Ds totally lost the plot because I stopped him taking a bong to school !!!

(87 Posts)
justbreathe Mon 01-Oct-12 20:12:00

My Ds 16 has completely lost it.

I took him out of school for an appointment today , he went off into a shop to get something and left his bag in the car. He had been being really suspicious with his bag so I had a look inside and found a large bong. I asked what the hell he was doing taking a bong to school... I know a lot of kids at his school smoke dope and he knows I dissaprove.
He went completely crazy at me invading his privacy and looking in his bag, and that if he wanted to take it to school he would and it was none of my f**ing business.
He refused to give it to me and ran off and either stashed it or gave it to a friend. I went after him and threatened to go into the school and tell the head. We talked or rather he shouted his head off, dented the car and spat ... He totally .lost the plot and went quite insane for a bit.
As he was in no state to go back into class and I wasn't sure if I wanted to involve the school I decided to take him home.
He is still really outraged that I went prying into his stuff and adamant that he will take his bong to school and smoke dope there if he wants......
I am completely flumoxed at his violent outburst/stupidity/ total lack of respect for any rules. should I tell the school ? I haven't found them very supportive in the past and they already know he's a smoker.
I am furious and want to punish him but also fear he is on the edge and If I go in too hard he will leave home and move in with his dodgy friend and his drug addict mum.
He really is convinced that its ME who has the problem and the fact that he is bothering to go to school and turning up for class means that he should be able to get stoned in his free periods !!!

Chubfuddler Mon 01-Oct-12 20:14:36

Bloody hell. Obviously you're not in the wrong. You need to speak to the school, and provably your GP too. And tbh if it was my child, whilst he was at school I'd take his room apart looking for drugs paraphernalia and burn the lot.

Blu Mon 01-Oct-12 20:23:07

Blimey.

Poor you.

I have no experience of this at all, no teen yet.

2 issues, really, one the drug taking per se and two, him going off on one like that and denting the car.

I wonder whether it would be worth caling one of the drug advisory lines if there is one for parents coping with a drug using teen. I'm not saying that a bit of dope smoking by a 16 yo is necesssarily a huge problem by itself, I would be hypocritical to say that. But how to talk to him about his behaviour around it and get him to understand the risks and boundaries, also your parental responsibilities.... it's a teen Taming excercise, or 'how to talk to your toddler so that they will listen' type ting.

Sympathies, though, it sounds very upsetting and worrying.

His reaction implies this may be more than a bit of harmless experimentation.

I have no experience of parenting teenagers, but I have been with a drug addict. Dope was the last thing to go when he got clean.

If I was in your shoes I would definately involve the school. What are they doing to tackle the problem?

Get advice from a drug advisory service. We have FASA here in Northern Ireland. Im not sure whats available near you.

Might be harsh with this one, but I would also contact my local community police officer for advice. They are unlikely to charge him with anything for a first offence and if hes not dealing, but maybe they could talk some sense into him.

You say he has a friend who you think is also doing this...thats a tough one. You cannot push too hard or he will just leave as you say, but links with this friend do need to be broken. Aswell as links with anyone else who could be dealing.

Im sorry you are in this situation. Please dont pander to his whim for fear of driving him away. Theres a balance to be struck, but you do need to deal with this fully.

Maryz Mon 01-Oct-12 20:40:12

I agree with wannabe sad.

But, be careful of involving the school. We told the school that ds was involved in dope and he ended up being expelled whereas the suppliers and the guys he smoked with just denied it and stayed angry. So you need to think this through.

It does sound as though he is smoking more than the odd joint - going apeshit was always a sign that ds was using heavily.

What is the school's punishment for taking cannabis into school?

justbreathe Mon 01-Oct-12 20:58:02

I think Ds has become a habitual smoker but is totally in denial about any negative effects. He is prone to violent angry outbursts, they have been going on for the last 3 years.... I think he's been smoking dope for the last 2.
He has just gone back to the school having spent the last year at another school retaking the year he failed. He seems to be happy there and has lots of friends though never seems to do any work....
I have tried taking him to see a therapist about his anger issues ; that was last weeks drama......they basically told him he could go and talk to them whenever he wanted but that as he was 16 it had to come from him.. ..DS has no interest in talking to anyone.....
I really want him to stay at school as If he leaves he will just hang around with his dodgy friends who don't go to school. I don't want school to label him as a druggy loser.

When drugs are concerned the main priority is getting drug free IMO. Everything else can be sorted after.

He isnt just going to stop one day. If you dont want to tell the school then dont. But please get advice from professionals and see it through.

Dope can be a slippery slope.

Maryz Mon 01-Oct-12 21:21:16

Unfortunately (and I have lived through this), you can't stop him.

You can scream and roar and test him and stop his money and search his bags and report to the school/police or not, but imo you can't stop him.

The difficulty is that you want him to stop, you want him to stay at school, you want him to get help, to talk to someone. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound as though he wants any of it sad.

