Mumsnet Talk

Thanks to Mumalot, SecondhandRose and Madlizzy, your posts have all made me feel much better and I need to bear in mind that DS is happy if a bit bored on occasion during the holidays.

Mumalot - you are right I would prefer to know he is safe and not out somewhere "up to no good".

I have triplets who will be 14 in a few weeks. Two boys and one girl. The boys socialise via xbox and computer whilst DD would be out and about all the time if she could. DS1 was the same - spent pretty much 4 years in his bedroom, emerging as a rather lovely young man. They do socialise at school, so they are seeing people, they just prefer home to seeing them out of school as well. Take it as a compliment.

LOL to 'discovering themselves'. My DS is 18 in a few weeks and we can add him to the list of those who don't go out. Don't drink, don't smoke, don't go out but loves his XBox. He does talk online to people and he has his own You Tube channel that he gets paid to host through advertising but meeting 'real' people only happens at school.

Can I just put a slightly different perspective on this. My DS was exactly the same, life and soul of the x-box party but could never be bothered to go out and hang with the friends from his old primary school who would knock and call for him. it used to worry me that he was being such a lazy arse hermit. Then I started to do bit of voluntary work on the fringes of youth justice and mentoring. Now I firmly believe there is a lot to be said for knowing where my teenage DS is every minute of the day and night! I am so grateful he is my own little couch potato and not out mooching with mates of an evening - some of whom, I now realise, are caught up in things they shouldn't be, even though they are nice kids at heart. It's paranoid I know but believe me, even in the most middle class/rural/suburban enclave there are so many dodgy goings-on that teens can be seduced into joining in with when they are too immature to just walk away - especially boys who don't want to lose face in front of so-called mates.

Now I love the fact DS just wants to veg and let me wait on him hand and foot. I know the biggest risk to his health is bed sores from too long on the sofa and a deathly pallor from too little fresh air!! He's 15 and soon enough he'll be off I'm sure but until then I'm happy not to run the gauntlet of teenage parties, smuggled booze and druggy temptations any sooner than I have to.

Sometimes choosing the x-box is a sensible kid's self-preservation against what their peers are up to!!

I am the same as you worriesRus. My son 16 this year and he's been same since 13, apart from the odd visit to pictures, he never sees any friends outside of school and I know they all meet up and go out, but he never seems to be invited. He wont talk about it and even when I suggest doing some organised activity, No he won't entertain it. I know what you mean, wish he was younger and I could organise something for him. I am hoping I can spur him on to do something, anything, so he won't be stuck in his room all summer long. GGrrrr indeed, I know exactly how you feel, and its a constant worry.

I started this thread during the last school holidays and here we are - February half term, in the same position. My 12 year old DD is organising activities, meetings with friends but DS again is up in his room, doing his own thing (being bored). He has admitted he would like to meet up with friends but will not get in touch with any of them. I've said they're probably the same and would love to hear from him but he answers with "why don't they phone me then?"

Oh for the days when I contacted mums and organised their days for them!

Grrrrrr!

I think with boys it's particularly hard if they don't like sport - especially football. My son has had several very good friends who are really into their football, and he really could not be less interested. It means that he's happy for them to come over to us for the evening for a chat and a movie, but he is reluctant to go anything where there will be a group of boys as it will inevitably turn into a footy kickabout, and he refuses to join in!

My 13 yo is just like this. He makes friends perfectly easily, and is pretty popular I think, but he just can't be bothered to make arrangements to fill his time outside of school. He loves school, and he will occasionally invite one friend over at a time for a sleepover, (if I nag him to) but he will go to anything he is invited to, and is quite excited at the prospect so I don't think it's that he genuinely doesn't like to be around people. I too think it's a confidence thing and a fear of rejection. And he will never have more than one friend over at a time - But I worry he doesn't get invited to enough, because he is so happy to lay low and be off most people's radars most weekends, that eventually they'll forget about him.

We moved recently to somewhere where there a lots of lads of a similar age in close proximity, and a couple of them knew him through mutual friends. All really nice kids - he doesn't dislike them at all but he's just completely passive about it. At first they would all come knocking for him after school but after a while they just gave up because he just doesn't reciprocate and he can't even be bothered to go out and hang out with them for more than 15 minutes before he's back! They'll all be kicking a football of riding their bikes around and he's just not interested.

