I am trapped in an abusive relationship?

(55 Posts)
washyourhairforgodssake Thu 06-Jun-13 22:06:25

With our 14 year old DD?

Sorry, that is not to belittle people in abusive relationships but I feel utterly broken by our DD. She is angry, no, furious, aggressive, loud, bullying and poisonous. I know these are strong words but it is the truth. We all creep around her and every day hinges on what kind of mood she is in. She shouts, is totally abusive, wakes up every day in a rage and if anyone so much as looks as her she starts yelling, slamming doors and hurling insults. Same when she gets home - she will come in the room from school and just sit there glowering about something that happened at school, of course I never respond in the 'right' way though I try to and she storms off to her room shouting. I feel intimidated by her. I try to stand up to her and tell her her behaviour is not acceptable, as does my DH, but it always ends in horrific scenes. She makes her brother's life a total misery and physically abuses him, he cannot even enter a room without her snarling poison at him.

She has no friends and never goes out. This makes her totally miserable and even angrier. She doesn't do particularly well at school despite our constant encouragement - it is very hard to help her with her work as she just tells us to get out or leave her alone. I would be surprised if she does well enough to leave home and go to University or college in two years which is the only thing that keeps us going. I honestly wish we could win the lottery so we could send her to boarding school, that sounds awful I know but she is destroying our family with her awfulness.

I have been to the GP twice but she was unable to help and said as she was functioning OK at school and socially she could not refer us and was only able to suggest Vit b6 for her moods, which hasn't helped.

I wonder if she has inherited mental health issues at times. Her father, not my DH, was an awful, abusive man who severely physically and emotionally abused me. She has never met him but it seems like life is playing a sick joke on me in that she has turned out to have a personality like his, but this time I can't walk away. I don't think it's just her being a teenager as she has always been difficult, it's just getting worse though and I am afraid, I feel like it's only a matter of time before she physically attacks me.

This is so awful but sometimes I wish she had never been born. She brings nothing but misery to our lives, honestly, nothing positive at all.

MalcolmTuckersMum Thu 06-Jun-13 22:08:31

How awful for you. I have no experience of anything like this but I do hope someone comes along who can help.

pictish Thu 06-Jun-13 22:10:53

I have no advice either but I wanted you to know I had read. Sounds very hard indeed. x

thebody Thu 06-Jun-13 22:13:20

So sorry, please move this thread to the teen section or teen mental illness. You will honestly get good advice.

bountyicecream Thu 06-Jun-13 22:14:18

I have no experience of this, but there was a similar thread on the relationships board a while ago involving a teenage daughter and mum. I know there weren't any easy answers or quick fixes, but there were definitely more ideas than vitamin B. Unfortunately I cannot remember the title but perhaps this will jog someone elses memory. Ir maybe even move this thread to relationships?

MammaTJ Thu 06-Jun-13 22:21:11

Such is the mother and daughter relationship at 14 years old.

Here is MammaTJ baring her soul.

I adored my one and only, my DD1. She was perfect. She wanted me to have more DC, which I did when she was 10 and a half and again a year later. Yes, I asked her to help, but not overly much. She went moaning to her dad that I treated her like a slave!! She ended up stropping off and moving in with him!! Best thing that could have happened, although it broke my heart at the time. I no longer had to do 'Get up' 'Have you done your course work' 'Tidy your room', her dad had to do that!! Our relationship got better!!

Teen girls and their mums rarely get on well, if their mums are bothering to try anyway. Those that do get on, are not imposing any discipline imo!!

washyourhairforgodssake Thu 06-Jun-13 22:21:26

Thank you for your kind words. I just posted here to get more traffic, feeling very alone and tearful, DH is out and she is storming about upstairs and I actually feel sick that she's going to come down and pick a fight with me, I don't have the strength.

Joiningthegang Thu 06-Jun-13 22:24:15

This isn't like being in a domestic abuse relationship - this is domestic abuse
She is perpetrating physical abuse against her brother
She is abusive to you

I have no answers but the reason it feels bad is because it is - there are courses on teen violence toward parents - worth a google

Thinking of you x

Joiningthegang Thu 06-Jun-13 22:25:50

Mama tj - sorry to hear you are having it hard too - but I don't regard the ops situation as in any way "normal"

awaynboilyurheid Thu 06-Jun-13 22:25:53

she sounds very unhappy and angry with her life maybe she is very sad in some way, not easy but trying to show you care as it must be horrible for her to have no friends at school and perhaps you are suffering her anger at this with maybe some jelousy towards her brother ? I know its difficult when we are only going with some of the facts in your post and not full picture but have you tried gently telling her you love her and want to help maybe gently slowly slowly showing her in small ways , could you get some family counselling go back to Gp and demand help for her through teen counselling she sounds like she needs it

I was like this in my teens and it was actually quite severe depression and premenstrual dysphoria which is now being treated with medication and CBT.
I would get a 2nd opinion if I were you

ImperialBlether Thu 06-Jun-13 22:29:05

Is she ever OK with you, OP? Is there anyone she can talk to? Does she get worse around her periods?

My brother was like this and I have to say I longed for him to be sent away or to be sent away myself. Now, though, with children who have gone through their teens, I think anyone who's acting so awfully is in a very bad place. She must feel awful, as well as making you feel awful.

She does need your help. She can't ask for it but she desperately needs it. Go back to the doctor and insist on a referral to hospital. Contact social services and tell them you need help. Tell the school you need help. Don't keep this a dirty secret - it's not your fault. Keep on and on until you get help for all of you.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 06-Jun-13 22:30:07

OP you absolutely are NBU.sad

Your DD's anger and aggression need addressing. Is the a counsellor available at her school? She would probably get an appointment there much quicker than through a GP.