So I can only offer you lots of sympathy and tell you to look after yourself while you wait it out.

If it is any consolation at all, ds1 (now 18) appears to be finally sorting himself out a bit, which I thought would never happen.

justbreathe Mon 01-Oct-12 21:58:09

Thanks for all the advice everyone.
Unfortunately I think you are right Maryz...I am glad your ds1 is sorting himself out.
I have to try to keep that vision of the lovely man I know my Ds could become. If he was my partner and not my son I would have walked years ago ... AS mothers we don't have that option. I love him whilst I hate his actions. I want to kick him out of my life and be rid of the stress of him whilst I want to nurture and protect him. Above all I want him to care about himself , he clearly doesn't

Maryz Mon 01-Oct-12 22:33:56

I grieved for years for the son I lost sad, the person he might have been.

It nearly killed me, but I have had to learn another way of life, and learn to live with the cards I have been dealt.

I still love him, I still worry myself sick about him, but I have stopped trying to stop him destroying himself. As a result we are (bizarrely) getting on a lot better now - possibly helped by the fact that he is (very slowly) maturing.

Cannabis destroys so many lives, it is very sad.

Be nice to yourself. When he pulls through this (as most of them eventually do, believe it or not), you need to have survived without losing yourself, if that makes any sense. I found counselling for me really helped.

Sorry, I probably sound very negative. I hope someone comes along with some practical solutions for you smile

Witco Mon 01-Oct-12 22:50:44

Listen to MaryZ, she speaks for a lot of us on here!

flow4 Mon 01-Oct-12 23:15:33

I've had similar experiences with my DS too, justbreathe. I very definitely agree with Maryz: don't involve the school unless you are certain they do not have a 'zero tolerance' policy : bringing a bong into school (and getting caught) would lead to immediate permanent exclusion at my DSes' school. And being kicked out of school will not help at all.

IME, the irrational loss of temper is either a skunk come-down (after 24-36hrs - and it's Monday, so the timing is right for that) or it's M-CAT. The latter is really nasty, and I had a truly dreadful 6 months when my DS was doing a lot of it. There's not a lot of info around about it - last time I looked, it wasn't even on Frank. The 'tell-tale sign' I finally pinned down was that he smelled like a cross between oranges and toilet cleaner, and he got a pink rash on his cheeks after he'd taken it. It lead to a lot of stealing, as well as violent outbreaks.

Like Maryz I'd recommend counselling and looking after yourself. In the end, I realised that's not a luxury - it's a survival essential.

Like Maryz's son, mine seems to be coming out of it a bit. I'm not counting my chickens, but he's back in college full-time, and studying, and getting up in the mornings. I had no real hope of this, even as recently as a month ago. For us, the turning point seemed to be getting him away from our area (just for a fortnight) and going to stay with old friends of mine who have teenage daughters: he was away from drugs and 'bad influences', was on fine form because he wanted them to like him, and 'remembered' what it felt like to be a well-adjusted, engaged, pleasant young man... He seemed to be reminded of what it felt like to be a 'normal' teen rather than a dysfunctional one, and he liked the feeling. He started believing that maybe he could have aspirations and do things successfully - which he hasn't believed for two years or more. It was just long enough, and at the right time, to give him courage to go back to college... He's grown about 4 inches since he got there smile And I'm keeping my fingers very tightly crossed...

ShirtRipper Mon 01-Oct-12 23:36:18

I'm shocked that your 16 yo would take a bong into school, I agree with searching his room and confiscating anything illicit.

Cannabis isn't harmful, and it doesn't ruin peoples lives at all. Teenagers will experiment and I think even though it's of little consolation to you op, there are much worse and more dangerous, harmful and damaging things he could be engaging in. For example pornography, legal highs, alcohol ect.

At least he does smoke pure too, The most dangerous thing about consuming cannabis is consuming with tobacco and studies do show that smoking cannabis pure poses no risk to lung health.

"Cannabis isn't harmful, and it doesnt ruin peoples lives at all."

You can have my very first biscuit for that little pearl of utter tripe.

Meglet Mon 01-Oct-12 23:49:51

What wannabee said. I know a few people who screwed their lives and health up by skinning up for breakfast, dinner and tea.

flow4 Mon 01-Oct-12 23:58:02

shirt, don't even go there. Here, you are surrounded by parents whose kids have gone very seriously off the rails because of skunk. Personally, I make a clear distinction between that and other forms of cannabis, but there is absolutely no doubt in my mind, from direct experience and what I've heard, that skunk is messing with some kids' heads and causing serious problems. To say it "isn't harmful" is ignorant and just plain wrong.

ShirtRipper Tue 02-Oct-12 01:29:16

Skunk and other forms of cannabis? Care to elaborate please?
And also" From direct experience and what you have heard"... right.

justbreathe Tue 02-Oct-12 06:14:22

There's a difference Wannabe between a spliff of an evening and a bong for breakfast !