Honestly, he can get up at the weekend, sit in his TV room with his laptop and his PS3 and literally NOT MOVE until it's time for bed. The same almost every night after school as well. It drives me nuts. He hates sport and refuses to join any clubs of any sort. I've forced him into a couple of things, which he enjoys, but left to his own devices he'd still rather stay on the sofa. He's a lovely boy and a good boy, and his personality is outgoing, so I just don't get it.

And he has a real thing about not wanting to socialise with more than one person at a time. We live somewhere hot and have our own pool. There are endless opportunities for pool parties but he won't entertain the idea at all.

Hi, my son is exactly the same. He is 15, has friends at school and never goes out at weekends. I know he would love to but I think he too lacks confidence, has low self esteem and just hasn't got the confidence to ask to join in. It's so awful as you just can't do it for them at this age. It's also my sons birthday soon and he says he doesn't want to anything! I know this isn't the case really, he would love to do something, but just hasn't the confidence to bring himself to ask. I am hoping with age, he will slowly get there, but it is hard to deal with. Hope it helps to
Know you are not on your own with this problem.

Sorry to lower the tone, but I had a sudden epiphany the other day.

I think these 14 year old lads are 'discovering themselves'.

I don't think we should be too concerned, as once the novelty wears off they will start going out more.

Very relieved to come across this thread and realise my DS is the same as many others!! He is 14, loves his x box and the social side of it, but try to get him to organise something etc, it is all "too much effort"!!

I miss the days of us all going out for the day, but most of the time he obviously finds me and his DSis far too embarrassing to be seen with! .

DS is 14 and going through a hermit phase. A lot of people say this is just a phase. Also, who's to say that everyone should be an extrovert anyway.

OP, do you live in a rural area? We do, and part of the problem is that friends can live so far apart. Families are busy with their routine, so it's difficult to meet up.

Of course, there are always parents who love to tell you about all of their DC's achievements, social lives and clubs etc. I'm sure it's insecurity, or they wouldn't feel the need to bang on to others about it.

This all sounds so familiar - my 14 year old is exactly the same - appears to have plenty of friends at school, is a happy, polite boy, spends a lot of time on the computer, chatting etc but just not interested in going out or having friends over! When he has tried to organise things in the past he has been knocked back - people saying they can't be bothered etc. which I think has inevitably had a negative effect.

This is in complete contrast to his younger sister who is constantly arranging social events - probably too much!

Carlota2's comment struck a chord with me - it is hard when other people are constantly going on about how active their children are socially. I have worried constantly about this over the last 3 years or so and sometimes it makes me feel quite depressed. Reading these posts really helps me to realise that there are plenty of other kids just the same. Let's hope they eventually find their feet and in the meantime we should continue to love and support them for who they are.

I have experienced very similar with my boys. The older one finally started to hang out with a small group of boys from school when he was getting on for 15. These were friendships that had evolved (very) slowly at secondary. It was a relief! It's still not easy tho' as there's often hassles and let-downs when he tries to arrange things. Now my younger one, nearly 13, is just the same. He doesn't want to see friends outside school, saying 'I prefer to be with my family' when what he really means is in front of a screen! It's reassuring that there's lots of other boys like them out there, and I know from experience that they do get a life in the end.

It's normal. They are all going through the peak phase of puberty between starting at 13 and ending at 16 and these days boys prefer to sit that out in their bedrooms while chatting over their headsets on the xbox. Give it two years and you'll be complaining they are too sociable and you never see them!

Slambang I suppose all generations are experimental in their own way - for instance I think mine was amongst the first to be able to natter for hours on the phone to each other, which in retrospect may have meant that we spent less time meeting up (though we did do lots of meeting/mooching as well, in fact). So I suppose observant parents might have said hmm, has the phone made them less inclined to go out?

Having said that, I think that electronic communications are definitely different from phoning/talking face to face - but I don't know what the differences really are, or mean! I suppose you can 'prepare' more what you say and how you reply - does that mean you are never quite as spontaneous with each other, and if so is that good or bad? Actually of course at school dteens still have a lot of face to face contact, so maybe it is for adults that the change to text/e-mail is more significant. I think I'm rambling off the subject here a bit - though it is relevant in a way, because it's all to do with the fact that current teens' ways of interacting socially are very different from even ten years ago.

my 13 year old is the same...not interested in having friends over just wants to go in room on xbox, although atleast he is communicating with his friends online, they never stop shrieking and laughing! so i know he's ok, hopefully this phase will pass.

