Sick to death of being guilt tripped

(39 Posts)
Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 21:03:17

Non uniform day tomorrow. Daughter 14 refuses to go as she has nothing to wear . Ffs she has hundreds of pounds worth of clothes in her room. I'm am sick to death of her making me feel guilty.

I know it may sound trivial but it's made me so upset .

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Thu 22-Nov-12 21:06:17

Its a typical teenage rant, why are you even taking any notice?

Mine has a trainer obsession, I have no trainers, there are over 30 pairs in room!

Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 21:09:33

She missed two days of school a couple of weeks ago because she was in a strop. She needs to go but I bet she doesn't . Had parents evening tonight , it was ok but not as good as it should be. I hate that she's like her father who used to manipulate me .

TallulahTinsel Thu 22-Nov-12 21:09:51

<sighs>

I am apparently a terrible mum as I won't (can't afford) to spend £35 on a gig ticket for my 14yo next month. Despite fact he is already going to a gig then.

It does make e worry that I have raised him with too big a sense of entitlement but am sure it's typical teenage behaviour sad

Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 21:12:38

I truly dislike her . She knows exactly what she's doing to me. I have chucked a couple if things I've bought her for Xmas on her bed. I won't be buying anything else .

Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 21:14:19

It's the fact that she'll miss more lessons that I'm angry about.

How can she miss lessons if you throw her out the house in the morning?

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Thu 22-Nov-12 21:17:57

But Doin, cant you see by giving her her christmas presents she is winning?

Personally Id get her up at school time, remove the TV and phone cables, xbox, unplug route and cancel her sim card, yes she wont be in school - but she will have a dreadful day (and I have done all of the above at the same time).

It may cost you £5 to get a replacement sim, but then its a few days without her phone and internet, while it arrives.

I'd also fine her a weeks pocket money every time she misses a day of school for a trivial reason.

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Thu 22-Nov-12 21:18:23

*router

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Thu 22-Nov-12 21:18:55

what did you tell school about why she wasnt in?

Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 21:22:14

Easier said than done to physically throw her out of the house, she's bigger than me.

I told the school that she wasn't in because she'd thrown a strop.

timeforachangebaby Thu 22-Nov-12 21:25:13

Yes been there done that, thats why making being in the house unpleasant is a good idea - no TV, no internet, no mobile, no phone, no pocket money, not much fun then is it.

Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 21:27:46

I will remove her phone, laptop, tv cable etc and I might not come home after work. I am sick and tired if her I'm having a rubbish time at work and just don't feel strong enough to deal with her any more.

timeforachangebaby Thu 22-Nov-12 21:30:40

Doin, do it, you cant really change the way she behaves, all you can do is change how you react to it, I can remember a certain individual moaning when I got in and shouted at him because she "had had a lovely day" - she had just been suspended FFS, this is when I started the - ensuring a crap day was had routine.

Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 21:36:05

Doubt I can get her phone off her as she sleeps with it under her pillow and she will fight me to stop me getting it.

Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 21:36:41

I'll try though. I can def take her lap top

timeforachangebaby Thu 22-Nov-12 21:38:48

No dont take phone, dont even argue about it if she will fight you - tell her if she doesnt go to school you will report sim stolen, then actually do it, they will send you a new sim, but she will realise you mean business.

Can you get stuff into the car when she is in bed? That way there is no big fight in the morning, its a calm - "you can have it back when you go to school" repeated ad infinitim.

It drives them mad being without Internet/phone!

timeforachangebaby Thu 22-Nov-12 21:39:06

you dont need the laptop, you can take the router!

Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 21:40:57

I can't take the router as I have lodgers who will need the Internet.

timeforachangebaby Thu 22-Nov-12 21:54:13

Good luck whatever you end up doing, the most important thing I found is to make refusing to go to school, unpleasant and not like an extra day off.

Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 22:00:58

Thank you Time . I'll do my best to make it miserable for her .

Maryz Thu 22-Nov-12 22:56:33

This isn't about clothes, really, is it?

Are the lodgers out during the day? If they are do some spring cleaning. Loud hoovering, open windows, router (or even the electricity) mysteriously turned off. Make her strip her bed so she can't get into it.

I do the "your bed needs changing. Do you want to do it yourself? If you don't I will take your sheets in an hour. In an hour I charge in, strip the bed, shove it all in the washing machine.

And time is right. Don't let her upset you. Be detached and uncaring.

"That's ok, your choice, you will be in trouble for not doing your homework".

"I can't make you go in, I thought you would be more mature than this"

"Oh, dear, if you were at school you would be warm/fed/whatever"

I don't care, I'm in the middle of X, Y, Z.

Detach, detach, detach.

Don't care - or if you have to care don't let her see you care.

Oh, and take back the new clothes if she doesn't go to school.

Doinmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 23:09:22

She said to me " we'll you go to my room and see what I can wear then, you'll see I have nothing" to which I replied" no , I can't be bothered".

She kept saying she won't go to school and I said " we'll don't then".

You are right about detaching but inside I seethe. I have to go to work so don't know what she'll get up to when I'm not here. I will take her laptop with me and the tv cable.

flow4 Thu 22-Nov-12 23:22:11

Oh Doin, it's exhausting, isn't it. My DS used to try this kind of blackmailing a lot.

She's playing games. Don't play with her! She'll be in trouble at school if she doesn't go, which she will know, and I don't think she'll want to miss a non-uniform day because they are generally popular and fun.

Don't rise to it. Say to her (as calmly as possible) "It's up to you. If you don't go, I'll 'phone school and tell them you're playing games, and you'll lose privileges at home. Night." And go to bed!

When you go to work tomorrow, if she doesn't go to school, then call them and tell them why she's not there. Take the router/laptop/whatever with you if you need to. But it might be easier to simply block internet access (if you're on BT broadband I can tell you exactly how!). Or if you are comfortable switching your power off at the mains (just flicking the big switch in the mains box) and you know she won't know what to do about that, that is far and away the easiest thing to do!

Don't even talk to her about it when you get home.

Leave her to sort out any trouble at school. She will at least get a detention. My DS's school used to put them in isolation for a day for truanting.

I have mixed feelings about 'making it miserable'. It depends on whether you can do this without engaging with her at all. You basically need to give her NO response to this kind of blackmailing - and I'm afraid that 'making it miserable' probably counts as a response. confused She wants your attention and your reaction, and if you get upset or cross, if you nag or shout or lecture, then she has got it, and she 'wins' at the game she is playing!

But you certainly need to make it very very boring! grin

Oh and don't worry about a day of school work. A day is only a day. And it's much less important than dealing with this situation effectively. smile

flow4 Thu 22-Nov-12 23:24:48

Ooo I see things have moved on while I wrote that post!
Well done, that sounds like you are in control again smile
Seething inside is perfectly understandable... Just don't let her know!
Detach, like Maryz says.
Go and do something nice after work tomorrow to make you feel happier before you go home. grin

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