I'm seeing a whole generation of Dc who are constantly stoned , it makes them apathetic, disorganised, chaotic, paranoid, agressive, violent, hopeless , bored and boring. Dope keeps you stuck , its a way of pushing life away. Its robs all the young vitality out of them and makes them feel hopeless so they just smoke more.

Flow4 ... I hadn't even considered M-Cat. He told me on Sat night at a friends he had drunk too much and was violently sick but couldn't remember anything. He'd stayed the night at his mates and had all his friends clothes on. He told me he couldn't remember or find his own clothes when he'd woken up in the morning! He's never been a drinker and he didn't seem hung over at all. He could well be trying other stuff sad

Not sure there is a difference tbh. It ruins peoples lives. Period.

Maryz Tue 02-Oct-12 08:37:12

I have also seen many, many kids whose lives have been ruined by being constantly stoned.

They seem to sort of stop their development at the age they start. For ds1, he and his friends started at 12/13, and so have wasted six years of their lives.

Only one out of their group stopped and did well. The other nine are in various states of disorganisation, addiction, homelessness, a couple are complete drop-out, a few have mh issues and two are dead sad.

All threads on cannabis are invaded by fuckwits. I have asked mnhq before for a safe place to talk about this; I will ask again for some sort of support thread, free from the "cannabis never did me any harm, I'm a happy stoner idiots".

Could you have been directing that first bit at someone else justbreathe?

I think my stance on drugs is quite clear here and your words to me make no sense.

CouthyMowWearingOrange Tue 02-Oct-12 09:01:25

Here's a view from the other side. I was that aggressive, smoking dope in school time teen.

I had a lot of issues with bullying, smoking dope stopped all that. I didn't want to stop because it would have dropped me out if the 'in' crowd, which would have meant getting bullied again.

Peer pressure in a school with a lax regime against drug taking is IMMENSE. More so in schools with a zero tolerance policy.

I once found it hilarious to take a pot plant (LITERALLY a POT plant) into school and sit it on my desk and fall about in hysterics when my sweet, innocent, God fearing Geography teacher would compliment me on my lovely pot plant...

I only sorted myself out and stopped being such a knob when I fell pregnant with my DD just before I turned 16. I stopped smoking dope whilst pregnant and breast feeding (mostly because I stopped smoking full stop while pg).

But I took up smoking dope again by the time she was 7mo. (I stopped bf at 6mo).

It wasn't until I was 21, and had 3 DC's, that I stopped smoking dope totally, and grew the hell up.

(Note, I only smoked it when my DC's were in bed, outside, not around them, not a complete twat).

I haven't had any weed for <<Counts>> 10 years now, and I'm 31. But I had to want to stop.

People DO come out the other side in the end, most of the time. All the dope fiends I hung around with are now married with multiple DC's, very respectable, some on PTA's etc.

I would 1) Do regular room searches, and bin any drug paraphernalia. 2) Have a talk with him about his future. 3) Go for tough love and explain that he can only live with you if he is either in education of some sort, or work.

Good luck.

CouthyMowWearingOrange Tue 02-Oct-12 09:02:06

That should read "more so THAN in schools with a zero tolerance policy."

flow4 Tue 02-Oct-12 09:45:12

wannabe, I think justbreathe was talking to shirt... It gets confusing round here when it's busy and we can barely see for the smoke! wink

justbreathe, I can tell you more about what I've found out about M-CAT if you like...? But only if it seems relevant smile

shirt, skunk is artificially modified to increase the amount of THC. They do this by removing (all or some of) the cannabidiol (CBD) to make 'space' for more THC. There's good and growing evidence that CBD is the 'positive' bit of cannabis and THC by itself is not so good: it seems that it's the CBD that has the therapeutic uses, including as an anticonvulsive, sedative, anti-inflammatory and neuroprotector, and also that it reduces or controls the psychotic effects of THC.

The clearest overview of differences between Skunk and 'natural' herbal cannabis that I've found is here.

The most accessible/impressive bit of media I've found is this video , which I think is really interesting.

If you want more info, there's plenty out there. If you Google 'cannabidiol' you will find countless medical studies suggesting it's useful stuff. If you Google 'THC' you'll find a confusing mishmash of opinions. Many people writing about 'cannabis' don't understand its pharmacology, and aren't aware of how different skunk is.

IME, the people who come on here and say "I smoked cannabis and it never did me any harm" are generally talking about their own weed-smoking youth - and they were not smoking skunk. Most people here are not distinguishing between skunk and other forms of cannabis; but the adults I know who smoke both all agree they have different effects, and many have stopped smoking skunk because they do not like what it does to them.

As skunk becomes - increasingly - the easiest form of cannabis to get hold of - and in many areas, the only form available - I predict we're going to see more and more problems. SKUNK IS HARMFUL in many many cases.

CouthyMowWearingOrange Tue 02-Oct-12 09:48:42

As a former skunk smoker, I agree that it is harmful, and leaves you with problems for a few years AFTER you stop smoking it. I found pot harder to kick than the speed I was also addicted to.

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