I'm yet another mum of a 14 year old who doesn't socialise. It's quite reassuring to hear so many others are around. Ds has some friends but would prefer to stay at home with the X box than go out with them. Ds was asked by his best friend's dad if he wanted to come home with best friend after footy last weekend. Ds muttered and shuffled and then explained he'd prefer not because he wanted to play on the X box. Was v embarrassing.

Ds says he doesn't see the point of actually seeing his friends in the holidays because he can play with them online. If they have to see each other it just prevents them from playing.

One of the problems I think is what do they actually do when they get together. The only option round here seems to be to 'go into town' mooch round the shops, buy sweets and linger in Game or HMV. For ds, who has a lifelong hatred of shopping and no interest in clothes or music this is not very appealing. The cinema is only good for once or twice a holiday (too young for the 15 films, too grown up for the PG ones). Organising enough people to have a game of footy seems beyond them.

I do think their generation is an experimental group of guinea pigs. We don't know whether growing up communicating almost entirely through games consoles and facebook is going to limit or enahnce their ability to communicate face to face as adults.

It is Herrena! School is quite a unique environment really, suits some forms of social being more than others, so I suppose it's not surprising that some find it easier when they get to university or work.
As you say, important that we as dps don't make things harder - though can be difficult sometimes to walk the line between encouraging and hassling!

Hi, I have no experience of this (my DSs are under 2yo!) but just wanted to say that I was a pretty introverted teenager myself. My DM hated it and kept on going on about how worried she was that I wasn't going out with friends. I suppose she meant well but it did not increase my confidence in any way.

I'm sure you are all trying to be sensitive with your DC but just wanted to flag that point. As it turned out, I really branched out at Uni when I found all the people like me (there were no kindred spirits at my school) and now have a wide circle of friends. So hopefully that's reassuring!

I think in the holidays some dteens like to just 'get away' from school, and that may mean they're not that interested in seeing friends - they are glad of a break, which perhaps is not that surprising given that school is quite 'intensive' socialising.

Carlota and Worries (and all others in this position!) do you think any of the people at ds' out of school activities might be more amenable than school friends to socialising - maybe drama people would be interested in going to theatre, scouts on some outing like bowling, or something like that?

Texting friends is good in a way because less nerveracking than phoning - on the other hand people can sometimes not notice texts, be busy when they come in etc - whereas phone would at least get a response. On the other hand my impression is that some teenagers simply don't phone, particularly not on landlines -and aren't used to being phoned!

I think it's fairly normal at that sort of age. They are past the parents arranging things, but not quite ready to sort things out for themselves.
I have a dd of 14 who will arrange something with her friends perhaps 3 times a year, but when ds was 14, nothing that needed "organising" every happened. Even now at 16 / 17, there's only one lad that sorts them into going for a curry together. Other 'planned' social events only happen when the girls organise them.

Just to reassure some of you (I hope ) my son was completely socially isolated between about 13 and 16 ,mainly because he was at a school he disliked and didn't fit in because he as an aversion to all team sports. He spent all his free time on the computer or Xbox. At 16 he changed schools ( to a mixed sex school) and got a part time job and has completely changed and now has a great social life!

ah -- needless to say that negotiating those mums'friends' that constantly mention how many parties and invitations their sons get and how many girlfriends they have and how popular they are becomes a rather emotional rollercoaster.

Dear all, thanks for all your responses. I have a feeling now that, as Moca1 and WorriesRus say, that this may be more my problem that my son's! Still it was quite hard to hear from him one day that although he was happy on his own he felt he was missing the 'normal interaction that a teenager should have with his peers' (sometimes he seems more grown up than myself) Like in soulresolution case my son got a PS3 because I suggested it after he said one day 'perhaps friends don't want to come to my home because I don't have gadgets' He wasn't interested in it at all and the irony is that now he is rather addicted to it and friends still don't come! grrr... you can never win. On top of it he is starting to develop some interest in girls (he has been a latecomer on this front) and I know he feels bad and insecure because he is excluded from the parties/discos that the school friends organise where the gender dynamics emerge. I am lucky that he is involved in many extra school activities, drama, music, tennis...and I'm hoping that this 'peer interaction' he misses is compensated a bit by his participation in these activities with kids of his age.

It is difficult to know what to do or whether to do anything at all and let it be. As Moca1 says perhaps my son will be capable to organise his own social life at latter stages. It is a funny age these early teen years indeed...