Sick to death of being guilt tripped

(39 Posts)
Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 21:03:17

Non uniform day tomorrow. Daughter 14 refuses to go as she has nothing to wear . Ffs she has hundreds of pounds worth of clothes in her room. I'm am sick to death of her making me feel guilty.

I know it may sound trivial but it's made me so upset .

flow4 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:20:24

I know you kind of hope they'll be frightened into behaving when you call the police (or is that just me?! hmm ) but actually, you're calling the police for you - because you feel unsafe and you need back up. sad

You can't control her behaviour and reactions, but you can control yours.

(I think I might get that printed on t-shirts! grin )

Doinmummy Fri 23-Nov-12 19:55:56

Thank you flow I have called the police before. They were great. She seems to have no fear though. I have spoken to the school but as she behaves at school they said there's not much they can do.

flow4 Fri 23-Nov-12 19:47:50

Oh Doin, you ignored her and she went to school - you didn't just do "quite well": you did great! grin WELL DONE !! grin grin

I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you are 'shutting down'. Six months ago, I couldn't imagine forgiving my DS or loving him - let alone liking him - ever again. I think what happens is that you have to distance yourself emotionally to survive all the stress; and when you detach from the bad stuff, unfortunately you inevitably detach from the good stuff too. sad

The good news is, that sense of being 'shut down' seems to be receding now: it has been over 2 months since he did anything truly awful, and as the memories of the anger and hurt and betrayal get more distant, there seems to be a bit more room for some positive feelings. smile

BTW, do not do anything that you think will result in your DD being violent towards you. Your safety is far more important than her phone. NO parent who has ever experienced violent aggression from their child will EVER advise you just 'take it'. And (as a few of us have said already) if she is violent, call 999. You have the right to be and feel safe.

But... I'm really chuffed for you about this morning! smile Onwards and upwards! grin

Mrsjay Fri 23-Nov-12 19:42:15

Have you spoken to the school for any advice why dont you fit the criteria for cahms ? I would google 'help with teens your area and see what there is out there' we have local things barnados runs a support service

must be so stressful

Doinmummy Fri 23-Nov-12 19:38:29

I do need help Mrsjay . Have tried CAHMS but we don't fit their criteria. I'm waiting for counselling for myself.

My fear is that one day I will lose it and end up hurting her.

strumpetpumpkin Fri 23-Nov-12 19:31:31

tell her that if she takes a day off for something as pathetic as that, and if she continues to throw ridiculous strops, then shes going to be very sorry on christmas morning. To sort herself out and that you wont be discussing it any further

Mrsjay Fri 23-Nov-12 19:26:38

her father was abusive to me and daughter has been too. She was 9 months old when he left so never witnessed the violence so I don't know if it runs in the genes. I am scared that she will kick off.

poor you has she always been like this do you have any other support you cant let her rule your life like this she is a child, look on parentline plus webside for some support go to school tell them what is happening, you are not doing you or her any favours walking around on eggshells like this, I am not sure of genetics but I do think you need help,

Doinmummy Fri 23-Nov-12 18:19:17

mrsjay her father was abusive to me and daughter has been too. She was 9 months old when he left so never witnessed the violence so I don't know if it runs in the genes. I am scared that she will kick off.

Post good advice re feeling guilty. I am trying to just switch off. I did quite well this morning. I just got up, got ready and left for work. I left daughter to her own devices and she did go to school.

The trouble is I can now hardly speak to her at all. I feel as if I am shutting down ( if that makes sense).

post Fri 23-Nov-12 10:47:21

Well, she can't actually MAKE you feel guilty. She can be unhappy, she can say it's your fault, but you feeling guilty is going to be about your own 'stuff'. Why do you feel guilty? That's what's going to be worth working on, I think.

Completely agree with the poster who said she does it because she can: she does it because it works at least some of the time, and every time you let it work you're training her to do it again. It doesn't mean you need to get angry with her, just don't play along, practice seeing her strop and feeling ok about it, maybe?

Mrsjay Fri 23-Nov-12 10:02:00

If I took her phone she would def go for me, so will not attempt that.

If you took her phone of her she would go for you, I think this is going deeper than just stropping you seem scared of her ? do you have any other support in the house or are you the only adult, I do think the way she is behaving because she knows she can, take her sim and take her wrath I understand it must be difficult but I do think you need some support and help with her she is ruling you, ignore the strops though just dont listen to them

Mrsjay Fri 23-Nov-12 09:59:23

I hate that she's like her father who used to manipulate me

she isnt like her dad that is unfair on her it isnt her fault saying that she does sound stroppy of course she has clothes to wear she is just being demanding dont give in send her to school with what she has why do you feel guilty when you know she has nice clothes, If you are having problems with her gettign to school contact the school and ask for help. stop feeling guilty you did nothing wrong and stop pandering to her strops

flow4 Thu 22-Nov-12 23:38:17

^^ What Maryz says!

Is she on contract or SIM? My DS had a contract (obviously in my name cos kids can;t have contracts) that meant that I could simply phone up Voda and say "Hi, can I have a temporary block on outgoing calls and texts, please?" and they would do it instantly! (That's particularly useful when they won't answer your calls: you can text and say "I have blocked your phone til you answer my calls" grin )

Maryz Thu 22-Nov-12 23:34:53

She's doing it because she can.

