14 year old DD makes everyone miserable

(53 Posts)
Spidermama Sat 29-Dec-12 14:39:20

She is completely intolerant and even just the sound of her younger brothers talking quietly makes her fume, shout at them to 'Fuck Off' and if they don't she gets violent with them.

We've had a little break from her abusive behaviour because we've had family around for Christmas but today she seems to be making up for lost time.

She's been SCREAMING. Telling everyone to Fuck Off. I told her she had to go to her room but she simply didn't. I can't man handle her. I tried over and over again but she refused deciding instead to stay downstairs abusing her brothers.

I said, 'I'm NOT putting up with this'. I went up to her room and confiscated her 'phone, ipod and camera and hid them in my sock drawer. I came downstairs and told her they were confiscated and she could have them back one by one when she can show and improvement in her behaviour.'

I carried on with the laundry and before I knew it she'd been in my room, found the stuff and taken it all back. I said give me it back. She wouldn't. Feeling completely powerless and utterly disrespected I flipped and shouted at her through her bedroom door (she was holding it closed so I couldn't come in and talk to her) things like this, 'You are NOT going to be allowed to spoil things anymore. You are being HORRIBLE. I'm NOT having it. You NEVER say sorry. You're really nasty to everyone in the house and you are NEVER sorry. I will not have another year of this.'

I didn't swear but I was shouting in a mad woman sort of way between sobs. Soon afterwards she went out but before doing so launched a chemical attack on my bedroom spraying what smells like it must be an entire can of Impulse into my room.

I don't what to do about her. She's making all our lives a misery.

Here's one idea: She's supposed to be getting a desktop computer in the sales for a late Christmas present as is her brother. I could refuse to buy it. The only problem is that she really needs it for homework and we're hoping it'll make her go and spend more time in her room instead of downstairs shouting at everyone all the time.

LadyKinbote Sat 29-Dec-12 14:46:41

I was a psychopath handful at that age. I think it's a bit like toddler tantrums where you're struggling to contain an excess of emotion. It's not easy but I think you need to keep calm and think of one easily enactable punishment (such as confiscating the phone but find a better hiding place!). As with a toddler, give her a warning before the punishment and always follow it through. And make a fuss of her when she's being good - she's probably quite miserable underneath all that aggression. (Mine aren't teenagers yet so this probably isn't as easy in practice!)

specialsubject Sat 29-Dec-12 14:48:32

she's a vandal and a thief so this needs to be stopped. No presents, no cash, no clothes, no makeup, no stinky sprays (yuk) The phone, ipod and camera go to the pawn shop ASAP, she won't get them back from there.

does she really need a computer for homework? Can't she stay late at school and use one of theirs?

AfterEightMintyy Sat 29-Dec-12 14:50:30

I am sorry you are having to put up with this, sounds dreadful.

3littlefrogs Sat 29-Dec-12 14:52:53

You need to put a lock on your bedroom door.

Who pays for her phone? I would stop paying for it until the behaviour improves. BUT you need to sit down and talk to her and listen to her.

What is going on at school? What is going on with her peergroup/friendships?
Is any of this behaviour hormonal?

Who buys the cans of impulse?

What is the family set up?

Clearly something has gone badly wrong somewhere, and you need to find out what it is before you can begin to fix it.

Then you make a set of rules with sanctions and rewards and stick to it.

3littlefrogs Sat 29-Dec-12 14:54:16

Is her father around?

How does he deal with this behaviour?

insancerre Sat 29-Dec-12 14:56:23

I have a lovely 16 yr old DD but 2 years ago I could have written your post, OP.
It was living hell and I really didn't like her at all most of the times.
I tried grounding her, taking away things and forbidding her to do things. The only thing that seemed to work was stopping her pocket money.
I set the ground rules- what time to come in, what language and behaviour was not acceptable etc
I tried not to argue with her or engage with her when she was 'on one' but told her firmly what the consequences would be.
Like dealing with toddlers, I picked my battles and tried not to have too many rules.
We have come through it and I AM SO PROUD of her, but it was tough.
I wouldn't not buy her the computer, like you say she needs it for school but make sure she replaces the Impulse.

ILoveTIFFANY Sat 29-Dec-12 14:59:13

I also have a 16 year old who at that age was similiar ( ok, worse) but who is now a dream

Pick your battles and keep emotion out of all dealings with her

gabyjane Sat 29-Dec-12 15:24:32

I sympathise with you, have no answers im afraid but have exactly the same problem going on. We have a battle going on all the time and the latest thing is she wants to go and live with her step dad. I have said no but because he doesn't back me on stuff hes the good guy with no boundaries so she finds his house very appealing.
I have confiscated things off her but like you she just goes into my room and takes them back. She has taken things of mine anyway and even when i find them in her room she acts oblivious? Very very hard and have just got back from a friends upset not knowing what to do about it all.