And perhaps you may want to think about some counseling for yourself. It sounds as though your DDs behaviour has been triggering for you. Talking it through with someone can help you conquer these demons and make you stronger.smile

blueballoon79 Thu 06-Jun-13 22:31:20

I was also like this in my teens. I put my parents through hell. I feel incredibly remorseful now but I was suffering from severe depression and actually attempted suicide aged 15.

I second the advice to get a second opinion.

Some GPs are hopeless when it comes to mental health problems and it sounds to me as though she's really hurting.

I can remember I always felt like I was hated unwanted and wanted to die.

It was a bleak horrible time.

washyourhairforgodssake Thu 06-Jun-13 22:32:14

I think she does have depression tak1ng, I tried to suggest this to the GP but she (dd) said firmly that she did not (she was there too)and the GP took her at her word.

I try so hard to be kind and loving to her even though she is so horrible back to me, then I'm afraid I'm teaching her it's ok to be nasty to me as she will get away with it. Like, she sneered at me for 'only' giving her a fiver spending for a school day trip, I probably should have given her nothing to teach her a lesson as my dh suggested - she expects a huge fuss to be made of Xmas and birthdays and goes on about them for months in advance and about what she wants then is ungrateful about her gifts - sometimes she will go into a foul mood after she has opened them as they are never exactly right or there will be something she didn't get, if you buy her something nice even like a cupcake in the supermarket she will rudely tell you that she doesn't like that flavour. So she ends up getting very little and constantly moans about that and how crap her life is.

cory Thu 06-Jun-13 22:33:30

Sounds a very difficult one. A couple of suggestions that I would probably try:

ask for a meeting with the school (class tutor, HOY, Senco- whoever you think might be useful) and see if they have noticed any issues

also talk to school about her performance- see if there is anything they can do to help (this is probably not a good time for you to get very involved in her school work); doing better at school might be one thing that could help her feel better about herself

pick your battles- decide on one or two things that are absolutely unacceptable (I would say physical violence towards anyone as definite no 1, bullying younger brother as no 2) and clamp down on those every time. Let everything else go for the time being

let her know- casually- that you would be calling the police if she ever attacked you physically. And be absolutely prepared to stick to it.

try to forget about her father- not because mh issues can't be hereditary, of course they can, but because relating this situation with your dd to the situation where you were abused as a helpless victim will make it far harder for you to deal with her effectively

if she does have mh issues, then that is her problem (and yours!). but it has nothing to do with what went on between you and her ex

if the school think there is a serious problem, they can refer her for CAHMS treatment; this is the sort of thing the SENCO or school counsellor can do

cory Thu 06-Jun-13 22:34:52

totally agree with others who have mentioned depression

the school may actually have more experience of dealing with teen depression than the GP has

cory Thu 06-Jun-13 22:38:28

"Like, she sneered at me for 'only' giving her a fiver spending for a school day trip, I probably should have given her nothing to teach her a lesson as my dh suggested"

I think here it might if you could manage to disengage a little bit and not take it personally. You have given her the fiver, that was your decision so that is what she's getting, you don't have to react at all to what she is saying about it; your decision was good so you don't have to feel guilty either that it was too much or not enough. Treat it like a toddler tantrum "that wasn't a very nice thing to say dear" and get on with your own life.

What comes through with every new detail is how very unhappy she seems.

washyourhairforgodssake Thu 06-Jun-13 22:39:19

Thank you all, I am going to contact the school tomorrow and her GP again.

It is just an endless nightmare - I can't see how it will end - if I thought she would do well in her exams and go off to uni that would be one thing but it feels as if we will be stuck with her forever, I would never throw her out as my mum did that to me when I became pregnant with her and I vowed I would never do that to my own child.

thebody Thu 06-Jun-13 22:39:28

Cory, absolutely spot on.

I have had 4 teens (2 are girls) they have moments but not like this op. this isn't normal and she/you need help.

It's unfair on you all especially your ds.

Things need to change and she needs to understand that you as a family mean business.

ballstoit Thu 06-Jun-13 22:49:58

If you can pm me what county you're in, I'll have a look through my parenting network stuff and see which organisations have services in your area.

I'd reiterate the suggestion to ask school for help. Also wonder whether family therapy may help...there seem to be lots of issues aside from dd's behaviour which it may help you address. Your self esteem, the dynamics within the home (is ds your dh's ?), and the issues about your Dd's father are all impacting to create a very difficult situation for all of you.

Jux Thu 06-Jun-13 23:11:50

How can your gp say she is functioning socially when you say she has no friends and never goes out? Clearly she isn't functioning socially.

foreverondiet Thu 06-Jun-13 23:16:41

Need to get school to refer to camhs. Go into school and explain what's going on at home and insist they refer her. Also back to gp this time without her - and take examples... Also can you afford private counselling?

mummymeister Thu 06-Jun-13 23:17:49

OP you are right to be worried. this is way beyond normal teenage behaviour. something is underlying it. either depression, hormones etc. she needs help and you need help. start by talking to as many people as you can - head and form teacher, other teachers, GP, local counselling services etc. You cannot live your life like this and I am afraid you have to give her lots of help and support but also stand up to her. this behaviour cant go on can it. you are at the end of a very long teather.

IKnowWhat Thu 06-Jun-13 23:26:44

I have no advice but just wanted to say that I am sorry you are going through this.
Does she eat properly and get enough sleep? It can be hard to get teenagers to go to bed at a sensible time.

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