She knows she is upsetting you.

When I stopped reacting to ds he was very confused. It didn't make him behave, but it stopped him misbehaving purely to annoy me

I'll tell you a story. When I was about 18 I came home one night (a bitterly cold winter's night) to find my 16 year old brother sitting on the garden wall. I asked him what he was doing there, and he said "It's only a quarter past 12. They want me in by midnight, so there is no way I'm going in before 1. That'll teach them".

He was prepared to sit outside in the cold rather than obey a rule. He really thought that was winning.

Teenagers are experts at biting off their noses to spite their faces. You have to stop minding so much about things over which you have no control.

Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 23:29:11

Thank you flow. I wish I knew why she's doing this .
My only defence is to blank her but sometimes she gets so wound up by me ignoring her that she lashes out. If I took her phone she would def go for me, so will not attempt that.

flow4 Thu 22-Nov-12 23:24:48

Ooo I see things have moved on while I wrote that post!
Well done, that sounds like you are in control again smile
Seething inside is perfectly understandable... Just don't let her know!
Detach, like Maryz says.
Go and do something nice after work tomorrow to make you feel happier before you go home. grin

flow4 Thu 22-Nov-12 23:22:11

Oh Doin, it's exhausting, isn't it. My DS used to try this kind of blackmailing a lot.

She's playing games. Don't play with her! She'll be in trouble at school if she doesn't go, which she will know, and I don't think she'll want to miss a non-uniform day because they are generally popular and fun.

Don't rise to it. Say to her (as calmly as possible) "It's up to you. If you don't go, I'll 'phone school and tell them you're playing games, and you'll lose privileges at home. Night." And go to bed!

When you go to work tomorrow, if she doesn't go to school, then call them and tell them why she's not there. Take the router/laptop/whatever with you if you need to. But it might be easier to simply block internet access (if you're on BT broadband I can tell you exactly how!). Or if you are comfortable switching your power off at the mains (just flicking the big switch in the mains box) and you know she won't know what to do about that, that is far and away the easiest thing to do!

Don't even talk to her about it when you get home.

Leave her to sort out any trouble at school. She will at least get a detention. My DS's school used to put them in isolation for a day for truanting.

I have mixed feelings about 'making it miserable'. It depends on whether you can do this without engaging with her at all. You basically need to give her NO response to this kind of blackmailing - and I'm afraid that 'making it miserable' probably counts as a response. confused She wants your attention and your reaction, and if you get upset or cross, if you nag or shout or lecture, then she has got it, and she 'wins' at the game she is playing!

But you certainly need to make it very very boring! grin

Oh and don't worry about a day of school work. A day is only a day. And it's much less important than dealing with this situation effectively. smile

Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 23:09:22

She said to me " we'll you go to my room and see what I can wear then, you'll see I have nothing" to which I replied" no , I can't be bothered".

She kept saying she won't go to school and I said " we'll don't then".

You are right about detaching but inside I seethe. I have to go to work so don't know what she'll get up to when I'm not here. I will take her laptop with me and the tv cable.

Maryz Thu 22-Nov-12 22:56:33

This isn't about clothes, really, is it?

Are the lodgers out during the day? If they are do some spring cleaning. Loud hoovering, open windows, router (or even the electricity) mysteriously turned off. Make her strip her bed so she can't get into it.

I do the "your bed needs changing. Do you want to do it yourself? If you don't I will take your sheets in an hour. In an hour I charge in, strip the bed, shove it all in the washing machine.

And time is right. Don't let her upset you. Be detached and uncaring.

"That's ok, your choice, you will be in trouble for not doing your homework".

"I can't make you go in, I thought you would be more mature than this"

"Oh, dear, if you were at school you would be warm/fed/whatever"

I don't care, I'm in the middle of X, Y, Z.

Detach, detach, detach.

Don't care - or if you have to care don't let her see you care.

Oh, and take back the new clothes if she doesn't go to school.

Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 22:00:58

Thank you Time . I'll do my best to make it miserable for her .

timeforachangebaby Thu 22-Nov-12 21:54:13

Good luck whatever you end up doing, the most important thing I found is to make refusing to go to school, unpleasant and not like an extra day off.

Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 21:40:57

I can't take the router as I have lodgers who will need the Internet.

timeforachangebaby Thu 22-Nov-12 21:39:06

you dont need the laptop, you can take the router!

timeforachangebaby Thu 22-Nov-12 21:38:48

No dont take phone, dont even argue about it if she will fight you - tell her if she doesnt go to school you will report sim stolen, then actually do it, they will send you a new sim, but she will realise you mean business.

Can you get stuff into the car when she is in bed? That way there is no big fight in the morning, its a calm - "you can have it back when you go to school" repeated ad infinitim.

It drives them mad being without Internet/phone!

Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 21:36:41

I'll try though. I can def take her lap top

Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 21:36:05

Doubt I can get her phone off her as she sleeps with it under her pillow and she will fight me to stop me getting it.

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