Spidermama Sat 29-Dec-12 15:34:36

3littefrogs I pay for her phone. It's a good idea to stop paying but she's on a contract. Also, unusually for a girl her age, she's not too bothered about her phone as she doesn't use it much.
I have talked to her and listened to her for a year or more now. The tyranny continues.
School is very tough for her socially but her work is excellent (almost too excellent as she stresses a great deal about homework etc)

She buys her own Impulse <gag>

Thanks IloveTiffany and Insancerre. I really hope things get better. I've heard this before from other mums. When she's nice she's really lovely but she seems to suddenly go power mad and rages around the house like a dictator crushing everyone in her path. It's horrible for her younger brothers and I really hate that the 7 year old hears the F word so readily.

Her Dad is around though out at work today. He gets it even worse than I do. She goes mental at him and he is quick to shout and swear back which is very unhelpful. He boils over pretty easily. He's a good man though and does try really hard.

I think her trouble socialising at school plays a big role. Both of her close friends are away all Christmas so she's been 'trapped' with her little brothers, annoying parents and cousins (all younger than her). She doesn't seem able to control her temper at all. She literally SCREAMS! I'm worried the neighbours will think it's me and I'm a loony violent mum. It's so stressful.

Spidermama Sat 29-Dec-12 15:36:50

Gabyjane my DD also goes in my room (and everyone else's) and just helps herself to stuff. My hairbrush, phone and ipod chargers etc etc. She just takes them and doesn't return them. When I find them in her room and confront her, she's NEVER sorry. She seems to have no sense of guilt or contrition. She's always the victim.

Spidermama Sat 29-Dec-12 15:38:09

LadyKinbote thanks. It's good to hear from 'the other side'. I do try to remain calm but sometimes its so outrageous I just flip.

bigbuttons Sat 29-Dec-12 15:39:51

she'll use the computer for FB, no homework. she can use the family computer.

juneau Sat 29-Dec-12 15:44:26

I was HORRIBLE at the same age and looking back my own mother probably felt as powerless as you do, but if she'd been super-strict with me I think it might have difference. As it was, I ran rings around her and had no respect for her.

Have a think about the things she really DOES care about. If she doesn't care about her phone taking it away won't make a lot of difference, but if you remove the things she wants/needs/cares about she'll be forced to mend her ways to get them back or suffer without them. Take away her TV, her pocket money, don't buy her a computer and force her to write her homework in long-hand, or whatever harsh punishment you see fit - in short - if she's utterly vile you have to be just as vile back. Be strict and stick to your guns. She's only doing what she's doing because you have no effective weapons currently to force her to behave differently.

juneau Sat 29-Dec-12 15:46:24

Oh yes, and be deathly calm. My own mother ranted and raved like a lunatic and it just made me (in my warped teenage brain), think 'ha ha - I've really got to her'. Seriously, being deathly calm is very empowering - I do it with my DSs.

TheSecondComing Sat 29-Dec-12 15:46:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

insancerre Sat 29-Dec-12 15:49:17

grin at the daytrip for the broadband router
DH used to take it to bed with him

ivykaty44 Sat 29-Dec-12 15:52:34

Re PC in her bedroom - I could refuse to buy it. The only problem is that she really needs it for homework

No she doesn't need this - so don't get it and be so very flippant about it

Oh I couldn't be bothered - then watch her do the guilt trip on you, cos she will tell you she will fail without it and all her friends have one blar blar blar

Take everything out of her room and take to a friends house whilst she is out

when she starts - get your ds and go out - make sure you slam the front foor on your way out and go and have a nice time somewhere

there you go take all or just pick a couple you like the sound of - the last one always worked for me wink it meant me and dd2 had a nice time and left dd1 wondering where we where?

ivykaty44 Sat 29-Dec-12 15:54:33

Oh and if you feel that you want to flip

roll your eyes like a teen and mutter under your breath - here we go again....

Chottie Sat 29-Dec-12 15:55:50

Just to say hang on in there, you will get through this. Stick to your guns, you are the adult. <thumbs up emotive>

Chottie Sat 29-Dec-12 15:56:20

p.s. take the router with you when you go out grin

TheSecondComing Sat 29-Dec-12 15:56:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spidermama Sat 29-Dec-12 15:57:05

Juneau I would worry that being as vile to her as she is to me would just make things worse. She'd finally feel vindicated and would have all the proof that she's the big victim who's being treated badly in all of this.

I will do 'deathly calm'. I agree its way more effective than losing it. I don't often lose it but I did today, sobbing like a loon, my sons coming one by one to say, 'Aw mum do you want a cup of tea?' etc.

When I talk calmly to her about anything she deems controversial (most things) she sings over me or just says, 'Whatever' or 'Lol' over and over and over again. She literally won't listen.

BalloonSlayer Sat 29-Dec-12 15:59:15

Bloody hell, DON'T buy the computer. And get something that locks and at the first opportunity get her stuff back and make the confiscation WORK.

I don't want to kick you when you are down but you sound incredibly wet. I can't cut and paste on this PC but there is a lot of "I'd cancel her phone but it's on a contract." "I'd not get the computer but she needs it for homework" "I confiscate her stuff but she just takes it back."

Those "buts" are your problem. They are what is making her treat you with contempt. She knows that you are too soft to see anything through. You are behaving helplessly.

If you can't buy something that locks, take her stuff to one of your friend's house.

Spidermama Sat 29-Dec-12 15:59:57

Good advice TheSecondComing and Chottie - Thanks. smile

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